The Ugly Duckling (PUBLISHED UNDER PSICOM)

Ugly #44

I didn't believe in love. I find love absurd. I don't believe in forever and I think being in love was pathetic. What a load of bullsh it.

I'm not going to lie to myself anymore. It was useless anyway. Luke Dashiel was right when he accused me of being scared. I was. I still am.

I am scared of my own feelings. I am scared to feel anything because I know the end game. I know that feeling means getting hurt. And that's what I'm shitlessly scared about.

All my life, I've used the card that I don't believe in love to protect myself. I've told everyone and made myself believe that I found love absurd because I was scared that if I let myself believe that it wasn't-that if I allowed myself to feel it, I'd end up nothing but a wreck. A hollow shell of a broken heart's aftermath.

I was terrified that love would consume me the way it consumed my parents. I know my parents were happily in love with each other, but I've also seen them fight. I've seen them get hurt. I've seen them cry in pain. What I failed to see was how that same love cure them. I allowed myself to be blinded by my own fear.

I was an idiot. Pushing Sage away was stupid. Believing that what I did would make everything easier was stupid. There was never an easy way when it comes to love. Love has only one path and it's always going to be hard.

I knew pushing him away from me would hurt him. A part of me knew that it would hurt me too but I still did it, thinking that preventing everything from happening would make it hurt less.

Sa sobrang pag-iwas ko na masaktan ay mas lalo lang akong nasaktan sa ginawa ko. Hindi lang ako, pati si Sage ay nasaktan ko din dahil sa sarili kong katangahan. I should have known better. Stupid, Les. So damn stupid.

"You're in love with him?" rinig na rinig ang pagkabigla sa boses ni Dee. Maging sa mukha niya ay bakas iyon. Bahagyang nanlalaki ang mga mata niya at walang ibang emosyon sa mukha niya kundi ang pagkagulat.

I tightly closed my eyes, nodding at her with slight difficulty. It was what pushed me more to do what I did. I didn't want to hurt Dee. "My love for him is colossal, Dee. I-I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to fall. I didn't meant to feel this way for him. I love you like a sister and I don't want to hurt you but Dee, I'm extremely, fiercely and madly in love with-"

She didn't give me a chance to finish what my speech. Dee threw her arms in the air and wrapped it around my body to give me an enthused and tight hug.

"I'm so happy for you, Les! You've finally admitted it! I'm so, so glad!" wala sa ugali ni Dee ang magsinungaling. Hindi niya ako katulad na sanay umarte at magpanggap. Dee was transparent so I know she wasn't lying.

My eyes were wide in shock and complete disbelief. Hindi ako sigurado kung tama ang narinig ko. Masaya siya para sa akin? Sa lahat ng pwedeng sabihin ay iyon ang hinding-hindi ko inaasahan mula sa kanya. Sa gulat ko ay huminto na ang pagtulo ng luha ko. Nangibabaw ang pagkagulo sa sakit na hanggang ngayon ay nasa dibdib ko pa rin at hindi mawala-wala.

"Hindi ka... Hindi ka galit?" humiwalay si Dee sa pagkakayakap nang dahil sa tanong ko. Nakita ko ang isang totoong ngiti sa mukha niya habang tinitingnan niya ako sa mga mata.

Umiling-iling si Dee. "I'm not mad."

I was left dumbfounded by her answer. I stared at Dee, perplexed and completely lost for words. Dee's smile dropped as she stared at me with guilt taking over her face. "I know I reacted badly before and you don't know how sorry I am for that. Huli na nang ma-realize ko na mali ako. Sage did hurt me but I can't hold him answerable for that. Hindi niya ako pinilit na magkagusto sa kanya. Hindi niya ako pinilit na magtapat. Mali na sisihin ko siya dahil lang sa hindi niya ako gusto."