Serendipity//Billie Eilish

0.12

 Yohan cried the entire night. She couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Xam had found her in hysterics at some point in the middle of the night as she walked in to do her rounds and rushed over to Yohan, worry on her face.

"Yohan, what's wrong? Are you hurting anywhere." Her trained eyes inspected Yohan, glancing at the machine that monitored Yohan's vitals. Trained hands checked Yohan's body and the I.V.

Yohan shook her head and sobbed some more, not wanting to worry her nurse more than she already was so Yohan managed to choke out "B-b-billi -e."

She started gasping for breath as she said her name, still uncontrollably crying. Xam finally understood that Yohan wasn't physically hurt and pulled Yohan into her arms and rocked her, trying to calm her down.

Eventually, after hours and hours of crying, Yohan found restless sleep.

———————

She woke up the next morning with her heart in her throat. She had hardly slept and though she was exhausted she couldn't go back to sleep anymore, there were just too many feelings for her to deal with.

She was heartbroken. Hearing Billie's voicemails, begging her to come home, to wake up. Hearing how Billie found solace in calling Yohan, who would never be able to answer, just to tell her about how Ella was growing up. Hearing how upset and lonely Billie was but still managed to raise a beautiful daughter. Hearing Billie take out her anger at the world for being so cruel to them on Yohan. Hearing the desperation in her voice when the doctors tried to rip her hope away that Yohan would ever wake up but daring to hope anyway. Every time she heard those things her heart had broken so much Yohan wasn't sure how she had any heart left.

Yohan's heart had completely given out, completely shattered the worst the moment she heard Billie confess she still loved her, that she had gotten married to someone else in a moment of weakness. Yohan knew that had been the moment Billie had given up hope that Yohan would ever come back. She could hear the sincerity in Billie's voice when she had said that she would always love Yohan the most. She could hear the guilt Billie felt. She could hear how Billie hated herself.

Yohan had thought Billie had moved on. She thought Billie had fallen in love with someone else after all that time and decided to marry him. It almost felt worse knowing Billie married him even though she was still in love with Yohan. The thought that she could have still had Billie if she had just woken up a little earlier tortured her.

She wondered if what Billie had said was still true. She wondered if Billie had grown to love her husband more than Yohan. She forced herself to stop that train of thought, Billie still belonged to someone else.

Yohan felt guilty for assuming Billie had moved on so quickly. She didn't realize that Billie hadn't been married for even a year. She felt anger and betrayal but it stung a lot less, knowing how much Billie had suffered, knowing Billie never stopped loving her even when she was making her vows. She felt longing for Billie the most, and the feeling was suffocating her.

The voicemails had jarred her out of her currently reality, the one where Billie wasn't hers anymore. The Billie in those voicemails was Yohan's Billie, the one she had spent her entire life pining over and getting to know and finally winning her heart.

————

Yohan remembered when she had finally gathered the courage to confess her feelings to Billie for the first time.

Billie was about to graduate and go to college. Since Yohan was a year younger, she was leaving Yohan behind. Billie kept promising Yohan that that would never happen anytime somebody at school joked about it. Everyone knew Billie and Yohan were pretty much inseparable and they liked to joke around that Billie was going to find herself a new best friend once she went to college.