He makes my heart flutter!💓

2

Renukha...🍀

Monday, 6. 30 pm.

The twelfth standard was hectic. Today we had a model exam in mathematics in the morning and at afternoon, we had a revision of physics.

Afterward, during the extra class till 5.30 pm, we had to write another exam conducted by the physics mam.
If that was not enough, she has further given us a bunch of portions to prepare for the next day as well.

Moaning in frustration, I dipped my head into the open page of my rough book. The only relief I could expect during these time is Kannagi sister's engagement.

Within two days, I will be going there even though her engagement was three days later.

A bizarre feeling arose in my stomach at the thought of staying in the same house as Karthik. Once he had gone to college, we spoke less and our interaction reduced so much.

He changed as well.

He became too carefree. And extremely attractive, to the level where my eyes can't stare at him for more than a limited time. Again, I'm not overemphasizing. I can't really hold eye contact with him.

Now at his twenty-three, I have no idea how much he has further altered, because for the last one year, I hadn't seen him. He was barely in his home whenever I visit there.

Would he look more mature now?

But another important question, would he treat me the same way that he did a couple of years ago? It's nearly been five years since we had an open and hearty conversation. I would sometimes go to his dwelling and most of the time, he would be out with his friends. Even If he was at the home, he wouldn't give much attention to me. He just smiles at me, inquires about my school and studies and then he goes on about with his activities.

Sometimes, it really hurts me to imagine the modifications in him. He used to talk a lot to me in school days but now, the exact opposite was happening.

I initially thought that it was because he has grown up and has many other things to look after, but recently I feel so insecure. Maybe he finds me too unattractive that he couldn't care less about speaking to me.

I weigh 56, I am short and have a wider hip, busty breasts, quite a plumb thighs, and butt which propels me to look chubby.

Until 10th standard, I did not feel a bit weird about my body but one day, during the selection of dancers for the annual day, a mam purposely rejected me and the girls those are plus size and picked up only the medium-sized girls for the dance.

Though she hadn't expressly said to us the reason why we weren't chosen, I understood it as soon as I looked over the class and found only chubby students being left out.

That incident still pains my heart.

For a few days, I was depressed.

Then I started gathering myself and did work out to reduce my weight. One thing I learned then was, hard work pays off, definitely!

I decayed 5kgs and I felt great whenever I saw myself in the mirror. It wasn't like I achieved the standard beauty of our society, but the one which I felt comfortable and happy with.

But then again, during one of our choir performances, I (I don't sing well) and other students who sing exceptionally good are made to stand at the sides instead of the center.

I did not understand the reason why that shuffling occurred until I saw a fair, chubby, similar to my size, and a very beautiful girl subsisting in the center. I swear, she doesn't sing at all. But for the sake of attraction purpose, she was there. I don't blame the girl but the adults who were responsible for this discrimination.

That was when I lost the motivation to continue my exercise. If I keep my body fit or not, I'm unattractive, whatsoever.

My skin color is brown and I do not qualify in the dusky beauty category too. Because nowadays, every color does have certain particular features to be considered alluring.

Thus, as the realization of the reality dawned upon me, rather than crying or being depressed, I focused on my studies (I'm an average student by the way.) and proceeded to go with the flow of life, while adding flavor to it with my knowledge in studying.

Still, I wished I could have been equipped with any peculiar talents. Like dancing, singing, painting, etc...
I went to a singing class for six months and guess what? I still sound worse.

And I see people who don't even attend singing classes acing the songs with their sweet as well as mesmerizing voice. What to say?
They are just blessed with it. I might have some hidden talents too...right?

I am not sure but up until now, I haven't discovered any.

Anyways!

I'm living my life peacefully though. Attractive or unattractive, it doesn't matter, really. At the end of the day, all that truly matters is how I perceive myself and how much care and love I apply to myself.

Now at seventeen, I'm still chubby but due to the stress of school, I hadn't put on extra weight. Even so, I should start working out again, this time, for myself, not for others and definitely not to fit the delusional beauty standards.

Back to the present, I sat upright on my chair and began messing with those physics problems.

I love my life this way though.

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