Destiny~

Denial

I couldn't sleep. Hours passed since what happened, yet my mind still races. Whenever I walked, my head was incredibly dizzy from my swirling thoughts, that I stumbled instead of walked. When I traveled to the balcony, I would've fallen off if I didn't catch myself in time. I can't even escape when trying to get some fresh air. All of this, it's more like fresh hell.

My mind will never clear. My heart will always fight with my brain to lead. My body just feels like a puppet on strings, getting pulled in every single direction at the same time. I no longer have control over the one thing I can control. I sit up and put my face in my hand. I look up to see it being pitch black. I check the clock on my nightstand. 4 AM. With a heavy sigh, I get up and move towards the balcony. While moving, my body is no longer stumbling, my head is no longer dizzy. I'm surprised at how I moved with such ease.

I leaned on the railing that separates me from plunging to an inevitable death. I took a deep breath, enjoying the early morning air's scent and taste. Being out here finally calms me down enough to assess all the information I was punched with. Starting with the obvious, Kacchan likes me, but is too scared to say it to my face, so he expresses his feelings by taking pictures of me and circling my face in a heart. Now, the not so obvious. For some reason, seeing those pictures gave me a warm feeling inside. For some reason, I thought it was cute. For some reason, I liked the show of affection. For some reason, I was insanely happy when said he liked me.

I know what I'm feeling. After all, people talk about it all the time, especially at my age. It's love. But, I can't love Kacchan. I know he likes me, but I know for a fact that I only see him as a friend. I guess I just felt like that cause I've known him for so long, and it's adorable to see him do something he'd rather die than do. Either way, I don't like him like that.

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I fiddle with my pen, bored and waiting for class to start. I fiddled and fiddled until spiky, blonde hair walked into the classroom. I took my chin out of my hand and looked at Kacchan with a gleam in my eyes. I knew they were sparkling. I knew they were shining with light. And because I knew, I couldn't stop. My heart had completely taken over control.

It was only when the boy started to walk closer to me that I was able to break free. I put my chin back in my hand and began fiddling again. The blonde took his seat in front of me and I looked up. I looked up for what was supposed to be a brief second. A brief second turned into a minute. I broke free from my trance again. I decided to completely avoid looking at Kacchan for a while, or I might never be able to break free from my trance eventually.

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Ray's been trying to contact me. I know. I went up to our roof once to see if I could find more clear answers there. While searching, Ray came. He ran up to me and started asking me a dozen questions. I shoved past him and left. I didn't find anything up there.

Kacchan's been trying to get my attention. I know. During training, he always makes a scene in hopes to get my attention. Every scene he makes is always because of something I do. I'm done.

I'm laying on my floor, desperately trying to connect the dots. Kacchan likes me, obviously. Ray knows, obviously. And then there's me. I can't figure out my status in this situation. And I'm the one who knows myself better than anyone! God, why does this have to be so hard.

All of this gives me a headache, and the one person who can relieve that headache is my enemy, as of now. Sometimes I wonder if the entire world is against me and just wants to see me suffer. It likes to watch me squirm as I'm never able to wrap my head around a situation like this. It's teasing me. Dangling what I want most in front of my face, but always takes it back when I get too close. It's a fucking game.

I sit up and rub my face. My hand covers everything that's below my eyes, while my eyes glare at the nothingness in front of me. Without getting up, I reach for the painkillers and water on my desk. I popped the pills in my mouth and washed it down with water. I'm on the verge of giving up.

I might know why, but I don't like the answer. I don't know why I'm too scared to admit it. He said he likes me, all I heard was sincerity, voice very genuine. So why won't I admit it? Am I afraid he was lying. Maybe. Am I afraid he'll play with me, throw me away once he's had his fun? Maybe. Am I afraid he'll hurt me again? ...Yes.

I'm afraid history will repeat itself. I'm afraid I'll be hurt badly again. Left broken in a million pieces. That's why I'm denying it all. Denying that I actually love Kacchan with my whole heart.