2: In Your Shadow - Evan Peters

Must Be Stress

It had been 2 weeks since I left Evan in LA.

I spent the first week away with Lucas and Amaya, enjoying the start of the Missouri Fall, and smoking a lot of pot. Evan hadn't even crossed my mind that much because I was happy basking in the company of my, really only, two friends. Until of course, we'd all spoke about what happened between Evan and I and they both just gave me blank stares and told me what I needed to do was obvious. I just nodded and changed the subject.

Now I was with my parents in Malden, and I wasn't going to mention Evan's abusive rampage even though they did ask why I didn't bring him. It was nice on the farm, the nights were cooler, but the days were perfect. I spent a lot of time sitting on the back porch reading, and trying to do uni work. It felt like I was in high school again, when times were simpler.

Just like any other day I sat on the swing chair, my legs crossed beneath me, my laptop perched in my lap. I was in the midst of finishing a uni paper, and I felt like I'd never been more productive. My phone started to vibrate beside me, and picking it up, I saw a call from Lucas. Answering with a smile on my face, it soon subsided when I heard his worried fast paced rambling down the line.

"Lucas- slow down- what?" I set my laptop down.

"Have you seen your socials today?"

I put him on speaker and opened my twitter, only to see my feed filled with tweets with Evan's name. I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying, "drugs" "break up" "cheating" "arrest" "fist fight" all my brain would register.

"Everyone's saying Evan needs to go into rehab, he's been on a fucking bender, snorting coke off strippers and getting into fights- he was arrested last night,"

One of my hands flew up to cover my mouth, as tears pricked my eyes at the distressing news.

"Wait what? Oh my god," my heart beat loudly in my ears as I tried to keep from panicking, clicking on an article only to be faced with a TMZ video of Evan in a fist fight outside a popular LA nightclub.

"This is bat shit Alex, he's completely off the rails. If you weren't gonna leave him before, you definitely should now,"

I couldn't even find the strength to respond, as tears fell from my eyes in hot, salty streams.

"Lucas- what do I do?" Of course I still loved and cared about Evan, and this was extremely upsetting news. A million and one thoughts whirled in my mind as Lucas continued to console me over the line.

"He'll be okay Lex, i dont know what's gotten into him but, getting arrested will probably be a rude awakening to him- he needs to do better, some people are saying he's had a coke addiction for months. Did you notice anything?"

I tried to think back to my last few months with Evan in the apartment, and nothing stuck out to me, apart from his late nights at work, and his tiredness. He was mostly okay, until after the awards ceremony.

"Nothing rings a bell Lucas, look I'm gonna go, I might try and call him," I suggest, now biting on the skin around my thumb nail to try and ease some of my anxiety.

"I dont know if that's a good idea Alex, just- you need to do what you've been doing you can't- you can't contact him," he advises me, and I nod my head to agree, even though he couldn't see me. Evan hadn't really tried to contact me either, I think he respected that I wanted space. Maybe all this hardship would turn him into a better person in the end, like Lucas said.

"Look I gotta go back to work- call me if you need anything," I bid Lucas goodbye, hanging up the phone and dropping it onto the swing beside me.

As if I'd been holding them in since I arrived in the Midwest, tears started to cascade down my face, and I buried my head deep in my hands to try and stifle my sobs. I was so sick of crying.

An overwhelming urge to need to be sick crept up my spine in a cold chill, and in an instant, as a slobbering mess, I ran inside, turning into the first bathroom by the entryway. I leant over the toilet bowl on my knees, and threw up the cereal I'd had earlier for breakfast, but the nausea didn't stop even once I'd emptied my stomach.

Lugging my exhausted body to my bedroom, I collapsed onto my bed, my eyes fluttering closed as I tried to subdue the compulsion to gag. My mouth tasted gross, and I knew I should've brushed my teeth, but between Evan and the nausea, I couldn't bring myself to get back up. I breathed heavily through my nose, overwhelmed by the roller coaster of emotions I'd felt in the past 10 minutes, and sometime during my thoughts I'd drifted to sleep for a midday nap.

I woke up to the feeling of someone rubbing my shin through the blanket. When my eyes opened, I saw my mother, her face filled with concern as I let out a groan.

"Are you alright sweetheart? You left all your things outside," she handed me my phone and laptop, and honestly, they were the last things I wanted to see right now.

"Your phone has been ringing nonstop, I think it's Evan," she said softly, before getting up off the edge of the bed, "I'll leave you to it."

I watched my mother's back as she left my bedroom, closing the door behind her. I finally glanced at my Lock Screen, and as my mother said, I'd been receiving call after call from Evan. I was afraid to ring him back, I didn't know how I'd handle the conversation. But when my phone lit up with yet another call, I decided to bite the bullet and answer.

"Holy shit Alex, where the fuck have you been? I've been calling you nonstop for the last hour!" Evan sounded frantic, and his anger filled tone chilled me to the bone.

"Sorry I was sleeping I don't feel well," I mumbled, sitting up in my bed.

"It's alright- look, there's been some fucked up shit about me on social media okay, just ignore it, none of it is legit," I rolled my eyes, was he really trying to say that the video I saw of him wasn't real?

"Okay Evan, thanks for calling," I surprised myself by being so blunt, I thought I'd be a lot weaker than that.

"No baby listen, I'm being serious, they're trying to get me," Evan's breathing turned erratic, and I could just see now how much coke he'd probably had. He was obviously paranoid.

"Yes Evan I believe you," I lied through grit teeth; this conversation was beginning to irk me, and I wasn't going to entertain it for much longer. It was the early afternoon, and he had already been through a few lines it seemed.

"Okay good okay baby, I'll see you later- tell your parents I said hi," I had to look at my phone screen as the line went dead to make sure he'd hung up. In two weeks, he'd completely turned his world upside down, and I felt like absolute shit because of it - and I know he didn't care as long as he was high. All I could think about was what we could be if he just didn't act like such a moron, if he hadn't gotten famous, if we were still in St Louis driving around in his jeep.

The memory of who we used to be played over and over in my mind until I felt another wave of nausea, and got up again to run to the toilet. Must be the stress.