Junoon Aur Sukoon

Helplessness

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Hm POV

Its 1 am and she was not still here, and i was going to call Ss to track her location. Just then the main door got open, i ran towards there and saw Ks coming while stumbling here and there, as she was about to fall i ran towards her and saved her from falling but wait what's this smell is of, Is she drunk? But as much i know she doesn't drink, then? So i thought to ask her, "Karishma Singh apne sharab pi hai", she nodded her head while trying to balance herself trying to get out of my grip but i hold her, then i took her to her room and made her sit on the bed, her hand still had the blood although it was dried but the wound was not treated, so i brought the first aid and sat beside her taking her hand and started cleaning it, she doesn't resisted but she was intently looking at me, i can feel her intense gaze on myself, i don't know what she is thinking but i decided to focus on the first aid.

As i was cleaning she hissed in pain and i asked her, " zada dard ho rha hai" she chuckled a bit and deadpanned in a drunk tone, "dard, maddam sir ye sari kahani dard ki hi to hai. Apko pta hai jab hum apko uss zara ke sath dekh rhe the to hume itna dard ho rha ki kb hamare hath me glass tut gya hume pta hi nhi chala shayad dil me jo dard tha uske aage ye dard kuch bhi nhi tha phir jab hum park me bethe the apne hath se kaanch ke tukde nikal rhe the to humne do logo ko baat krte sunna hai wo keh rhe the ki sharab peene se dard kam ho jate hai to humne pi li pr kambakhat dil abhi bhi utna hi dukh rha hai. Maddam sir apko pta hai duniya me sabse bada dukh kya hota hai, dhokha? Dil tutna?, Hume nhi pta pr hume lagta hai ki duniya ka sabse dard hai bebasi, majburi jaha aap iss kadr majbur ho ki aap duniya me jisse sabse zda pyar krte ho wo insan apko samne se aake kehta ki wo apse pyar krta hai aur aap usse badle me gale bhi nhi laga sakte, aesi majburi jaha jis insan ki aankhon me aap ek aasu nhi dekhna chahte wo apki wajah se ro rha hai aur aap uske aasu tak nhi poch sakte, aesi majbur jaha agr koi uss insan ko taklif de to aap taklif dene wale ki jaan uske halak se nikal lo pr aap khud uske taklif ki wajah ban jaye, aap bataiye na phir wo insan khud ko konsi saza de apne pyar ko taklif pahuchane ki, boliye na maddam sir"  she blurted out in one go and i was treating her wound while tears were continuously flowing through my cheeks, i don't know if i should be mad at her but for what, for loving me so much that my pain is bothering her more than me. I don't know what it is that is making her so helpless that she is hurting both of us but not expressing herself, but i will try to help her get out of it, my thoughts got broke as she was calling me and as i looked at her, her expression changed to a worried one, she immediately came near me and wipe my tears and spoke while cupping my face, " madd... maddam sir plz hume maaf kr dijiye hum apko kbhi koi dukh nhi pahuchana chahte, plz plz aese roiye mat, apke aankho me aasu dekhte hai to hamara dil beth jata hai plz aap bolengi to hum kaan pakad ke uthak bethak krne ke liye tyar hai, pr plz aese roiye mat" she said looking at me with eyes full of worry, guilt and affection. I smiled seeing her concern then nodded my head while removing my face from her grip then i stood up and made her lay on bed and properly covered her with the sheet and as i was moving away, i felt a tug on my wrist and before i could comprehend i was on bed hovering over her and her face very close to me, my cheeks started heating up, a chill ran through my body and i felt a havoc in my stomach seeing her this close to me. She took her hand and cupped my face and brought my face close to hers while pulling her head towards me, and slowly the gap was getting reduced and my heart racing like it will come out anytime, our hot breaths started mingling with each other, she had closed her eyes and our lips was about to touch but i put my hand in between and we kissed my hand. She smiled against my hand i could feel that then she reached towards my forehead and kissed there and said, " I love you" and dozzed off loosing her grip on my face.

My heart skipped two three beats listening to what just she said, and i was staring at her innocent face while a sad grin tugged on my lips, it was not like i didn't wanted to feel her lips against mine, to kiss her till the time she starts believing that i will never leave her and with such passion that she could feel secure enough to tell what she literally feels, i only knew how i controlled myself because i didn't wanted our first kiss to happen when she is drink, i don't know if she will remember any of this tomorrow. The fact upset me that everytime she needs something to express herself whether it be medicine, a nightmare or alcohol, she said she love me but in the influence of alcohol but atleast i am happy that i am able to hear this from her mouth otherwise i had lost hope but today one thing i realised, the toughest part of being silent was u never actually allow yourself to express. And piling up everything inside urself can be a lot painful and exhausting mentally and emotionally. Then i kissed her forehead and left the room thinking what can be the thing that can actually make her confess and because of crying earlier i also slept.