THE SAME

STAGE FIVE - ENDURING

-SOMCHAI-

It's been three weeks since Nayla has given birth and she hasn't held the baby.

I don't know what to do.

I tried getting her to breastfeed by holding the baby but, she refuses and says she'll pump milk instead. She hasn't been leaving the bed and I have to force soups down her throat. I have to shower her myself and I end up comforting her because she just cries.

The doctors said it was a near perfect delivery and she delivered on time but, then something changed. She stayed a week in the hospital but I stopped sleeping over after the third night and when I came the next morning, she was different.

...

"Nayla, we need to talk about baby names. We have a month and-"

"Just name him," she whispered not even looking at me. "I don't have a good name."

"But I want us to do it together-"

"Then get your grandparents to do it. Get your parents to do it. Get my mum to do it. Get my grandparents to do it. Get anyone else to do it."

Why is she talking like this?

I slid underneath the covers and cuddled her from behind. I held her close as I hugged her in silence. We didn't say anything but, I think I should be here for her.

She won't even talk about baby names.

The counsellor warned me that around the end of month seven she was showing signs of antenatal depression.

And I was scared.

But, I knew she must have been more scared so, I put on a strong face and tried to take care of the things she was finding hard. I asked everyone around us to spend more time with her. I made sure she was eating and I tried to affirm her at every step.

But the counsellor said that there was a high chance that it would develop into postnatal depression with the timing of things but, I never imagined this.

I never imagined she wouldn't want to hold him.

I didn't think she wouldn't want to name him.

I didn't think I would feel this hopeless watching her like this.

"Nayla," I whispered trying to keep my emotions stable and my voice gentle and soothing. "Baby, I need you to talk to me. I need you to tell me what is on your mind because... I don't know what to do when you won't even feed him. I don't know what to do when you won't eat. I don't know what to do and I'll do anything for you."

"There's nothing you can do."

"If you tell me, I'll do anything. I will sell my soul to give you everything you want," I promised holding her tighter as I felt her. "I am here for you. I am yours so please... don't push me away."

"H-he doesn't like me. H-"

I immediately sat up and pulled her on my lap so that I could rub her back as she cried. She held me so tight, I was sure her nails were scratching my back through my tshirt but I never felt more relieved.

I'd rather she showed her emotion.

"In the maternity ward, he w-wouldn't calm down when I held him. The nurses always had to come but with you and them... he was so happy and relaxed. He doesn't like it when I hold him."

"Nayla-"

"I am a terrible mother and my child doesn't like being held by me... he doesn't want to be my child Somchai. All I'm good for, is breast milk."

"Nayla stop," I shushed holding her face, "he cries with me too-"

"But he eventually stops with you but with me, he was turning red and I was scared and I had to call the nurses every single time. I couldn't calm down my own child. I couldn't tell what was a hungry cry and a I'm tired cry."

"Nayla-"

A loud cry sounded from the baby monitor and we both took a second before looking at each other.

"He needs you, you should-"

"No," I cut her off, "he needs us both."

I lead her to the baby's room and gently pulled her when she tried to oppose going in. I lead her to the reclaimer in the room.

"Sit here, baby."

I gently held the crying baby boy and put him in her arm. She looked at me in terror and tried to protest but, I simply adjusted her arms to hold him properly.

She gently traced his cheek and wiped her own eyes as he began to calm down. Shortly, he fell asleep holding Nayla's finger.

"He's so quiet right now."

"That was a cry for his mom," I added crouching down so I could look up at her. "All he wanted was you. All the boys in your life need is you."

"And all I need is you guys and if bubba allows me, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life making up these three weeks."

"We can start with a name," I suggested stroking his check.

"Leonardo Haneul Kim."

"Where did you get Haneul from?"

"Your grandmas and I were brainstorming and they said that the child of the only grandson is a heavenly child so grandma Kim thought Haneul was cute. I liked it too."

"And Leonardo?"

"I just thought Leo and Nayla sounded like a play on the lion theme," she laughed, not taking her eyes off Leo's face. "Because when I meet you, we talked about the lion king."

"Leonardo Haneul Kim," I smiled, "our son."

Leonardo Haneul Kim.