THE SAME

Chapter eight

"Here I thought you couldn't fuck up anymore."

Me too.

"What is wrong with me Sam? Maybe I'm just freaking dumb."

"I would think so."

I couldn't speak to Samirah fast enough. After an SOS message she called me back instantly and I just couldn't tell her fast enough how badly I embarrassed myself. That whole conversation with Chai was just me being a moron and trying to be that friend.

You know. The friend who doesn't like you but stays in your business. 

"What do you want?"

What do I want?

"I don't know."

"Look, you don't have to love him right now but, if you see him as more than a friend you need to start being honest to yourself and him. Otherwise you're always going to play the clown."

I did attend Clown University. Graduated with flying colours too.

"B-But," I stammered, "w-what if he hurts me?"

That's what it comes down to. Protecting myself.

"Listen Nay," Samirah started seriously, "there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. However if there's someone you actually are interested in, you just need to dive head first and if it ends up in shit, then that's just the gamble you took. This could be the guy who cheats on you or a guy who marries you - you'll never know. You just gotta try it and experience it."

"I hear you."

Loud and clear for once.

"I think you should experience it. You always say you want to experience things but I don't think you actually want to experience things because you would experience it if you wanted to experience things."

"Please tell me you just did not quote Kendall Jenner in my time of need."

...

So today, Chai asked me to come hang out with him. He said it's because he just hasn't seen me in a long time and he misses me.

I don't think he realises what it does to me when he says he misses me. Especially now that I'm just confused about my feelings for him. I just don't know what to think anymore. 

And I just friendzoned him to the depths of the friendship best-friend realm. I sound dumb as fuck if I said something like 'I like you.'

Hello there, you honour, I'm sorry for the things I've done and I'll try to be stronger.

"Hey stranger," Somchai greeted me welcoming me into his house with a hug. 

Is it me or does he always smell really nice? Paco Robanne 1 Million nice. My aunt and uncle were perfume connoisseurs.

"You smell nice."

Please get the three uncles to come bury me.

"Thanks," he said looking at me in amusement, "I take showers. Get comfortable."

I just couldn't calm my beating heart sitting on his couch and being in his house.

It just hits different when you might be crushing on someone.

I just stared at his black rug in nervousness whilst he sat next to me trying to ask me about takeaway and what I might want to watch. How my week has been. 

I could barely focus when he was sitting so close to me.

I aM a GROwn ass woMAn. What happened to Nayla having grown woman crushes and grown woman reactions?

"Okay so spill. What's wrong?"

"N-Nothing."

"But you aren't even giving me eye contact. Did I do something wrong?"

"It's not you, it's me," I answered trying to smile looking at him for the first time the whole evening.

"You're breaking up with me already," he said with a smile. 

That beaming smile that makes me lowkey swoon.

"Can I be honest with you?"

"Always."

Fuck it. I'll go out swinging.

"I'm confused about my feelings. I don't know how to feel about you. I don't know what to do."