"Welcome to being treated like shit for no reason."
In which a black woman falls in love with an asian man who takes discrimination on a stride.
Started: 8/05/2020
Ended: 1/01/2023
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My counsellor told me not to worry but, I am horrified.
I am afraid I won't be a good mother for my bubba.
Somchai has fallen so easily into the role of the father and I can tell he is going to be an amazing papa. He literally talks to the baby all the time and I am struggling to connect with what is supposed to be my bundle of joy.
I hate the way my body changed. I hate that I have to go to the toilet all the time. I hate that my levels of anxiety have risen significantly from month four to month seven.
I feel so guilty I even feel like this.
"Baby, are you ok? Do you need rest? You don't look so good."
I know he's worried but something about him saying I don't look good, triggered a switch within me.
"I'm sorry I don't look good right now, it's fucking hard to look good at almost eight months. I know I look fat and tired," I said before storming off to our room.
We'll I would've liked it to be a storm off but it was more like a fast waddle.
Tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes.
"Nayla, what's wrong? What was that," Somchai asked following me around the penthouse to the bedroom.
"Nothing."
"But you look like you'll cry. There is something."
I feel like if I was a crybaby before, that has been cranked up to a million in pregnancy. I literally cried at the little mermaid. I've cried at Top Boy. I've cried watching every and any series lately.
"I just feel disgusted at myself," I admitted wiping away my tears, "my maternal instinct hasn't kicked in and I feel like shit. How could I be worried about my looks and there's a whole child in me? I-"
"Baby, stop," Somchai murmured against my hair pulling me in for a hug. "I think you're being too harsh on yourself. There are a lot of changes happening in your body and in your life right now so, be kinder to yourself."
"But the bubba-"
"Right now," Somchai emphasised softly cupping my cheeks, "you're freaking out about m thinking you'll be a bad mom. Even right now, you're thinking about our bubba. That's seems like a mother."
"You think so?"
"Every night before you go to sleep, you're on a mommy forum or baby shopping or watching a video on how to change diapers. Every night before a parenting class you draft a list of questions to ask. You do care about the baby but you're also thinking about yourself. There's no shame in that."
"But I'm the mother-"
"You're not just a mother, you're Nayla as well. What you want, what you need, your insecurities are also important."
