Calloused Hearts

Chapter 1

Kaz Brekker didn't need a reason. Everyone knew this. Everyone feared it. It's why he could walk down an alleyway in confidence. Of course, he was alert, because there was always someone who felt himself to be the bigger and better man. Which is why, when he heard someone grunt behind him, someone who he knew wasn't Inej, he stopped.

"You know better than to sneak up on me."

He heard the softest thud, one he wouldn't have heard, had he not noticed the grunt before..

"You had to choose an alley with the worst houses in the Barrel?"

Kaz's heart dropped. He knew that voice. How could he not? It was engraved in his mind, he knew it better than he knew his crows, better than he knew his trade, perhaps better than he knew himself.

"Why are you following me?"

He hated how his voice wavered. Your mere presence had such an effect on him. 'Pull it together Kaz. You're Dirtyhands. The Bastard of the Barrel. Act like it'.

He heard a huff, some shuffling, before you spoke again, "6 years, and the first thing you ask is why I'm following you?"

"You said it yourself. 6 years. So why?" He gripped his cane to ground himself. He had to remind himself that you weren't the girl he knew. This girl wasn't his best friend.

"I've been following you for nearly over 3 years now. You're telling me you hadn't realized? Not once?"

"No."

That was a lie. He had. He'd seen your navy blue coat in the small light of a shop window on a few occasions. The way that the rain didn't seem to fall much on him and his crows, while others nearby got drenched. The shadow of your figure flying past his window. He'd seen it. But he'd refused to believe it. He'd blamed it on his mind. Was convinced that it was just his imagination. "No, I haven't," he said. Stronger this time, more firm, as if trying to convince himself.

He heard a sigh, more shuffling. "Ok. Alright, I guess I'm just that good then, huh?"

He knew what you were trying to do. You were trying to irk him. To get under his skin, to get him to spill the truth. He didn't want to give you the satisfaction, nor did he want to play along. Both were costly. So, he opted for silence.

More shuffling. Another sigh.

"Do I have to continue talking to your back? Or are you going to turn?"

He didn't want to turn. Turning would mean seeing you. Seeing you would mean backtracking on all the efforts he'd put into forgetting you.

And yet, his heart yearned for it. To look at you, to see your face. One of the few good things in the Bastard's life. He couldn't afford it. He always trusted his mind. Not his heart. Yet somehow, he turned.

He couldn't see your face clearly. It was hidden behind the shadows of the night, only the silhouette of your body. You kept your style; he could make out the jacket you wore, something like what Inej had, and your hood. You moved your hand and it came to a stop in front of you, where the moonlight illuminated your awkward wave. Gloves. He remembered those gloves. Fingerless, black leather. He'd given those to you. Kaz's fingers curled around the crow on his cane. She's not the girl you gave those too, she's a betrayer. He stayed silent.

"Wow, no waving back? Okay."

"Stop pretending like we're friends. Like we know each other. Like I know you," again, he was trying to convince himself. This wasn't you. Part of him believed otherwise. Part of him wanted to take you back to the Slat. Catch up over whiskey, laugh it all off like you always had. He wanted to revel in your comfort. Your smile. Your lau-

'Kaz stop it. Don't let her in again'.

You stepped forward, and Kaz had to prevent himself from moving back. The moonlight fell on your face now, and his fingers ache from clutching his cane. Your features were more defined now, your eyes darker, without the spark he'd known. A scar, starting a bit above your eyebrow, ran down, across it, and ended just before your eyelid. He was right. This wasn't you.

"We were, before," the hurt in your voice did something to him. It made him want to give in. But he couldn't. He remembered waiting for you, hoping you would show up. He set his jaw. No. He wasn't going to give in to a traitor. "Before," he said, still not in complete control of the confidence in his voice.

"Ok look, I can explain Kaz. Please let me explain. I-"

"No." He cut you off. You froze. He took a deep breath in. "No Y/N you may not explain why you betrayed me. Why you broke your promise. I am not the slightest bit interested. I've learnt to live without you." Lie. "I don't need you." Lie. A pause "I don't need you," he repeated. He was convincing himself, he just hoped you didn't know that.

He watched you stiffen. Your expression dropped, shoulders sagging. He wanted to reach out. He wanted to turn around and leave. He wanted you. He wanted to forget your existence. He wanted so many things. All contradicting. He hated that you could do this to him. That you could turn his world upside down. That you could make him confused, and not know what he wanted. He hated you. No, he wanted to hate you, but his heart wouldn't let him. He huffed. Get a hold of yourself Brekker.

"I'm sorry," you whispered. Soft, hurt, confused. He couldn't read the emotion. Your hand moved to clutch your side, a small whimper leaving your lips. Were you going to cry? That's when he saw the sticky substance that coated your fingers. He froze, his eyes widening slightly. "Fuck," you muttered. You looked back at him, eyes widened, face pale.

"I-"

"You're bleeding."

"Believe so," you chuckled dryly.

"How?" He cursed himself internally. He shouldn't care.

"Must've gotten shot escaping PR. But then I saw you outside alone and I followed. Kinda didn't realize"

PR. The code you created for Rollins. Makes him seem too important, he'd say. Yeah, but PR's are annoying, you'd bite back.

Kaz's free hand curled into a fist. Did you think he couldn't handle himself? Why did you follow him even after being shot? Why were you shot in the first place? And by Pekka? Why were you shot by Pekka? How by Pekka? What is up with Pekka, and him constantly messing with people he cared about? Why did he include you in that group? He flexed the hand holding his cane, it had gotten too stiff from all the gripping.

"I'll uh- I'll go. Just forget this ok? I thought it would go well, clearly it didn't so, just ignore me." You rushed with your words.

Kaz had to think fast. He didn't want to let you back in. But he could have you healed right? Just once? Would it hurt? No it wouldn't, right? Nina could fix you better than you'd be able to fix yourself. You'd already lost quite a bit of blood from what he could see. C'mon Kaz. She left you to fend for yourself. But the sight of you bleeding, hurt, and the fact that Pekka Rollins had done that to you, it changed something in him.

Just as you turned around, he called you out. "Wait."

You turned back around slowly. "Look Kaz, I should go-"

"Can you walk till the Slat?"

He couldn't see your face, you were in the dark again but he could hear the shock in your voice as you asked "What?"

"I was clear, I believe. Can you walk till the Slat? I assume you already know where that is."

There was a pause, and then "Yeah, but-"

"Then we better get going before you faint, because if you do, I'm not carrying you."

He walked up to you pausing to look, "Let's go," and he walked off. He didn't wait for you, fighting the urge to look back. After a few seconds he heard your huffs and then you yelled "Wait up Brekker, I'm hurt if you remember." And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't fight the small smile that made its way to his face.