I'm Not Like Them (A Nirvana Fan Fic - Kurt Cobain! X OFC)

Mean Heart, Cold Heart

TRIGGER WARNING- Mention of Drug Use

"Kurt?"

My voice seems small now as my eyes are seeing what I never imagined.

I look at him as he looks over to me now, syringe in hand, with Courtney Love. They are both nude, clearly after having slept with each other, while Kurt is pointing the needle into her arm.

"Shit." He says.

"Who's this?" The Hole front woman asks with a croak.

Kurt gets up, giving the needle to Courtney before I turn my back, eyes tearing up and finding the love of my life shacked up with a musician and a front woman that I actually had a lot of respect for. I storm out of the room and quickly rush toward the front door, grabbing my bag from the counter top, hearing Kurt and Courtney talking to each other before I hear Kurt's voice nearer to me.

I open the front door and I feel a hand hold my wrist from behind.

"Alana, I can explain." He says simply.

"I didn't know you had a fucking girlfriend?!" Courtney screeches from the hallway.

"Let me go Kurt." I say quietly, my sobs becoming more apparent.

He loosens his grip on me and I burst out the door, walking, trying to get away from the situation.

Kurt, who now has on a knitted sweater and some jeans, follows me on the street much to the amusement of passers by, and a rather shocked old lady walking a chihuahua.

"Alana, baby..." He calls as I fasten my pace. 

"Stop it Kurt! Just stop it!" I say before turning around and seeing him look genuinely concerned.

Tears stream down my face as I weep uncontrollably.

"Baby..." He says walking closer to me, until his palm caresses my cheek and his other hand taking mine.

"Kurt...please..." I say between my cries.

"I missed you..." He says, his eyes looking deeply into mine. He's beautiful and I can't help but feel I've lost him.

"If you missed me....then why...why were you in OUR bedroom in OUR bed, with Courtney Love?" I manage to say, as Kurt wipes the tears from one of my cheeks with his thumb.

"I didn't think you were coming back...I waited for your calls, but I thought you were staying in England. I made my peace with that fact you might not come back, and I met Courtney at a show..But now you're back...it's just you and me now." He says.

I step back and move away from his touch. 

"I called you every fucking night Kurt. I never stopped thinking about you. After the first month of me calling, you didn't pick up and I just assumed you were busy. I told you I would come back...you couldn't wait a little longer for me?" I say, utterly defeated and feeling the jet lag.

"I'm sorry...I'm not good at being alone...I don't want to lose you. But now you're back, we can pick up where we left off..." He says before I cut him off.

"It's not that easy...how can I trust you now? And shooting up? I knew the holes in your arm weren't a rash months ago. Why didn't you tell me?" I ask.

"I know...I'll get clean for you. I fucking promise." he replies.

I shake my head.

"Get clean for yourself." I say. "It's over Kurt..."

What am I saying? I'm making this decision in the here and now and I know I will hate myself for it, but how can we continue what we have when I just found out what I have.

Kurt looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes in almost disbelief. I can see his insecurities coming through, and that look in his eyes when he realises he fucked up.

"Alana, I swear to you with all I fucking have..." he begins as I turn back and keep walking.

I feel his desperation at a new high as he calls out something I never expected to hear, and definitely not in this situation.

"ALANA! MARRY ME?"

I stop and close my eyes, trying to be strong, tears escaping once more from my puffy and tired eyes.

I shake my head and continue walking along the street. 

Kurt has probably given up after about 10 minutes of me continuing to walk away, as he hasn't followed me. I sit and wait at the bus stop which I reach after a little while, and I board the bus that turns up shortly after.

I head into town and head for Sally's apartment where she lives with Jeff now. I heard she had her baby and we kept in touch when I was in the UK.

I turn up at her door and knock, expecting her to come to the door, but I'm greeted by Jeff, sporting a basketball vest, some shorts that dramatically clash with it, and one of his colourful hats.

I look a mess and he probably thinks so too.

"Alana! Welcome back girl!" He says, before his smile turns to concern, realising I'm broken and hurt.

"Hey Jeff, Can I come in?" I ask.

"Abso-fucking-lutely...what's up? What happened?" he asks before stepping aside so I can enter the apartment. He closes the door behind me before I turn to him.

I can't help it, I'm bawling again.

"Oh, hey....Come here." Jeff says as he takes me into his arms.

I welcome this hug to be honest, and I let my tears out as my face rests on Jeff's chest.

"Hey, hey, it's okay..." Jeff says to comfort me.

I hear the door open again and Sally walks in.

"Alana?!" she says. "You okay girl?" 

She notices something isn't right as I'm still within Jeff's embrace. I eventually step away and wipe the tears from my cheeks.

"It's over with Kurt. I'm hurting, I'm jet lagged and I'm just about fucking done with everything." I say tearfully.

"No fucking way....What did the fucker do....I swear to..."

"It's okay Sal, I just want him to be happy. Even if that means sleeping and shooting up with Courtney Love..." I respond.

Jeff needs to pick his mouth up off the floor at my reveal.

"Is he fucking insane? A beautiful, kind soul like yourself...and he decides to do you dirty?" Jeff says in disbelief.

"How dare he! Okay, NO ONE messes with my best friend." Sally says, almost fuming at how I found Kurt.

The baby monitor goes off with the baby crying in the nursery.

"JEFF! BABY....NOW" Sally orders before Jeff nods and heads to take care of the tot.

"Girl....The spare bedroom is yours for as long as you need. Go get some rest and if you wanna talk about anything, I'll be here." Sally says.

"Thanks Sal, I can't tell you how grateful I am." I respond.

"What kind of friend would I be?" she smiles. 

I head to the spare room, collapsing on the bed, exhausted and in need of sleep.