Shape of the Sun

Siblings' bond

Anisha. She wanted him dead.

Rajkumar had never thought that he'd hate someone as much as he did right now. He was still in shock. He was still in shock at that close shave. Just a little more.

Shaky hands brought the wine glass to lips only to set it down again, the other agitating hair like his heart set on fire. Rajkumar brought his hands down to examine, clammy to touch, sweat-soaked like the rest of his body. The last time that he had felt this way was that night so long ago. Rajkumar didn't want to remember.

He huffed and let out turbid air, sure to join the rest out there on the patio where he sat. It was a cold night. It was pleasant in the city. Rajkumar was the anomaly.

A sob escaped past his lips, seemingly out of nowhere. But he knew that it wasn't, a reflection of the fear he felt today, of the tightness in his chest when Manmeet had told him that she hated him. He had been two inches short of going crazy. Still, he had to be composed enough to convince his lover and put off his hurt to care for hers.

Now, Manmeet was asleep. He was alone, so it was okay to cry, there was no one watching. Yet, his hands clamped over his mouth, afraid to make a noise that could alert the other two inside. A tear slid down his cheek, followed by another, and then another, until it was an outpouring of sadness on his face with the sounds, stifled.

He needed a fix. He needed a vice. But he had sworn off his vices. He had promised Papaji to never again touch the bottle. He had promised in that tiny hospital ward in London, wearing nothing but a white hospital gown, discordant with the dark of his heart at that time.

Rajkumar grabbed his phone, on the floor beside him, and dialed Choti.

She picked up on the first ring, her voice tired.

"Hello?" The call had woken her up. It was so late out.

"Ch-choti...choti..."

"Hold up a sec."

There was a sound of the rustling of sheets, followed by the shutting of a door. His sister didn't speak until she was well-settled on that side, her voice now urgent, all trace of fatigue gone. Quite understandably, she was panicked. It wasn't every day that she woke up to her brother crying over the phone.

Rajkumar hardly cried, at least in front of others. It was the real deal to once in a blue moon.

"Okay deep breaths, Raj. Deep breaths. I need you to calm down, okay?"

He placed the phone on the floor and hugged himself, arms wrapped around his frame like he would break, would shatter, would scatter into a million pieces, and a dozen more if he didn't. Rajkumar wanted to be anchored. He breathed loudly, body trembling as he did, one step at a time. Then, a second time. And then, another. Rajkumar kept going at this while Choti patiently waited.

She'd wait. It was a task she should never have left at that time.

Choti only spoke up when she couldn't hear loud breathing anymore.

"Are you calm now, Raj?"

"...Yeah. I-I think."

"That's great." she whispered, "What's the matter?" Rajkumar heard the sound of water running out of a faucet. Was falling into a tub. Too loud. Didn't matter.

He decided to go straight, eyes scanning the living room behind him and confirming that it was empty. Rajkumar was grateful for the patio sliding door.

"I'm married. And not to Manmeet."

The sound of water stopped. The faucet was turned off. Choti wanted to be sure that the noise wasn't causing her to hear things not said. Rajkumar didn't blame her, he said it again before she asked.