Shape of the Sun

Planted

"Ammaji, I am fine. There is no need to come over, okay?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. The same goes for Papaji and Choti."

Rajkumar couldn't stress that enough despite understanding where their concern stemmed from. In a single week, he had managed to have a minor concussion and a nightmare, accompanied by a deep cut on his hand. No arteries were affected so he was lucky, as confirmed by the colleague who had come over to dress his wounds.

He could still hear him and Manmeet talking outside the door. Rajkumar absentmindedly fixated on what they could be discussing, so he forgot the call was still running.

"Rajkumar?" Nirali's tone was concerned, afraid that her youngest might have blacked out, an after-effect of the concussion. He was well aware of the direction her thoughts ran in, doing the utmost to steer them on track.

"I'm here. Ammaji. I am fine, so don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

Sigh.

"Yes." he pinched the bridge of his nose, "Can I call you later Ammaji? I'm pretty tired and I want to go to bed." 

Lies. He couldn't focus with Manmeet standing outside with another man.

"Alright. Don't forget to rest."

"I won't. I love you."

"I love you too."

Rajkumar ended the call and threw the phone to the side, body following suit to lie back on the bed, away from the sitting position he had been in. Trying to tune out their voices was frustrating, so he tried tuning into something else. Rajkumar raised up his left hand covered in a white bandage and stared hard at it, a frown on his face.

It was disconcerting thinking about last night, to say the least.

The nightmare still felt so real, so raw that he shuddered just remembering. That fear and that pain hadn't quite left. They were still wedged in his heart, in the center, so that it was too heavy. And when Rajkumar remembered his actions after waking up, it felt even heavier.

Contrary to what Manmeet and everyone else thought, he hadn't awoken by cutting himself on the glass cup beside the bed. Only Rajkumar knew that he had risen from that terrible nightmare and consciously shattered the cup, a rough twenty seconds after. 

Was he in pain? Yes.

Was he terrified? Yes.

But was he unaware? No.

Rajkumar had taken a quick decision, yes it was in a panic, but he had taken the initiative to shatter that glass because it was the fastest way to alert Manmeet and induce panic in her by the way.

That was how desperate he was to have her come and look at him with the eyes that she used to. No one else could tell how grateful he was that her coldness had only happened in that nightmare, that it had been fake. Rajkumar had never known that he could yearn for the affection of another so much until she had wrapped him in her arms where he could feel her love and hold onto it, even if it was just a wisp, something hanging by a thread.

Still, was it worth it?

Rajkumar brought down the hand to rest across his eyes even as he recalled the dream, playing like a videotape in his mind. There were so many other parts to it that he was just beginning to work out, the standout being Anisha's presence in that dream.

Perhaps this was a warning? 

Was it really okay to be so domestic, so happy for something as trifling as this, as love? Rajkumar wanted to ask all the right questions. What about if he went down this lane and regretted it? What about if this love, this feeling that came over him when he looked at Manmeet, what about if it vanished in a few months, a few years, and then, he hated her and himself? What about if he even hated their child, a symbol of the life that he had instead of the one he had desired?