Shape of the Sun

Sibling bonding so tight

The next morning

Rajkumar sensed that he wasn't alone as soon as he came to. A sensation that would usually bring happiness brought the opposite.

He didn't open his eyes, but he didn't need to recognize that it was his mother's hand on his forehead, her distinct touch one that always brought him so much joy.

Now, it did the opposite.

Rajkumar heard her speak and felt nothing but sadness. It was muted, but it was there.

"Why are you so troublesome, this child? You create a fuss and still manage to make us worry. You'd better get well soon for your mother, okay? I'm all for your good."

This was followed by a peck on his forehead, the entire makeup pushing Rajkumar to the edge. The whole thing made his insides churn. At the same time, he felt like laughing, but that would give him away.

So what should he do? Was he to fret as usual, to worry over everything they said, wrapped up in their concerns and not his?

Perhaps, it was because he had never thought of them as mutually exclusive. He had been blind to the glaring truth of this dog-eat-dog world - that it had a place in the home. Rajkumar mentally noted that he was ten and already had such thoughts. It was a bit amusing, the way his age still filtered through the struggle on what this could mean.

Was it good or bad?

He didn't know. In his defense, he had never known.

His mother spoke again, her hands smoothing his hair, but her voice wasn't directed at him.

"Choti, I'll have to go and meet up with your father and the doctor downstairs. Stay and chat with your brother when he wakes up, okay?"

"Okay, mumma."

"Good."

The warmth left his face, along with its source. Rajkumar heard her steps, walking out the door, leaving him with the one he didn't want to face. She who was meant to protect him had hurt him the most. 

It was sibling bonding so tight.

He felt run through every second he lay on the bed, her eyes on him. The air felt dry, so it was hard to breathe.

It would only get harder.

"I know you are not sleeping, Raj. Your eyelids moved."

Rajkumar never noticed how tiny, how unconfident his sister's voice was until now. If it wasn't loud and boisterous, it wasn't Priyanka.

Then again, he didn't know her very well. It was funny how his own twin sister felt like a stranger at this moment, the first.

"You got me, I see."

He opened his eyes and stared into hers. There was no mirth in his voice.

"You got me." The repeat was a notch lower.

Rajkumar watched his sister shift from one foot to the other, body language betraying her uneasiness. He chuckled, light as a feather. He couldn't help it; the mirror was being held out to his own foolishness.

"Are you okay?" It was common courtesy to ask.

"Y-yeah. Are you okay?"

"Am I not supposed to be?"

"Raj..."

Priyanka began crying right there, tears streaming down her face and with a momentum that always sent Rajkumar into a panicked tizzy. Now, however, he only thought that it paled to his continuum the past weeks. He not only shed tears but blood and sweat. 

He was tired. His voice gave it away.

"Why did you do it?"

Or perhaps, it wasn't just that. Perhaps, he was also sad, heartbroken, that type of thing. If he wasn't, his eyes wouldn't burn and that question wouldn't have come out pitched higher than it should have.

"...Why? Why did you lie that I was on the train?"

"I-I am sorry, Raj. I didn't mean to." Priyanka choked on her sobs, pausing in between words. Rajkumar waited as she went on. "I just wanted to play a prank. Just a small prank."

"A small prank?" Did she know the things it did to him? He was crying now, too.

"Y-yes! I hated how much dadda favored you. I had thought his punishment was unfair..."

"Ha! Haha! So you went ahead and got me left behind, all because you were punished for breaking my toy? And why?!"

"Raj..."

"You broke my toy because I refused to give it to you! I got my toy broken and left behind. Haha!"

Rajkumar laughed, one that barely qualified as that because of the tears and snot running down his face. His smile looked uglier than crying and his eyes appeared hollow, nothing behind them. Priyanka was scared, never having seen her brother like this. She didn't know what to do.

"R-raj..." Priyanka stammered, her voice trembling.

"You know I would have given it to you in the end, right? You know that, don't you?"

"Raj, I'm sorry!"

Rajkumar cried harder when she rushed to hug him, her pleas loud around him. They were harsh on the ears, grinding on the soul.

"I'm sorry, Raj. I'm so so sorry, please don't tell anyone. Don't tell mumma and dadda that I lied, please. Please, Raj. I'm sorry."

The tears streaming down her face spilled onto the polyester of his shirt. Her sobs grew louder, the sound reverberating in the room. Rajkumar's eyes burned with a mixture of anger and hurt, his vision blurred by the tears. 

The air in the room felt heavy, stifling. He found it hard to breathe, his heart slowed pumping too. Every word she said accompanied by profuse weeping, placed a weight, despair in her brother's eyes. She couldn't see it come and go, replaced by a haunting firmness in the eyes with unshed tears in them.

Rajkumar patted her back even as she hugged him, still crying. Somehow, even this became about her.

"It's okay. I won't tell."

He wanted to take this comfort, have this hug in peace, because it was his lot; his severance pay of some sort, a marker of the other half of his life started so young. As she asked him now, Rajkumar hoped that she wouldn't mind him asking for his share in the future.

Elder sister, this is what you owe me. But first, let me take back this title.