What Should've Been Us

Lara

"They say that funerals and the worst part of losing someone, the last time you'll see their faces before they are buried, but they never talk about the first time you go back home and lay in your bed, the way you turn to reach for them and you are yet welcomed with an empty space, a warm bed with the ghost of the person you love.
So that night, when James's parents dropped me off at our place after returning from the hospital, I decided I won't sleep on the bed we shared.
I don't think I can face that, waking up and not having his warmth welcome me in the morning.

My mind raced as I stared straight ahead at the closed casket, they said he wasn't in an okay shape to be put on display and that he was far more injured to have an open casket...but I saw him, I saw James and he wasn't as battered and bruised as they said he was, he looked just as beautiful as he has always been.
I clasped my hands tightly trying to compose myself hoping that the shaking would still but it felt impossible, his 15-year-old brother's voice speaking louder than my brain could comprehend, talking about his late loving brother.
I closed my eyes trying to disappear, maybe if I can't see anyone, they can't see me either, and I wished it could stay like that but it wasn't until I felt everyone's eyes on me and a gentle hand on my arm that I realized it was my turn to eulogize my husband.
I looked over at Arron whose gentle touch disappeared and was replaced with the chill air that sent goosebumps up my arm.
I couldn't apologize to him for losing it when he tried to pull me away from James, and he didn't stick around long enough to confront me about the confession I had made, even kept quiet about it, not telling anyone else either and I was both relieved and thankful for him for that.
I nodded and walked towards the casket, how does anyone do that, how do you tell the world about a lifetime in a five-minute speech? What words would justify his death and how many words do I have to speak to describe the agony of having to carry our only child, how do I explain to them that this was exactly what we were waiting for after years of trying, and he wouldn't even be there to experience it.
That one day our child will have to grow up without a father, the thoughts kept knocking me down like wrecking balls.
I stared at the empty paper that I grasped tightly between my fingers and looked up, everyone's eyes on me in anticipation and pity, waiting for me to say anything, do anything, break down or give my speech with a breaking voice that mirrors my broken heart.
Instead, I shook my head my eyes landing on Lucy and Andrew, tears burning my eyes before staining my cheeks so I muttered an apology, not because I was delaying his burying but because I took off running moments after, my legs burned as I ran out of the room that suffocated me, I ran and I fled away my feet thumping on the ground as I ran away from everything.
My throat burned with screams I wasn't sure were loud enough to heal my pain.
The sky above me rumbled and angered like it heard my agonized piercing pain and it poured down on me, my tears disappearing with the rainfall hitting my face.
"No, no, no, no" I grumbled under my breath I could feel my chest tightening and my breath quickening. My heart thundered loudly in my ears as I shook my head in denial "you can't just leave me alone, James" I cursed at the ghost of him
"James..." I begged the wind I closed my burning eyes and allowed the sinking feeling to drag me down to the ground as I clutched my heart, as I was pretty sure I was having a panic attack but I couldn't care less, I allowed it to take over me as I clenched my belly.
I felt a hand on my shoulder the weight of it burned my cold wet skin and as I turned around to tell Arron to leave me alone only to feel my heart thump with terror and aches
I stumbled backward away from him my body betraying me, crawling away.
"No, no, no, no, you're dead" I bluntly gasped my body still pulling me away from James.
He stared at me quietly as if he knew his presence alone shocked me to my core.
"Lara...it's okay, breathe" he urged and I frowned at his firm voice "Breathe Lara, breathe he begged and I felt my breathing slowly even out.
"you're dead" I gasped out
"I'm dead" he agreed and  everything went black instantly.