What Should've Been Us

Lara

THIRD TRY

I woke up this time in my own room, not my college apartment no, my room the one I shared with James.
As I looked around, I felt both relief and dread fill me up at the same time, the bed beside me was empty and I was laying there all alone, I sat up slowly, inspecting the bedroom that we share at our house.
Nothing seemed different or out of place since the last time I'd been here.
I looked to my bedside and my phone lay there charging so I picked it up and turned on the screen.
The photo I have of James and me hugging set as my background, my heart was pounding loudly in my chest, this was it, James was gone, I placed my hand on my stomach feeling anxiety growing inside of me.
A ringing noise brought my attention back and I looked and found James's phone on his bedside charging as well.
We didn't get James's phone back; it was still in the car where they took it to the incurrence company.
I exhaled feeling relief, James wasn't dead...I got out of bed and walked outside of our room, barefoot looking for him.
If his phone was here then he must be In the house, the bathroom was empty and I couldn't find him in the living room.
I finally made my way to the kitchen when the scent of coffee and eggs hit me, I exhaled loudly before walking in.
he stood by the stove, headphones on his ears as he prepared the food, he hummed along to the music while moving his hips.
I leaned on the doorway and crossed my arms watching him with a wide grin.
He was in his sweatpants and his shirt; well, I looked down and I had his shirt on leaving him shirtless.
He didn't notice me there as he worked his way around in the kitchen and I smiled.
I remembered the day I realized I loved him, and it was so far away now but my feelings for him never dulled.
He turned around and when his eyes laid on me standing in the doorway he smiled, the type of smile that could melt someone to their core, sweet and full of love, he removed the headphones and walked towards me wrapping his arm around my waist pulling me to him, I melted in his arms as he pressed his lips on my forehead "good morning my love" he muttered and pulled away, I looked up at him and stared into his eyes "good morning baby" I whispered and he leaned down kissing my lips softly, I placed my hands on his bare chest and he smiled "are you hungry?" he asked and I nodded, he grabbed my hand and lead me to the kitchen table "I was planning on bringing this to bed" he said picked the tray from the counter and placing it in front of me on the table "but you woke up a little earlier than I anticipated" he explained, before sitting next to me bringing his chair closer to mine.
I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek "thank you baby" I whispered and he smiled, his hand on my thigh as his fingers trailed up and down sending goosebumps all over my body.
He made eggs and some grilled cheese, some berries, and some orange juice.
"I couldn't pick so I thought might as well make all your favorites" he nudged me and I smiled, peace settled itself in my core and I wished I could freeze this moment forever, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
I realized this reoccurring thought haunted me every time.
"You know I love you, James, right?" I said my voice coming out in a hushed tone.
"I love you too" he said with a wink and I shook my head "no, I..."I sighed "losing you is my biggest nightmare" I said and something in him froze, for just a moment but then he relaxed and reached for my cheek bringing my face closer to him and pressing his forehead into mine "don't sadden yourself with these type of thoughts, everything is going to be okay" he said and I looked deeply into his eyes, the words he chose to speak were weird, but I didn't give them a second thought I just leaned into him and we began eating together.
After we finished eating, we cleaned up the kitchen after his objection that he wanted to spoil me today.
But I told him he already has done more than enough so he should let me help him.
His phone started ringing from the bedroom where I left it and as I was walking to get it for him, he stopped me "I'll go get it" he said before kissing me quickly and leaving for our bedroom.
I followed him as he picked up the phone and spoke "hello.... yes.... okay, I'll be there" he said and when I walked into our room, he frowned then his gaze softened almost immediately.
Something was not right.
Before I could ask him, what was wrong, he smiled "it's Arron, he needs help with moving something" he said walking over to our closet and picking out an outfit.
I sat on the edge of the bed and bounced my knee, that's not how he spoke with Arron.
James was hiding something and I just kept on wondering was I this blind my whole life?
"Yea, okay" I muttered and gave him a smile.
He put on his clothes and grabbed his wallet, keys, and phone.
He walked towards me and stood in front of me grabbing my face between his hands "you are the most wonderful wife out there" he said, and I trust him, but my heart was nagging me that something was wrong but I put on an act and my cheeks tinted in red "and you the most wonderful husband" I said and his smile was so bright it reached his eyes "do you need anything from outside?" he asked and I shook my head "no I might just sit and read today" I said and he nodded leaning in placing a kiss on the tip of my nose "don't worry about dinner, I'll grab us something to eat when I come back" he said and kissed me goodbye before leaving.
I looked outside and I saw Arron hugging James before they got into James's car and drove away.
I was still feeling unsettled so I crawled onto the bed to grab my phone and requested a facetime from Jude.
she picked up immediately with Alice in her arms, we aren't too far from the present it seems "oh hi there, Ally!" I called and Alice flailed her arms around at my voice "is that aunty Lara?" her mom said and Alice squealed "that's right baby, that's auntie Lara" she said and Alice cooed "did I call you in a bad time" I asked Jude and she shook her head "no, we just got back home from a walk, the weather is so nice out, she loves watching people" she said before placing the phone down on the table and adjusting Alice in her arms "how are you, and how's Zack?" I asked and Jude smiled "we are good, I'm going to start working from home soon" she said and I smiled "oh that's wonderful" I said and she nodded, Alice was babbling and Jude kept on placing kisses all over her daughter's face, I looked at them with longing in my eyes and Jude's gaze softened "don't worry it'll happen one day" she reassured me and I scoffed and she shook her head "I'm serious, you just have to be patient" she promised and I nodded, if only she knew...after I woke up the first time I took a pregnancy test but it wasn't positive, nor when I took it the next time and I doubt this time would be any different.
"what's wrong? "She asked and I raised my eyebrow "am I that obvious?" I asked and she rolled her eyes "I've known you since braces so yea, tell me what's wrong?" she asked and I sighed "something is wrong, James is hiding something and I don't know what it is" I said and Jude got the same exact look on her face James got when he was talking on the phone "you know?!" I asked and she shook her head "no I don't" and I narrowed my eyes "you forget I know you since braces too so you can't lie to me!' I said raising my voice "I'm sorry Lara, I can't tell you, Zack wasn't even supposed to tell me but he slipped..." she said and I felt myself get angry "Jude...I'm your best friend you can't keep me in the dark, everyone knows but me!" I said and she bit her lip I can tell she was feeling so guilty "I can't Lara...you have to ask James, I can't be the one who tells you" She said before Alice started crying her eyes out "go, kiss her for me" I said and I didn't mean for it to sound bitter but it did "I'm sorry Lara, I love you" she said "I love you too" I replied before hanging up
I ran through every possibility and I came up with nothing, I tried to call James and Arron but they didn't answer, I called Zack and he shut me down the same way Jude did and now I was pacing at 4 pm unable to sit calmly and wait for my husband to come home and tell me what's wrong.
To take my mind off of things I cleaned, I cleaned the entire house, I tried to sit and do some work but I couldn't do anything I just sat and stared at the laptop screen my pen in my hand wobbling between my fingers anxiously.
I pushed the chair back and took a deep breath before calling James again but my call went to voice mail and I was starting to get pissed off because they are obviously not moving stuff into Arron's house.
I rolled my head trying to rid of the ache in my neck.
Jude called to check up on me but she refused to tell me anything saying James is the one who should tell me and I was starting to think it won't be a pleasant conversation.
When I gave up trying to reach them, I threw my phone on the bed after checking the date, a year before our present day and I was trying my hardest to remember, anything any detail that might help me but I came up with nothing, I must be the biggest fool in this universe, I missed the signs of my mom's illness and Arron's feelings and now this.
Everyone around me seemed to know everything and I'm the fool who couldn't see the signs if they hit her in the face.
How didn't I notice all that, it was beyond me.
A sound of keys opening the front door came from downstairs and I was out of bed and immediately rushing downstairs.
James looked up and I realized Zack told him I figured something out because he wasn't hiding behind smiles and 'I love yous' anymore, I looked at him I truly looked and I felt like the wind has been knocked out of my lungs.
I stumbled back a step accidentally hitting the stairs and falling on my ass and James was in front of me within seconds.
There was a band-aid on his arm on the inside of his elbow and it looks like he had just gotten a blood test, my breathing began to increase and shallow.
"I'm sorry Lara..." he whispered and I looked at him
That was not enough explanation and I shook my head "what are you talking about, what...what??" my words got caught in my throat and I noticed now with his shining eyes of love and his bright smile, that his face looks thinner and his under eyes darker.
"I found a lump, a month ago and I didn't think much of it at first but it got bigger and I had it checked out" he said his voice hushed and his hands holding my face, I noticed I started crying when his thumb wiped my tears away " I didn't want to scare you, doctors said I have a very high chance of getting rid of it and I didn't want to scare you, I know how scary this is to you...I know how much you blamed yourself for your mom's illness so I didn't want to burden you with it. So I told Arron, and he didn't want to keep it a secret, every day he blows my head off nagging to tell you but I wanted to..." he exhaled a shaking breath and I was sobbing now as I watched him talk "I wanted to complete my treatment first, I know how much you are already burdened with the baby thing, I know how much it eats you on the inside but you don't say anything and I didn't want to add to it" he muttered and he was crying now "I didn't want to become your burden" he exhaled and I reached for him and pressed my forehead on his as I sobbed "James...you could never burden me..."
I pulled him in as I broke down in his arms "I wish you told me, I would have been there for you...I would have helped you, taken you to your appointments, I'm your wife" I said and he pulled back still holding my face as I cried "I'm your wife...I should have known" I said and I wasn't talking about this right now "you were sick this whole time and I didn't notice...I didn't realize" I said my breathing hitching as I hiccupped a sob, James stared at me with a pained expression "you're my husband...and I didn't know" I sobbed and he pressed his lips against my forehead "it's okay baby...you're here with me now" he said and that broke me, I couldn't hold myself up anymore I broke down in his arms clutching tightly against his chest as he held me, we were sitting on the floor, a broken mess.
"I'm sorry" he apologized over and over again "I'm so sorry Lara" he said and it hit me, I pulled away from him and looked at him as he apologized, I grabbed his hands and pressed them against my lips "we'll make this right, I promise you" the day he died, he kept apologizing, and it broke my heart, but now my heart shattered as I made the oath "we'll make it I promise" I said and he nodded as I pulled him pressing my lips onto his tasting his salty tears and mine, I climbed onto his lap and straddled my legs around him kissing him, his hands trailed down from my back to my waist pulling me close to him.
I reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head breaking the kiss for a moment before he pressed his lips back against mine again and lifted his t-shirt over my head.
His lips trailed down from my mouth to my neck kissing me eagerly and I sighed, my hands now in his hair stroking softly as he trailed kisses around my throat "I love you" he muttered against my skin "I love you" we lost our clothes "I love you" I rested my head against his "I love you" he whispered looking into my eyes "I love you" again and again and again until we were nothing more than our muttered I love yous