What Should've Been Us

Lara

Jude stared at me and I frowned "what?" I asked and she narrowed her eyes "why are you staring at me like that?!" I exclaimed and she exhaled "you should get a makeover" she said and I frowned "where the hell did that come from?!" I asked her and she just lounged on the couch with a bowl of ice cream in her lap, the kids have been asleep for a little while and the boys are having a night out.
"No offense but I think you should get a haircut maybe a change in style" she said as she proceeded to lick ice cream off her spoon "I like my hair, and my style" I argued feeling a bit offended "you think I don't look good?" I asked now looking down at my outfit, which isn't much if I'm being honest, ever since I had Sophia I stuck to pajama shorts and James's old t-shirts, at first when I used to wear them I used to seek comfort from him, any form of comfort I can get that was related to James I would seek, I wore them non-stop until my scent replaced his and the only comfort I got from the shirts was the fact that they didn't hug my growing belly as my t-shirts did, and when I wear the shirts now, it doesn't anchor me to the thought of James.
For the longest time, I thought that the pain would cripple me forever, that I won't ever get to move without feeling him all over me and my house.
Now when I look at the coffee table he left his glasses on, I see Jude's random accessories she leaves all around the house, and when I look at the hanger where his leather jacket always hung, I find Alice and Sophia's tiny coats, with time I find myself filling the gaps I thought will forever be open in my soul, Sophia filled gaps he left inside my heart only she had the ability to heal, almost a year old and she managed to do the unthinkable, I must admit, James will always have a version of me that will never stop loving him, a Lara that will never not be in love with him, there was no moving on from him, it was not a book that I could just close and put behind me, and never read again, it didn't work like that.
I didn't feel like I was the same Lara that fell in love with James, nor was I the same Lara that crippled on the floor when I heard of his death, I will forever grieve his loss and my daughter's loss of him, I just couldn't let that be all that I was, not for Sophia, not for me...and not for Arron...
And sometimes I wonder if it made me a horrible person, and lately I found myself thinking, if it did make me a horrible person then so be it.
When I first watched his video, I never imagined I'd be where I was now, I found the whole idea to be crazy and absurd, but this Lara, there was hope inside of me, and Arron was the one who planted it.

"hello...! where did you go!" Jude snapped her fingers in front of my face and I widened my eyes "shit I'm sorry I was thinking" I said and she raised her eyebrow suspiciously "so, a makeover?" she asked and I exhaled in surrender "a haircut, maybe but I won't change my hair color, you couldn't convince me in college and you sure as hell won't convince me now!" I started and she sighed in disappointment "come on!!! Don't be a prude!" she bullied me and I scoffed "says the girl who hasn't changed her hair in what? 7 years?" I asked and she acted offended with a jaw dropped and a shocked expression "Zack likes it!" she demanded and I rolled my eyes "since when do you seek male validation...?" I clicked my tongue in a teasing manner "it's like I don't even know who you even are anymore, Jude" I said in a disappointed tone and she shoved me playfully "says the girl who was caught making out on the floor like an actual teenager" she teased and I could feel my cheeks brighten up "Oh My Goodness! When are you going to drop it, it's been two months!" I said and she started to make a kissing face I almost tackled her "never!" she teased and I narrowed my eyes but Alice's cry got her to her feet almost immediately "I'm cutting your hair!" she said before she ran to where Alice was sleeping and I smiled, it was crazy how much life had changed the past year and half
I lost so much, I lost myself in the process, yet I gained so much more, I got my sister back, and she calls me on the daily now, checking in on me.
Her words of encouragement might have been why I didn't feel like the worst person ever for having some sort of feelings for Arron, that it was okay.

I got my best friend to live in the same house as me, and I didn't know how much I missed Jude until she was up my ass annoying the shit out of me.
I gotbaby Sophia, my lifeline, the reason I didn't lose myself completely, and Ihave got Arron, the person I have tried so badly to keep at arm's length who pulledme by the same arm and kept me breathing when all I wanted was to drown.
So, Iconsidered myself lucky, I did find myself, she had changed a different kind ofLara that I had to reacquaint myself with but I think she is who I was supposedto be, so maybe a haircut with this change wasn't the worst thing in the world.