Ona Aria's Poetry Collection (2022-2024)

I Want to Run

You don't know how badly I want to vanish.
Take the train to tomorrow and never return.
My muscles ache and burn at the thoughts inside of me. 
The soul of me screaming out in terror.
Of my own very error.
Why am I the way I am?
Why can't I overcome the blunders before me.
It feels like a hundred strikes of sin on my skin.
Like lighting in the sky, it strikes me with conviction.
A vixen of damnation.
 Where is my salvation?
How can I be sure I have attained it?
 Will I ever know?
Will I go through this life in the dark?
 Is that what faith is for?
I can't implore how much I feel like a mistake.
I hate the way I act the way I move and the things I say...
 Can I be different, or will I always go astray?
 Will I bend and break at the temptations before me?
 Hesitation riding through my veins.
The stain of my muck on my robes.
 I hope that cleaning me will stay.
The clouds in the sky turn grey as I am constricted and bound by negative thoughts.
 I can't seem to find my away out of the forest.
How can he see anything more in me when all I feel is like an utter mistake?
 I grovel on the things I've done the sorrow fills my bonesI can't hone it; I can't stop it.
.Dropping it into the ocean of his forgetfulness of sin, is all I want to do.
 Why do the demons taunt me?Are they allowed?
 The clouds do not fade, and I can't say anything in the midst of my panic...
 Feeling like the titanic as it's sinking below the icy surface.
I just belong in a circus. An act is all I am...
 Time and time again I let if befall meI can't recall the amount of sin that I have but it must be a mile high
 Why do I not try to overcome it?
Why do I not resist?
The list must be longer than a Walmart receipt...
My Hallmark scenes ruined by tragedy that I plant within myself.
 How do I call for help when pride is in my way,I can't say it, but my soul screams it
Can he hear the unspoken words I have trouble saying?
Braying like a donkey Is all it would sound like.
And yet the lord still cleans me and sets me at his table.
 I am able he says but how do I believe it on nights like this?
 The war is waged, and I grow tired of myself.
 The panic chokes me and makes me bend.
 Straining against the waves in my veins.
 Bashing my soul like a battering ram.
 I cannot withstand the pounding of panic.
 The static of my thoughts overwhelms me.
 The feelings taking hold, I am not deserving.
 Squirming at the thought of being loved.
 You must be lying because I don't know what you see in me.
 I'm dirty and unclean yet I am told that I can be washed but what if I go back to the dirt?
I am hurt to think I might wander back to something familiar.
 But I want to be held back and not allowed to return to my former way of living
Skimming by life and survivingWhat are these feelings inside rising like ice.
 The coldness numbing the sounds.
 The sounds that scream all night long.
How I am not enoughIs it reasonable to assume that because you hate yourself that others will too?
 I am shrewd piece of shit.
 That just won't quit bathing in despair.
 My mental health issues I fear drive people away.
 My anger making people say, "who is this woman... and why does she temper?"
 But if you knew why my soul was so angry...
You might share in its fire.
 Helping it billow higher than ever before.
 Revenge and its path have already been sought.
It's dish cold and unpleasant.
 Hesitant to try the course again
I can't pretend to act like my heart isn't wounded.
That grief has never ended even through boisterous laughter.
 The sadness creeps in my bones and it tells me to leave home and run.
 Run until my feet bleed and nothing is familiar!