Ona Aria's Poetry Collection (2022-2024)

Depersonalization Realization

Depersonalization

Realization that I am not a person but an alien.

Sometimes it feels so weird when I can feel the ends of my nerves, the feelings of my fingers moving.
Am I in control of this body I call mine?
Constantly pulled out of my mind,
 like I am watching over my shoulder.
It only worsens. commit arson on my body.
 The contortion of my personality is split apart like a tree cracked in lighting.
Its frighting how I feel so empty inside.
Every emotion crawls out of my pores like worms on a rainy day.
I am constantly on Broadway, with me in the crowd.
Acting out how to be human.
But I don't know what that is because I don't who I am.
I can't withstand the feeling of nothing, so I bleed to feel something.
 Addicted to the sadness and the pain because it reminds me that I breathe.
Beneath this shell of mine It doesn't feel like I own it.
 I can't hone the idea of being considered someone who's loved.
Because I don't know what I am.
Depersonalization feels like bones breaking as I contort and shapeshift to anything you wish me to be. I can match any personality.
But... mine. I am assigned in confinement. wearing a strait jacket built by me.
 I can't see beyond the next time that I leave my body.
Observing myself as if I am sitting in a theater.
Bloody and bruised from the number of times I have tried to stitch and sew bits of personality only to get woe in the end.
I am on a decline.
Because I don't feel like I can be what is expected of me if I don't feel like a human being.
I reckon it is only fleeting like I am astrally projecting myself from my brain.
The pain that I feel, I can feel my brain.
Its a drain and I often feel numb.
But I feel like I am speaking vain re-writing the same old pain because I can't abstain from it. Some of it healed some of it not.
This makes me want to scream bloody murder.
I don't feel heard, like I am a painting in a museum never visited.
How can people get to know me if I don't know me?
 Like I am a living ghost, not a spirit.
I can't hear it.
I can't hear her,
I can't feel the inner child.
 I tried to bring her to the present.
But she just wants to sit where she is.
I don't feel worthy to breathe.
Don't look at me like that. Like you understand.
Because you don't, no one ever will.
 That I live in a constant hell
I cannot quell the stench of decay.
But hey, don't mistake me when I say that I know that I am loved,
I know people care.
But it constantly talks to me and says nothing but lies.
 But I can't withstand it.
The mirror reflection doesn't feel, or look like me.
 I constantly forget what my image even looks like.
The fingers in my bones, the way my blood moves through my veins.
The way my eyes twitch when I look.
Constant dissociation.
Can I castrate this mental damnation? Burn it from my mind, cauterize the wounds!

Entertain a new tune.

Not just the blues.
Put some hue into my world.
Crawl out of my shell
Out of my skin Out of this human being that is full of sin.
That who I really am would crawl out of my mouth ripping apart whoever I am pretending to be.

Can't you see that I am trying to be a new creation.
But I am in hell with Satan, and he torments.
He toys like a cat with a mouse.
 He knows how weak I am to stand, but he knows the sword belongs to the one God of all.
Yahweh is ripping through the walls that I had set between me and my heart.
Cause the darkness to depart. As if I am self-destructing into a new creation.

A new life, a new name, a new way of being seeps into the cracks of mind.
It aligns with me and helps me to see.
The faith uncovers my eyes. As I am held by the most high.
My demons whisper so many things, they never take a break.
Working 60 hours a week just to torment me.
Sucking the happiness from my soul like a dementor.
Winter fills my blood as I fight to become stone cold numb.
Humming along to the tune of love.
Sometimes the shortcoming of my faith Eradicates and erases all hope to survive.
But I know that those are lies. The eyes of Yahweh are always upon me and mine.

He's never failed me, and he won't stop now.

How can I be so worthy of his grace when I don't feel deserving of his face, his gaze upon me.
Yet he looks anyways, He holds me far and free from my enemies.
The ones that want to drink my blood.
Break my bones to eat the marrow of kindness.

But every bone has been broken and every last drop drank.
This bruised heart can't take the amount of pain that must be bled.

Go ahead I say,
finish me and slay me where I stay.
I begged. But Yahweh simply invited me to his table.
Incomprehensible mercy and love were bestowed that day...
.The path of healing laid before me. At a hurried quickened pace.
I didn't wait any more seconds.
To learn from my lessons
 To this day, a very special father holds his daughter, like no other.
 ~fin~