I'm Not Who You Think

Chapter 15: what now?

Chapter 15: what now?

A week and a half.

Is all it takes,

To make a difference.

I suppose all it really takes,

is a minute,

a second.

One word.

I didn't know then,

that everything would be different.

Was I supposed to?

How are we supposed to know when things change?

I guess I'm jumping all over the place,

and it's not going to make any sense.

Nothing in life makes sense anyways.

Not to me, anyways.

I remember my sophomore English teacher telling us,

The only constant in life is change.

For some reason,

that phrase has always stuck with me.

It shows that,

no matter what--

No matter where you're at in life--

Things will always be different.

If you're at rock bottom,

You can either lie face down,

Or realize that you can only go up.

If you're at the top,

You have to realize you're going to crash.

I learned,

that I do a mixture of looking up,

but then I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to rise,

because I'm afraid of the crash.

So I lie face down.

I hate myself,

but that's already a given.

I can't think coherently,

but that's obvious, too.

My mom's started to take notice.

"Stevie," she says,

"You're awfully skinny,

Have you stopped eating again?"

She pays attention for about three days,

and apparently after that she thinks I'm magically better.

I pretend to eat for three days.

Little does she know,

that once again,

the bathroom has become my best friend after meals.

She doesn't realize this, of course.

She also doesn't notice that underneath my clothes,

there are hundreds of scars.

I've counted 113 on just one leg alone.

I should be concerned, I suppose.

But I'm not.

I realize I'm going to die anyways.

And some days,