I'm Not Who You Think

Chapter 6: How To Save a Life.

I distance myself, 

From everyone around me.  

But they don't even notice.  

It hurt not to be around people.

But then it hurt even worse that they don't notice.

***  

Finals week usually exhausts me.  

So I presume this is a good excuse.  

But the funny thing is, 

I haven't prepared myself for one single final.  

Usually I study for hours.

Always striving for perfection.

The week, 

I lock myself in my room, 

And blare my music as loud as I could.  

Every night I cry myself to sleep.  

For reasons I don't even know.  

My mom hasn't been home in over three days.  

My best friend doesn't realize I'm dying inside.  

Nobody notices I haven't eaten in another three days.  

Except Jake.  

Jake,

Who distances himself from me everyday,

more and more,

For a little over a week now.  

I know it is for my own good.

Lately, it's a battle with the mirror, 

And my own reflection makes me sick.  

I can't tell anyone though, 

Because I know what they'd say.  

They'd say, 

Smile Stevie.  

You're worth this.  

You're so beautiful.  

And everyone loves you.  

But what I don't understand, 

Is how they can lie straight to my face.  

Do they honestly not see all the fat on me? 

And what I hear constantly, 

Is shut up Stevie.  

You're worthless.  

You can't do this... 

So why even try?

I close my eyes and count to ten.  

My breaths start coming, shallow but quick.  

I bite down on my lip so hard I tasted blood.  

Thoughts have raced through my head before.

Usually they were quick,

But these seem to be going even faster.

I just want them to stop.

I want everything to stop.

Slowly I made my way to my dresser, 

Dig around in the third drawer, 

And pull out a small razor.  

One I took apart myself.