I'm Not Who You Think

Chapter 4: noticing.

Every Friday from then on, 

We all hang out at Sam's.  

Jake is there every week, 

Sometimes the rest of our group joins.  

Sometime I stay, 

But usually I leave.  

I try to give Sam her alone time with Jake.

I feel obligated.  

When a friend has the ability to help a friend--

She's supposed to, right?

But still, I am envious. I can't help it.

Every Friday I leave,

I cannot help but feel sad.

I am alone, again.

And every Friday, 

I give Jake a ride there.  

We talk music, 

But that's where the conversation usually ends.  

Sometimes I catch him looking at me, 

But mostly he catches me.  

I start to notice tiny things about him.  

And I wonder if anyone else did.

The way none of his bottom teeth show when he smiles.

Or the way he gets so lost in the music, 

It's hard to bring him back to reality.

I wondered if Sam ever notices,

How the left corner of his mouth turns up more than the right when he smiles

Does she notice? 

***  

Jake is now in my homeroom class.  

It is funny to see all the girls, 

Swoon over his accent.  

I barely even notice it these days-- 

Well, that's a lie.  

I notice it all the time, 

Along with the way he flips his hair, 

Actually twiddles his thumbs when he was nervous, 

And the way his eyes always have this weird glimmer to them.

 Whenever he's talking a passion,

He has this brightness in his eyes.

He needs to share this information with the world, 

right now.

And he wants everyone to be excited as he was. 

Is it wrong for me to notice?

**

I tug on my shirt, making sure 

The sleeves covered the entire length.  

I wince at the pain, 

Of fabric rubbing against fresh cuts.

Last night, 

After another three days 

Without eating, 

I weighed myself.  

I was still above 120, 

Which had been my goal, 

By the end of all this.