freedom ;; xdinary heroes

thirty

"Jiseok, what the fuck is going on?"

"I don't know, okay?!"

Jiseok was sobbing to himself, hands shaking with the apparent anxiety he felt. The next day had arrived, and Seungmin had yet to speak to him. Not only did his boyfriend leave him on read, but his entire grade now knew he was into guys and had been, in fact, sleeping with his partner. He got a lot of weird looks all day and Jiseok couldn't stand the eyes looking at him and managed to run away.

"I don't know what the fuck is going on!" Jiseok yelled. "Everyone knows that I've been fucking my boyfriend and somehow that's a bad thing even though I never made it public! I'm being looked down on for things I never told anyone! All because someone opened their ears a little too fucking wide!"

"How did everyone even find out?" Jooyeon asked, crossing his arms. "I mean, it's not a problem that you're out, right?"

"If someone just shut the fuck up," Jiseok muttered, wiping his eyes of any tears, "then we would've been fine right now."

"Oh, so you're blaming me?"

"Yes, I'm blaming you! You can never seem to shut the fuck up and now everyone knows!" Jiseok knew his words were harsh, but he couldn't stop. He could only see red as he pointed an accusing finger at Jooyeon. "I shouldn't have told you. You're my best friend, but what the fuck, Jooyeon?"

"I never told anyone, stop pointing fingers at me!" Jooyeon yelled. "You were the one okay with kissing other guys while you were interested in other people. It's not like I'm the bad person here!"

"I wasn't even dating Seungmin that time. But if you just kept quiet—"

"How could this have been my fault?!" Jooyeon yelled. "I never did anything wrong! Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have trusted me. Maybe I got too excited when you told me anything about your life because you have new friends now and never have time for me. You know what? Maybe you should just keep everything to yourself from now on since I'm so fucking untrustworthy!"

Jooyeon turned away, walking down the stairs away from Jiseok. The shorter boy broke down in tears, leaning against the wall as he softly sobbed to himself. He needed Seungmin by his side. But even without Jooyeon, he had no one. He was all alone. He hadn't meant to yell at Jooyeon — truthfully, it wasn't his fault. But Jiseok was so angry at that moment, he needed someone to blame.

It was a pity it had to be Jooyeon.

"Jiseok, are you okay?"

Jiseok looked up, seeing a familiar mop of blonde hair. Jungsu looked extremely worried, hurrying over to the crying boy and holding him gently. "It's so unfair, Jungsu..."

"Why, what's unfair?"

"Unfair that I keep losing people wherever I go..."

"I heard your yelling, so I quickly came over," Jungsu muttered, gently rubbing Jiseok's head. "I guess Seungmin didn't tell you, but... he came out to his mother yesterday and all hell broke loose. He told me that he doesn't want to talk to you while he's in this state of... weakness."

Jiseok sobbed into Jungsu's shoulder, hands still shaking. Jungsu led him to the staircase and he sat down on the uppermost stair, gingerly opening a water bottle Jungsu had given him. "I just keep losing everyone. First Seokwoo, then Jooyeon... now Seungmin..."

"You won't lose Seungmin, he's a fighter," Jungsu encouraged, gently rubbing Jiseok's back. "It's not the end of the world. To be fair, I'm... also a little shocked that someone like you is... sexually active. I didn't think Seungmin had it in him..."

"... what does that mean?"

"Uh... don't worry—"

"No, tell me." Jiseok turned to him, eyes red and puffy. "What do you mean he doesn't have it in him?"

Jungsu tensed a little, clasping his hands in front of him. "I don't know if you remember, but... Seungmin dated the most out of all of us. I don't know if he's been doing things with the girls he dated or not, but... he was desensitised by romance for a long time before he met you. He... finally met the one. I haven't seen him this happy in a long time. To think he had the courage to do more than kiss you says something."

Jiseok somehow felt proud. "It's just... such a pity that we don't go to the same school. I want to... keep him close by. Even I can see that he loves me a lot, and I want to protect him. He's not often emotionally vulnerable with me, even if we never had such opportunities yet, but... I heard him cry for the first time yesterday. I don't care that he's crying or 'being vulnerable' — I just need him to talk to me. To tell me what's going on and give me closure. Jungsu, I love him so much, and I need him in my life."

Jungsu nodded, gesturing to the phone in Jiseok's hand. "Then talk to him. Trust me, he needs you, too. But be cautious — he came out to his mother, and things might be tense there."

Jiseok raised his phone, unlocked it, and went to the Kakao Talk chat room with Seungmin. He pressed his number, holding the phone to his ear as the phone rang. The buzzing was almost torture — he wanted nothing more than for Seungmin to answer.

"... Jiseok..."

He held his breath for a moment. "Seungmin...!"

"Oh my God, I miss you so much."

"Then why are you ignoring me?!" Jiseok let his tears fall down his cheeks, choking out sobs as he allowed himself to break emotionally. "Seungmin, I n-need to see you. Please. I-I'll do anything to see you, please. I just... I need you right now more than anything."

"I'll make a plan, okay? Keep your hours available after school. I promise I'll see you later. Now is a... difficult time."

"D-don't you need me with you, too? Can you do this on your own?"

"I'm strong, Jiseok. She'll accept me one day. My mother hasn't been the... friendliest of people ever since I became a teenager, so I know how to deal with her. It's fine, baby. I promise. I'll reach for you when I need help, okay?"

"I want to help you..."

"How about letting me stay for the night, then? I need to get out of here."

Jiseok nodded to himself. "I'll speak with my parents. Please — stay safe, Seungmin."

"I will, love. I'll call you when I'm available, okay? I love you."

"... I love you too, Seungmin."