Red VS Blue: Agent New Mexico

32: Me, Myself, and You

Church and Tex inside Caboose's head, with mental images of Caboose, Arroyo, and Tucker.

(Mental) Caboose: I see, so you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

Church: The other? Wait you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

The mental image of Church appears behind Caboose. 

(Mental) Church: Of course, he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you skeezy douchebag fuck?!

Church: Alright, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

(Mental) Church: My name is Church, butt-wiping ass munch!

Church: (whispering to Tex) This guy is kind of an asshole.

Tex: Yeah, we've met.

(Mental) Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-licking fuck suck!

Church: Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like.

Tex: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

(Mental) Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls! (he leaves)

(Mental) Arroyo: iyay on'tday owknay atwhay ethay ellhay i'myay ayingsay! [I don't know what the hell I'm saying!]

Church: Wait a minute. That isn't Spanish, that's pig latin!

Tex: Church focus, we don't have time to fix this.

Church: Fine, whatever.

(Mental) Caboose: If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the Reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.

Church: The Reds? The reds are in here?

Cut to the real world. Grif and Donut next to the sideways Jeep.

Grif: Are you sure you left the part in there?

Donut: Hmm, think so. Wait, yes! No. Wait, wait wait wait. Mmmmmmmmm, I think so.

Grif: (sighs) Alright, let's retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?

Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe real easily, I remember thinking "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

Grif: Oh God!

Cut to Arroyo driving Sheila heading towards the red base while Tucker and Lopez run next to the tank.

Arroyo: We should be close enough now. I wonder which button are the brakes?

Sheila: Do not touch that button.

Arroyo: Huh, What about this one then?

Sheila: Do not touch me.

Arroyo: For a machine, you're so uptight.

Back to the Reds.

Grif: I cannot take any more of this.

Donut: So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

Grif: That's it! I'm committing suicide. (he runs off)

Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

Grif: (stops and looks off into the distance) Oh crap!

Pan to Lopez, Sheila, Arroyo, and Tucker approaching'. Grif quickly takes cover behind the Jeep.

Donut: Hey you're back! So where was I? Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting! (makes creeped-out noises)

Grif: Not now, rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!

Donut: What?! (he hops up and down to see over the jeep and sees Sheila approaching) Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out! (he runs around in circles)

Cut to the blues approaching

Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and you're not!

Arroyo: Shut up! It's harder than it looks! Shelia, what do I gotta do to slow you down?

Sheila: Retard the throttle.

Arroyo: What throttle? This throttle?

Sheila: Retard the controller.

Arroyo: What the hell are you talking about?! Is it this thing?!

Sheila: The controller, retard!

Arroyo: Qué diablos acabas de llamarme? [What the hell did you just call me?] (Sheila repeats the word "retard" over and over as they approach Red base) Tu solo eres una perra ahora. [You're just being a bitch now.]

Sheila: ...retard.