My Name Is Evie

Harm

TW: Suicidal ideation, self harm, intrusive thoughts

*Evie's P.O.V*

Today was just not one of my good days. It was one of the days that I just wanted to lay in bed and just rest. I wasn't tired...well I wasn't sleepy tired. I was just tired of living. Everything seemed to be too much at the moment so I curled up, letting tears fall down my face. Sometimes I had to force the tears to fall or else they just stayed in my eyes, obscuring my vision.

I quickly wiped my tears away with the back of my hand when I heard the familiar buzz coming down the hall. I had learned the different noises of their swarms and that definitely sounded like Cassandra's flies. She rarely visited me even though I had been at the manor for a few months now.

"Evie?" Cassandra's voice sounded outside my door. She never came into my room, Bela always knocked, and Daniela just came through the vents without asking.

"Yes Cassandra?" I replied, feeling incredibly sluggish as I stood up.

"You're usually up by now, are you ill?" Cassandra asked. It was sweet how concerned she could be sometimes. Other times she threatened to rip out my throat for looking at her wrong. Her mood was clearly a better one today.

"No Cassandra, I'm just tired," I forced myself to get up, knowing that her super hearing could probably hear the sound of me standing up.

"Alright," Cassandra hesitated for a moment. "You can call me Cass," she said quietly, making her voice just loud enough so that I could hear. I smiled softly as I heard her swarm away, her words bringing a sense of peace.

Peace was the only thing I could really feel besides sadness. Sure I experienced other emotions but I never could describe them. I could describe peace though, it was like a blanket that covered the loud thoughts in my mind. It muffled the thoughts for a little bit but the blanket eventually got burned away by the thoughts in my mind.

Sometimes I wished that my mind would just go silent but it never did. It was like my own mind hated me and I hated that. My mind was the worst part of me yet also the most important part of my body. A part of me wondered about that, I wondered if I could convince Mother Miranda to remove my brain?

I stripped out of my clothes, letting them fall to the floor as I headed to the shower. I turned on the water, turning the knob all the way up to right so just hot water came out. I let the water warm up as I shut the door locking it behind me.

I stepped into the shower, feeling the hot water hit my back. I hissed slightly at the heat as I stood there, letting my body adjust to the feeling of the water. My pale skin turned red under the water.

The water hurt my body with how hot it was but it was a feeling that I liked. It was an acceptable form of self harm for most people, most people didn't even think twice about it. I did though since hot showers seemed to curb my urge to harm myself.

I stood under the hot water for a while, only washing my hair and body when the water started to feel cold to me since I had gotten used to the heat. My fingers tangled in my hair as I washed it, tugging on it ever so slightly.

Once I got out of the shower, I quickly left the bathroom with my towel wrapped around me. I wasn't even dried off but I couldn't stand the thought of seeing myself in the mirror. Once I found a simple long sleeve top to wear, I paired it with a long dark skirt. I only wore skirts on my bad days since they were easy to get off when I got too overwhelmed.

I sat down at the window, staring out at the snow. The thoughts in my head seemed to pound against my brain as I covered my face with my arms, tears burning my eyes again. My hand absentmindedly reached for the blade that I kept under the window seat. It was one I had stolen within my first days of staying here.

'If you don't cut yourself then Daniela will get hurt,' one of the thoughts stuck out the most.

'That's not true,' I shook my head, my hands shaking as I brought them together. I clasped them together, hating how the thought just seemed to repeat itself once I acknowledged it.

'If you don't cut yourself then someone will break in and kill her,' the thought said, becoming more detailed. I shook my head, shaking as I reached under the window seat and grabbing the knife.

It was just a quick repetitive motion, one that was soothing. The cuts burned as they bled, the blood dripping onto my skirt as I sat there. I licked the blood of the knife, feeling the bitter taste of my own blood burn my throat.

My eyes turned to one of the tall towers that made up the Dimitrescu home. It was so high up in the air, it would be so easy to just fall from it. I could practically feel the wind, feel my body hit the ground. My hands curled up into fists, the knife clenched in my hands. It wouldn't kill me, I tried to tell myself.

'But what if it did?' My mind whispered back, a cruel reflection of how I truly felt.

It would be so easy to do, just step off. I just had to hit the ground the right way and maybe I would be gone forever. I imagined it would be peaceful, death that is. I wondered what it felt like to die and not come back ever.

I gasped when a hand touched my arm lightly, my eyes ripping themselves away from the window. I stared at Cassandra who was just standing there, staring at my arm. I pulled my sleeve down, letting the knife drop to the floor in my haste to hide the cuts. I reached down to pick it up but Cassandra put her foot over it.

"Cass," I whispered as I looked up at her.

"You wanted to feel something?" Cassandra asked.

I nodded my head after a moment, my head still rushing with horrible thoughts.

"I don't know how to help," Cassandra informed me, "I've never met someone who liked to hurt themselves." Cassandra hesitated for a moment before she kicked the knife across the floor. "Can I sit with you?" she asked.

"Yeah, that's fine," I whispered after a moment, tears of relief in my eyes as my mind finally started to quiet when she sat next to me. Her shoulder was pressed against my mind and the contact was nice. "Can you talk about something? Anything?" I asked quietly.

"Okay," Cassandra hesitated for a moment, clearly not sure what to say. "I like to play piano," she said slowly. "Mother doesn't know, I've been teaching myself. It's very hard," she stated. She seemed to relax when I didn't tell her to change the subject, my head resting on her shoulder as she rambled on about how learning piano was hard. A small smile crossed my lips as I imagined her sitting in front of the piano and practicing over and over again.

"Thank you Cass," I whispered, my voice almost inaudible. Whether she heard me or not, she continued to talk. Her hand gently resting on mine as she talked.