THE SWEETEST SIN(BxB)

58: I'm A Mess.

A/N: Mentions of drug use, alcohol consumption and transphobic remarks. Readers discretion is advised.

GAVIN.

I fucked up big time.

Messed up really badly.

I was happily in love with someone until I broke his heart. Shattered his trust. And now I have lost the only guy who has ever truly loved my shitty self.

I tried apologizing but he didn't want to forgive me. I even went on my knees and begged him, something that I have never done in my life. But still, he wouldn't forgive me. Said I didn't deserve absolution for what I had done.

He was absolutely right.

I don't deserve his forgiveness. I am the bad guy. Hurting people is what I do best. I am far too gone. No amount of love can hide the ugliness that resides within me.

Not even Carlito's love could change me. I really tried being good for him. I tried to be worthy of him. But I failed miserably. Because the darkness in me, won. The ugly parts of me that I thought were gone resurfaced and I was back to my old ways.

Without a second thought I cheated on my boyfriend. I broke him and made him cry. The look in his eyes when he found out the truth, haunts my memories. His voice breaking while he asked me why I did it, replays in my mind like an echo in a valley.

Why did I do it? Why did I fuck her? What was I thinking?

The answer to those questions is simple. I did it because I wanted to. At that time all I was thinking of was fucking her. I didn't stop to think of the consequences of my actions. Didn't think of how my actions would affect Carlito.

God I'm a fucking idiot. I'm the absolute worst. I have always been a terrible person. A bully, a narcissistic piece of shit, that's who I am. That is the real me.

So why was I trying to run away from this? Who was I trying to fool with the good guy act?

And love? It isn't for people like me. I have always known it. So why the fuck was I trying so hard to...love? When all I have known is disdain and anger?

I mean even my own mother wanted nothing to do with me. Opted to sell me to the highest bidder. Maybe she knew that I didn't deserve to be loved. It's why she did it. I am after all hard to love and easy to dislike.

I thrive in abhorrence.

All I cause is pain. Even to the people who don't deserve it. I mean look at what I did to the only boy who has ever truly loved me? I fucking broke his heart without even batting an eye.

And the title of the biggest douchebag in the history of douches goes to...me.

Cheers to losing the love of my life, to an eternity of loneliness and to hating myself for being a piece of shit.

"Fuck." I hissed after downing another shot of tequila. The liquid scalded my throat all the way to my fucking balls.

I was at a club downtown, drinking whatever I could to numb the pain. It felt like a knife was being twisted in my chest over and over, causing immense agony. Not even the strongest shot of tequila could drown the ache in my chest.

Bebe Rexha's I'm a mess was booming in the club, causing the place to vibrate as laughter and noises of excited people filled the place.

"Rough day?" Someone said. Probably a guy, based on how deep his voice was.

"None of your business." I growled then summoned the bartender. "Refill." I instructed and he nodded in response.

"Make that two." Said the stranger. "So I'm assuming your day has been shittier than mine." He started a conversation, clearly not getting the memo.