Mirror

Chapter 11

Aaliyah
Having depression is like surfing. One minute your riding a beautiful wave while the sun kisses your skin. The warmth makes everything seem like it's going to be okay.

You're riding high feeling invincible then without any warning a violent wave plunges at you from a mile away. You go from being bright and warm to freezing and dark. Your world gets thrown up side down and now your underwater and drowning.

Screaming without a sound. I've been a surfer my whole life and depression has been my deadly wave. Sometimes I want to give up and let the water burry me in the ocean of sorrows. They say the trick to survive while drowning is to make your way back to the surface but sometimes I don't feel like fighting against the harsh current.

Today is one of those days. My campus hater is fucking with me. Their hurtful comments leave invisible scars all over me. They cut deep into my insecurities. It's hard hearing someone call out all of the things you hate about yourself.

Why did God make me like this. Why wasn't I sculpted to be a Barbie doll. God gave other girls flat stomachs and pretty eyes while I'm stuck with a large muffin top and eyes the color of mud. My skin is hated by many but also by me.

It makes me look dirty and people treat me like it's something I should be ashamed of. Should I be ashamed of my African skin?

The answer is probably no but right now I'm ashamed to say yes. Boys never want the dark girl and it's even worse if she's fat. Trust me I know from experience.

Flashback:
I smell the sweet aroma of the gingerbread cookies and chocolate milk. My third grade class is decorating gingerbread men for Christmas.

I'm wearing a red schoolgirl dress with green bows holding my pigtails. My gingerbread man is dressed as Santa with the help of red and white frosting. I gave him green gumdrops for eyes and a orange one for his nose.

I'm in my own little world until I hear Devante say "Five bucks Fatty McGee eats her cookie before she gets home." The other kids laugh. One kid laughed so hard he dropped his gingerbread man on the floor. I watch as it falls.

It crashes into a million pieces so does my heart. I stay silent, praying that they would get bored of making fun of me and do something else. My prayers were never answered. They chant "Cookie monster, cookie monster, come and play, Aaliyah stuffs her face everyday."

This is were the tears come in. Tears rolling down my face I look to my teacher. She could be my saving grace and tell everyone to stop messing with me.

Instead she hums along with the kids. She doesn't dare to sing the words because that could end her career but she laughs with them. "Can I go to the bathroom please" I ask Mrs. Carson. She's a white middle aged lady with ice cold blue eyes.

"I don't care Aaliyah". I get up from my desk with all eyes on me. "With her gone the class looks slimmer and lighter already" I hear a kid say as I make my escape.

I need to get out of here now. My feet can't move fast enough. Keep going. Once I get to the stall I lock it and fall to the ground. My back sliding against the door. The tears burn my eyes. God why is this happening to me? Why didn't you make me skinny?

Why am I the fattest person in my class? I'm a defect. Everyone knows it and so do I. God must have been drunk while shaping me together. I have to go back to class soon but I can't move.

I'm stuck in every way possible. My month won't move, my legs stoped working, my arms won't push me up from the ground, my heart doesn't beat anymore.

I can taste the sea salt tears that have fallen down my face. It's bitter like my soul. The salt stings when it reaches my invisible scars.
End of flashback.