Genesis: the Beginning and the End | Band of Brothers

【Ｃｈａｐｔｅｒ ３６ － Ｗａｖｅｓ】

Chapter 36 - Waves

Oof, the air was cold.

Chilly.

Peggy shivered as the night air hit her, already beginning to feel herself sobering up.

Well that was no fun.

"So, you have fun tonight?"

Sleepily, she nodded.

Everything was starting to affect her now.

Peggy began to hum, it was a song she had danced to that night. Someone might have mentioned the name at some point, and she had a feeling the name had something to do with pearls but hadn't paid too much attention. The purpose of her evening had not been to listen, but to dance, to be Peggy.

She was tired now, but content.

"Y'know, when you smile, you're so unbelievably pretty, it's no wonder you had Tab declaring his love for you. Hell, I'll do it now! You're the most amazing woman to have ever walked the earth."

"You're drunk Luz," but still she grinned. She'd never received so many compliments in her life.

"Don't make it any less true. We're all blessed to have you here. You're like our ange-"

"Careful, you're starting to sound like a very drunk Floyd Talbert."

He laughed, and they walked on for a while. And though the dusk light was beginning to fade, and no street lamp would be lit that night, or any night until war was over, they could still see well enough to walk back. Roosting birds filled their silence as they ambled down the road, arm in arm. It was peaceful and Peggy couldn't help but smile and attempt to rest her head on Luz's shoulder. She was ready for bed now. But she'd have to change first, couldn't have the guys waking up to see her in a dress now could she?

They remained silent until the pair reached the uphill track to the farm.

"Honestly, watching you react like a virgin to Tab, whilst still somehow deflecting him was quite a sight. I've never seen a lady not leave with him!"

Peggy took her arm back from his, and just walked alongside him. Taking a moment to think, she watched Luz stuff his hands in his pockets. He'd just asked a very personal question...without asking a very personal question. Either he's actually much smarter than she gave him credit for, or an utter fool. Perhaps both. The two weren't mutually exclusive.

"I'm not a virgin."

"Aww, there's no shame in being one, no judgement here. Not from ol' George Luz."

He slung his arm around her shoulders again, but she remained stiff.

Margaret was much too sober now.

"I'm not. It's just been a long time..."

"You don't gotta be embarrassed."

"Damn it, Luz! I'm not a fucking virgin, okay? Maybe, I know it might sound strange, just maybe, I'm not looking for sex. Maybe, most people aren't! I understand it might be hard for you to understand, but at least try!"

Luz stiffly retracted his arm and stopped walking, whilst Margaret continued for a few steps. She halted and turned to face him. She could not read the look on his face. Confused, maybe? He was definitely grumbling under his breath as he pulled out a cigarette and his lighter. After taking a drag, and watching the smoke climb into the deep purple sky, he spoke.

"You said it's been a long time. I get that, the war and stuff, but now, surely you'd be looking to blow off steam."

Scrubbing a hand over her face, Margaret sighed. She didn't want to have this conversation now. Or ever, really. So, instead of answering with words, she tried a non-verbal response and turned to continue walking up the hill in the direction of the barn.

He followed. She could hear his heavy boots, hear him smoking.

"Hey, you gonna answer me or just storm off up this hi-"

"I'm not looking for a way to blow off steam. I'm not a virgin. I have had sex and am not looking to have it again, because despite what everyone else seems to think, it is not an enjoyable activity, so could you please just drop it."

Oh, how she hoped he would. And he did...well she thought he had.

"What do you mean sex isn't enjoyable?! It's...well it's sex!"

Fuck.

Why did it have to be like this? Why? Why couldn't he just accept it?!

She wanted to scream.

Instead, she stopped dead, and whirled to face him, fury beginning to sizzle just under her skin.

"You want to know why? Well I'll tell you this. It's much easier to play the part of a blushing virgin when you are a virgin."

They stood there staring at each other. Her chest was beginning to heave and the turning of the cogs in Luz's brain was deafening to her. They creaked and squealed and how they grated. But still he could not understand.

And it was so frustrating!

Why did she always have to talk? To think for everyone else? Why couldn't she just be?! Just live?!

"Fine! I don't enjoy sex because the last person I slept with was a fucking Nazi. I had to sleep with a Nazi for information, for my country! A sacrifice I never wanted to make!" Her breathing was ragged and eyes brimming with tears. She could see no longer. Peggy hated this. All of this. But still she felt she must go on. There was no point stopping now and she was too tired to even contemplate consequences now.

"I had to give my virginity to that vile man, to flirt and smile and kiss him, lay there most nights letting him fuck me and pretend to enjoy it so I could get the information I needed! Because I feel disgusting and dirty every single day, but no amount of scrubbing makes it go away. I hate myself everyday but that still isn't enough! I was beaten within an inch of my life by the people I was trying to liberate because I let a Nazi fuck me! So I'm sorry if I don't enjoy sex!"

There.

She'd done it.

It was all laid bare for Luz to see.

Just how she felt. Just how she was. Everything.

No more could she hide.

And now that she'd said it out loud. It was real. All of it.

The loathing always came in waves and this was a tidal wave, unstoppable and massive, more destructive than any before.

Run.

Yes.

Leave.

So she did

It was all Margaret could do now. She'd revealed something she'd been trying to deny herself, didn't want to admit to herself. Something that just thinking about it made her feel nauseated.

Run.

It was all she could do.

Margaret left Luz standing there, on that hill. She walked to the very top, and looked back at Luz. He couldn't see the tears. The heartbreak. The sickness. The pain. He couldn't see how she shook.

She walked as quickly as her legs would go before breaking out into a run.

She ran into the barn and stripped, before pulling on her fatigues. Then she shoved her dress in her footlocker to deal with later, hid her shoes under her bed and pulled the covers way over her head, where she curled up and sobbed.

They wracked through her and she couldn't stop them.

The sobs shattered the silence of the barn.

When Luz made it to the barn, it was almost quiet.

And he sat on the bed next to hers, and watched her sleep, wondering if she'd forgive him.

"I didn't know," he whispered, "and I can't imagine what it feels like. I'm sorry."

_

This was not a fun one, and if I remember rightly (I wrote this a year ago) I had to actually take a short break after this, I felt bad for hurting her like I did and had a short spell of writer's block to top it all off...