The Heart Exchange (bnha agere)

Chapter 8: Boys

Cws: dysphoria, gender envy
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  Physical training class is not inherently a bad experience for Bakugo. He adores the chance to show off in front of everyone - especially his boyfriend - and it's important for his future career path. The aspect of the class they don't like is the preparation and aftermath; the changing room experience.
  Since joining UA, Katsuki has changed in a cramped, single-stalled toilet next to the locker room, purely to avoid the eyes of his fellow male classmates. None of them are aware of him, and his binder, voice training, baggy clothes, and general trying-my-best brand of masculinity. Because Katsuki made sure nobody would know about his transgender identity. It felt too risky, too scary, and too personal to share. They knew their boyfriend would probably be okay with it as Kirishima had hardly questioned Bakugo's preference of using both masculine and neutral pronouns, "he" and "they", but the nervousness was always there.

  Katsuki poked his head into the locker room, now wearing his hero suit. He always got changed quickly. Todoroki combed through his hair, and Izuku rattled on about something about hero culture from beside him. Iida is in the middle of cleaning his glasses, and a meter or so behind him, Katsuki spots their boyfriend.
  Eijirou is fiddling with his headpiece, double checking it looks exactly how it's supposed to. Bakugo knows he shouldn't, but he finds himself inspecting all of Kiri's features. His sharp jaw, his broad shoulders, his flat fucking chest. It wasn't just that Eijirou is attractive, that's one thing, and it's not what forces Bakugo into a self-hatred spiral. What hurts the most is the feeling that Kirishima is real. He is a real boy, and no matter how hard he tries, Katsuki will never, ever be like the rest of them. Their stomach knots, and they let their eyes drop to the floor. They'll never look like that. They'll never be satisfied with how they look. That's the hardest part.

  Bakugo catches sight of himself in the mirror. All of the imperfections, the feminine traits are highlighted now, and make him grimace. Soft jaw, missing Adam's apple, no natural flat chest, hips, hips…
  "Uh, hello, you're kind of blocking the doorway." Izuku's face appears in front of them. They roll their eyes and let him pass. Nothing is fair. He got screwed over without reason, huh? Great, that's just amazing. Katsuki sighs, and exits the locker room of envy, trailing after Izuku.

 
  After training was over, Katsuki changed back into his uniform, and abandoned the toilet. Kirishima is standing outside, checking through his bag. He's waiting for Bakugo, probably to berate him for the events of yesterday. Katsuki's face feels warm, and he quietly walks backwards down the hallway whilst Eijirou remains distracted. Katsuki is not having that conversation, and they're not going to Chemistry either. Instead, they're crashing in the quiet room.
  Their crying fit from last night left them dipping in and out of sleep. And now, especially after physical training, Katsuki is trying their best not to fall asleep standing.
  Opening the door, he's glad to find the room empty. Katsuki tosses his bag on the floor, and settles on the beanbag. Part of him still hates that Eijirou left him by himself, but he's painfully aware of how weird and annoying he was acting. Of course, their boyfriend didn't want to deal with a literal child. But at the same time, it hurts. Because all Bakugo really wants is for Eijirou to understand him - everything about him.

  Bakugo curls up on the beanbag and shuts his eyes, listening to the muffled noise of students passing down the hallway. The world is so big, and there are so many people. There are so many men, and it's too bad he'll never look like them - not really. Not in his eyes. "Mm, 's dumb." He mumbles to himself, finger finding its way to his lips. He's tired, and it's happening again.
  And beginning to feel childish, he wants a nap. His phone buzzes a few times. They crack their eyes open and read the messages:

Redriot<3: im in class where are you?? Please don't be skipping again

Redriot<3: are you in the quiet room?

Redriot<3: text me back later, we need to talk

  That final message sends a wave of nausea through Bakugo's stomach. Talk about what, exactly? This is it, Kirishima is going to break up with him. They switch off their phone without replying. The bad thoughts start swirling and bubbling and it makes Katsuki positively ill. It's not childish thoughts. It's the really, really bad thoughts - ones Bakugo thought he had managed to escape. They dig their nails into their sleeves, and bolt their eyes shut again. No more thinking about that. He sticks his finger in his mouth and relaxes into the beanbag.

  When Kirishima opens the door to the quiet room, he's mostly unsurprised to see his boyfriend asleep on one of the beanbags, finger in his mouth. Katsuki had adorned some terrible eye bags, and Eijirou had noticed him losing momentum during training. Kirishima sets his bag down, and sits next to them. He observes them sleeping peacefully for a moment. They deserve it, poor thing. Eijirou still holds guilt for disappearing in the middle of yesterday's shenanigans. Later that night as he walked to the bathroom, he could hear Bakugo crying.
  Though, they'd devoted the time to contemplating, and feverishly searched up something about childish actions and its correlation with stress. He was only a toe deep into the research, but he was planning on discussing matters with Katsuki themselves.

  "Mm?" The blonde sniffs, Eijirou shaking him slightly to break him out of his dream. "Did I…"
  Eijirou nods, "Yes, you fell asleep in here." He says. Bakugo stretches, sitting up. He won't meet Kiri's eyes.
  "I… We need to talk about something. About yesterday, and… You know." Eijirou says, taking Bakugo's hand. He's tried to find the most effective, least offensive way to talk about this, but even now, it sounds wrong. Bakugo pulls his hand away.
  "Okay." He mutters. His eyes wander.
  "I've noticed you've been acting a lot like a child lately. Like, literally like a child." Eijirou starts. Bakugo doesn't respond so he continues. "And it's a bit concerning but… It might not be a bad thing. And I love you, and I want to try and make you feel comfortable to express your emotions."

  Bakugo suddenly frowns, hands becoming fists. "I can already express my fucking emotions, Kiri." He hisses. Eijirou shakes his head, and rests his hand on his boyfriend's leg.
  "Not really. You cried last night, but it was real." Eijirou sighs. "You acted in a way I don't usually get to see. You like to pretend things don't bother you but I know they do."
  Bakugo yawned, and brushed Kirishima's hand from his leg.
  "It's embarrassing." He eventually says. "And it's called age regression. I just… Fuck, I don't know, helps me not do really shitty stuff."
  Eijirou didn't understand what that "shitty stuff" could be. Blowing up at people? Throwing things? Kirishima wasn't too sure, but this was a confirmation of what he'd thought; that the mindset was a good place for Bakugo to be when they were getting emotional and panicky.
  "That's a good thing." Eijirou explains. "Baby, I'm trying to figure this out. I'm not mad it's showing up again. I remember you acting similar a while after you got in that hostage situation with the League Of Villains." Katsuki seemed to wince at its mention, and allowed Kirishima's hand to link with his.

  "Listen, next time you start feeling that way, come to me, and I'll make sure you don't get yourself in any unnecessary trouble, alright, dude?" Eijirou said. Katsuki nodded, their hand squeezing Kirishima's tightly.
  "Okay, whatever." He mutters. "Don't get pissed when I push your buttons then." Kiri smiles, and pecks them on the cheek. Bakugo underestimated how stubborn Kiri's optimism was.
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A/N: Dysphoria is rough, sending love to all the trans folk, y'all got this. Besides that, geez I'm tired. I usually write chapters in a single session but I swear this took three days to write