𝙨𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣'𝙨 𝙨𝙪𝙣

𝒇𝒊𝒇𝒕𝒚 𝒕𝒘𝒐

Saturn
• • •

At the age of sixteen, I began to have recurring nightmares of my mother's death. From the very day I found out what had happened to her, to a year after the fact I dreamt of my rickety old home burning to the ground, Nova and I burning with it. I could never feel any pain in the dream, just an overwhelming sense of dread.

Tonight, it happened for the first time in two years.

The pungent scent of smoke awoke me in Calvin's room. Suddenly, I was completely alert. I scanned the room for him, but found no trace. Realization struck me, he had been out with his friends the past evening in the village. I stood from the bed, wondering if I should go join him. When I tried the door, however, I found it to be sealed shut.

"Fuck," I muttered, having adopted Calvin's language. I went back to bed, taking out my phone to see if he had messaged. When I found nothing, I let out a sigh of disappointment. Why wasn't Calvin home yet? The clock on my phone said it was nearly three in the morning. He would never typically go out at all, let alone stay out this late.

Suddenly, the room seemed to tremble. I watched with horror as the walls began to melt away slowly. Thick, hot smoke crawled in through the gaps, closely followed by a swarm of flames. I choked on the smoke as I tried to come up with an escape route. It was no use, the flames had me trapped in their cage. I tried to shout for help, but no sound escaped my lips. It would have been to no avail anyway, the rest of the building had already evacuated. I could hear them shouting at me through the melting walls.

They chanted my name relentlessly, driving me mad in my final moments of life as the flames began to consume me. Saturn, hurry! Saturn, you'll die! Don't give in, Saturn.

Saturn, Saturn, Saturn.

"Saturn."

Suddenly, I awoke with a start, in reality, this time. Was this reality? I hoped so because the one who had woken had been Calvin.

"Are you alright?" he asked hurriedly, his hand on my chest as I caught my breath. I couldn't answer. Instead, I buried my face in Calvin's chest. It was starting to register that the fire had merely been in my imagination, meaning that the nightmare was haunting me once more.

"Hey, you're okay," Calvin murmured, rubbing my back as I began to tremble, "I'm right here. You're safe."

Tears leaked from my eyes as I recalled the many instances of the nightmare in my past. Waking up screaming with no one but the cat to comfort me. At least I had Calvin now.

"Did you have a bad dream?" he asked softly. I nodded. He held me closer, and I felt a bit more relaxed.

"It wasn't real, my love," Calvin assured me, "take a breath."

Although I recognized it as a nightmare, my dreams always felt so real. I could never truly trust my subconscious, so determining what was real and what was an illusion was a difficult feat. This had happened to be a nightmare, but it was much more real than I wanted to admit. My mother had been in almost exact circumstances at the time of her death. Sorrow filled my heart as I recalled how awful it was to leave the Earth at the hand of fire. My mother deserved a quiet, quick ending, quite the opposite of what fate had dealt to her.

As my breathing began to slow to its normal pace, Calvin only grew more and more concerned for me. He traced anxious circles on the bare skin of my back. I began to do the same on his arms. He must have enjoyed it, as I heard his heartbeat begin to slow against my ear.

"What time is it?" I murmured.

Calvin checked his phone. "Nearly five."

I sighed, sitting up next to him and wiping away the few tears I had released. "I'm not going back to sleep," I said decidedly.

"Yes you are," Calvin argued, "come on, lay down."

"No," I shook my head stubbornly, "you can sleep. Don't let me stop you."

Calvin frowned. "Can we talk about this nightmare of yours?" he asked softly.

It took several moments for me to find the words to explain it to him. "I've had the same one before," I said softly, "I used to have them every night, for a year. It's always the same, I wake up just like I would if it were real. When I try to leave the room, the door is locked, and then the walls start to cave in. It takes me a moment to realize that the building is on fire, and I eventually burn with it. Just like my Mom."

I had barely finished explaining when Calvin drew me into his arms. It was such a tragic story, but I was numb to it by now. Yes, it had been alarming to relive the nightmare after so many years, but it was much worse knowing that my mother had actually experienced it. Still, there was nothing I could do now. She was gone, and I would spend every day for the rest of my life wishing I had stopped her from going to work on the morning of June the sixth.

"I am so sorry your grief is still haunting you, Saturn," Calvin said softly, keeping me locked in the safety of his arms, "I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing someone so important and in such an awful way."

I shrugged. "I've come to terms with it by now," I said, "there's nothing I can do to change the past. I can only improve the future, and make sure my Mom would be proud."

"I am sure she would be beyond proud of you, my love," Calvin said, "I know I am. You've gone through so much this year alone, moving to a new country, mending your past with your brother. Overcoming obstacles with me."

I laid my head on his shoulder. "I think she would like you," I said softly, "actually, I know she would like you. She would love you, in fact. She always wanted me to be with someone who would accept me for everything that I am. With someone who would take a bullet for me."

Calvin pressed a long kiss to my neck. "I'm sure she was lovely, darling," he said, "and I'm glad you think she'd approve of me. I will try to be better for you every day, with her wishes in mind."

"Thank you," I whispered, finally feeling like myself again. Calvin's eyes had begun to flicker as our conversation neared a close. I could tell he needed a few more hours of sleep. I laid down with him, hoping to get some reading in once he drifted off.

"Promise me you'll try and get some rest, Saturn," Calvin murmured, running his fingers through my hair.

"I'll try," I said softly, "you can sleep. I'll be okay here with you."

"I know you will be, sweetheart," Calvin said, "but I'd like you to try."

"Okay," I agreed. By "try" I was going to lay on Calvin's chest until he drifted off, and then get up and find my book.

Calvin's hand stopped playing with my hair and rested on the back of my head. "Goodnight, my Saturn."

"Goodnight, Cal."