after it all {kokichi angst}

V

umm.... idk sorry i really want to delete and restart this, but.. ill probably just try and change the story a bit?? sorry, HELP ☠️

☆kokichi pov☆

the day was over before i knew it, i guess thats a cool thing about everything being the same, it ends before anythings even allowed to happen. i pushed myself out of my seat and started to walk home, didnt really make a difference, ive never been good at cleaning, im a lump of flesh and bones that sits and takes up space, i talk to people, make them happy or sad, then i go, thats how its always been, no changes ever, even after the killing game, i go to school, either i talk to people or i dont, it doesnt really matter. ive never really wanted to die, i just wanted a break from cycles, danganronpa interrupted that cycle for a bit but it was horrible to go through. i guess the only reason i dont want to die is because i dont want others to die, not that i think someone like maki would actually get upset by it, but i mean miu, kaede, shuichi and maybe even rantaro, i doubt theyd kill themselves but theres always a chance, plus i dont want to interrupt their cycles of life, it sounds cringe i know but im sure you understand.

once i got home i layed down and slept, i didnt bother taking off anything, my clothes basically acted as pajamas, disgustingly large, i knew i was thin and underweight but it didnt feel that way, it just felt wrong to call myself that?? whatever its not a big deal anyway, i started hearing a faint buzzing from beside me, my phone was ringing, i opened my bag and answered, it was shuichi, i liked that he cared for me, it made me feel safer, but he was a little too caring, i could never have personal space when hes around "hey koki- ouma, sorry, anyway hey um you didnt attend cleaning time, is everything okay?" he asked, i hated how he figured out things so quickly, more then i did "yea um im just a bit tired i guess" i sighed, wasnt entirely a lie, "oh.. okay!! well go get some rest if u want i can come over later or something? is that cool?", i groaned at his request(?) "yea sure whatever, bye." i hung up, i knew that was mean but i didnt care, i was just tired, i dropped my phone on my bedside table and fell asleep, i was woken up by another buzzing from my phone, it was shuichi again, i didnt get enough time to answer it before it disappeared. "4 missed calls & 3 text messages from saihara" the phone screen read, it took me a few minutes to process since i was just woken up and it was a bright light shining straight into my eyes, i got another call and almost instantly answered, shuichi again "hey ouma, its 7pm, can i come over for a bit? my uncle isnt home so im bored.", i sighed and agreed before hanging up again, i went downstairs to go get dinner.

after i ate (anorexics eat? who wouldve known), shuichi knocked at the door and i let him in, we went up to my room and started watching tv before we both fell asleep, i guess it was a sleepover?.. we both woke up around the same time, i went to my bathroom while he stayed in the room, i didnt do anything there i just sat and stared at the window for a few minutes before walking out again "so what do you wanna do today?" i asked while plastering that horrible childish smile on my face "oh um, we- i, sorry, i can eat breakfast and we could go to the city maybe?" he smiled after his suggestion, i stayed quiet but nodded, i guess it was nice he didnt force me to eat, he ate some toast  as we got ready, i forgot to brush my teeth and hair, fuck.

we caught a bus to the main city, it was fun, tall buildings, i mean i guess this gave me something to do so i didnt rot in bed the whole weekend, thanks shuichi, i smiled to myself before shuichi lightly shoved me because i wasnt responding "so wanna get food or a drink? i dont mind" he smiled softly, i nodded "i can try eating...?" i mumbled just loud enough for him to hear, he nodded and i dragged him to a takeout food place "order for me, peasant!" i playfully demanded, shuichi rolled his eyes and ordered for me, we got our food and i dragged him to an almost empty park, we ate in.. mostly silence "hey, im sorry" i sighed, shuichi said something i couldnt hear because he had a face full of food, he swallowed his food and repeated his sentence "huh, what for? you didnt do anything" he spoke softly "i dont know i just, ive been wasting your time so you can hangout with me, and i just.. repeat the same actions and similar sentences, whats so fun about me i dont get it, was this a dare? why wont you just leave me alone" i genuinely thought this, i knew shuichi wouldnt do a dare like that but it just felt... off for him to like me??? shuichi put his fork down and sighed "well i guess.. ive always found you interesting, you dont hurt people... physically.. for the sake of it and you dont change your personality so others like you, you're just you, and i like that i guess" he gave a warm smile again, i nodded, it was a genuine answer and it made my heart sting, i didnt like having someone to care for me, it just gave them another worry, he finished his food and i gave up on eating mine, we left and walked around city. for a bit until 6pm, we caught a train back to my place and shuichi left, i didnt hate him but it kind of made me a bit relieved, i understood why though.

once he left i went up the stairs, changed and went to sleep, i woke up at 2:03am from a nightmare, ive been having them a lot, i dont usually wake up from them but when i do its so fucking annoying, i sighed and went onto my phone, there wasnt really anything interesting i could see online, everythings just been getting boring or mentally painful?.. i guess i dont know. ever since school started things have been more difficult for me, gosh i hated thinking like this, i shook my head to stop thinking and put some clothes on, baggy sweatpants and a hoodie, i decided to go on a walk around the neighborhood, it was dark and quiet, i guess it was kind of nice to walk and not be shoved or yelled at. i went back home a few hours later and got my school bag and left, i didnt bother changing, we didnt even have uniform anymore, the principal thought of them as "too expensive and draining teenagers creativity" so theres no point in changing out of clean clothes.

end
well this was something ☠️... damn i wish i could
go for walks at 2am when im bored</3
words: 1243