after it all {kokichi angst}

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i woke up again, at 5 in the morning. i tried going back to sleep but i felt anxious about something and i didnt know what, i got up again and changed my clothes, dropping the other ones onto the floor. i walked out of my room with my phone and my bag and walked to the gas station again, i got myself a black coffee before sitting on the ground leaning against the front of the gas station, i took out my phone and started to look at pictures online of people i wished i looked like, i groaned with annoyance and turned the phone off.

it was turning into winter so i noticed my breath was visible in the air, i stared at the fog until i fell asleep again, i woke up dazed and confused until i realised i was literally outside of a gas station, i quickly checked my bag to make sure nothing was  stolen, luckily nothing was. i checked the time, 6:53am, i had school in half an hour so i started walking there, i missed the bus already. i made it to school at 7:23, i went to my desk so i could be in class early and laid my head on the desk, i heard a painfully loud noise in my ear, causing me to sit up, unfortunately the bell had rang and it was class time. the whole class was boring, kaede and shuichi kept talking to each other so i had nobody to talk to.

the bell rang and i got my stuff, and walked to behind the school again, i sat down for awhile before i felt something on my head, i looked up, it was snowing. i got up and walked inside the building, i hated the snow. i was inside and i saw kaede and shuichi talking again, for some reason seeing them together made my heart ache, did i like kaede? i dont think so, and i didnt THINK i liked guys. i guess i was just jealous over their friendship, i keep ruining mine. the two walked over to me and we talked for a bit before miu appeared and dragged kaede away, again. "hey kokichi, are you okay?" he looked at me, i nodded, he sighed and walked away, i had annoyed him, again.

i walked into the 3rd floor bathroom, not many people used it until lunch, since all the classes were on the 2nd and 1st floor. i sat on the floor in a stall and started quietly crying, until i heard footsteps, i stayed quiet for awhile until i heard shuichi "kokichi are you in here?" he called, i stayed quiet, i heard his steps fade away so i could start crying again until i heard them run back in "i heard that, i don't know if you're kokichi or someone else but please come out", i stayed silent, again. class time bell rang again so i waited until i heard him leave - a few minutes later i left too.

it was pe class, i hated pe. i changed into a white shirt and blue shorts, we didnt have an actual uniform except for gym clothes. i stared into the mirror for awhile, i hated my body, i walked out the changing rooms and stood in a group with kaito, maki, kaede and shuichi, the three of them were talking but the whole time they were looking at my legs, arms and collar bones "hey kokichi! can i talk to you..... alone?" kaede asked as she walked towards me, she looked back at the others with a slightly angered look?? i nodded and we walked to the corner of the gymnasium, "so um.. i know people arent really meant to say this stuff but.. are you okay?? i mean with like your legs, they're so... thin" she said, she gave an anxious look as if she didnt know if that was okay to say, i didnt know what to say, i just stayed silent "....im sorry for mentioning it, forget i said this okay?" she smiled gently, i nodded and we walked back to the others, before the gym teacher blew a whistle for our attention.

the teacher seperated us all into random groups of 3.. or tried to;

kaito, kaede and rantaro

miu, tsumugi and himiko

tenko, gonta and kirumi

maki, kiibo, angie

kokichi and shuichi

me and shuichi walked over to a weight bench, we didnt do anything we just sat down, we both stayed silent. shuichi let out a small sigh and started to speak "hey kokichi, how are you?" he smiled, "im good... you??", shuichi frowned at my answer "worried for you, ill talk about it at cleaning time, dont think about it too much." he tensed up, hoping i wouldnt get upset. i nodded and we stayed silent before the teacher came over "hey! you guys gonna use this or not?? dont sit on it if you're not using it. get up" she demanded, "ah sorry miss.." shuichi muttered. we stood up and walked to a regular bench so we couldnt get yelled at. we still didnt talk but atleast he wasnt mad at me. i leaned my head against the wall and started to fall asleep. my neck started to hurt so i moved my head to the nearest thing.. shuichis shoulder. we stayed like that for a little before the teacher blew the whistle again, alarming me so i jolted up. "alright you kids arent doing anything and the tracks full with snow so you guys cant run. i want you all to set up the net and play volleyball for the rest of the lesson". shuichi and i groaned as we stood up, we walked to a side of the net after it was set up with 5 others who were gonna be on our team.

kokichi, shuichi, kaede, kirumi, kaito, maki and tsumugi

miu, rantaro, angie, himiko, tenko, gonta and kiibo

we played for a bit before i walked to the corner and stood there, shuichi walking over shortly after me. "jeez whyd they have to choose this out of everything??" i spoke rudely, "right, hey kokichi, um do you have water? i didnt bring mine" shuichi paused in the middle of the sentences to catch his breath, 10 minutes in and he was out of breath already, i nodded and passed him the water. he drank some then i drank some after him. we went back to the game before the bell rang again, of course we lost, they had gonta on their team. shuichi and i walked to the boys changing room and got changed.

we got our bags and went to our classrooms for cleaning time. shuichi and i cleaned before he closed the door and looked at me. "you remember what i said earlier right?? about how ill talk to you later", i nodded and shuichi started speaking again "whats wrong?? you clearly dont eat  - i mean your knees, elbows and collarbones basically poke out!!" he whisper-yelled with a concerned look. "i dont know, i just.. forget it okay im fine, im alive, i played a sport im not that weak yet, ill be fine stop worrying.. please??" i sighed. shuichi leaned his broom against the wall and walked to me, giving me a hug. "i know somethings wrong, im here for you, please tell me", he backed away from the hug, waiting for my response - i didnt say anything i just gave him a sad stare, he nodded and got our bags, handing me mine, "lets just go." he sighed in a defeated tone.

end
words: 1280
so sorry for not posting!! i started school again
so ive been super busy, ill try uploading more!!