Broken :: R.S.L - au {ON HOLD}

003

As the school day had met its end, I couldn't feel anymore happier. I felt the joy and nervousness fill my veins as I stepped onto the pavement that held my car in the distant parking spot of my own.

I breathed out a happy sigh, and for the first time in a while, I actually had no care in the world. Even my appearance didn't matter, even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with my appearance.

I had a petite figure that most girls dream of having, but it's those little insecurities that make people doubt themselves. And for me, I was filled with insecurities.

But today was different. It was like, I was going to do something extraordinary. But I was not extraordinary, however. I was the ordinary. So feeling like I'd doing something out of the ordinary made me feel happy, I guess. . ?

As I got into my car, (it wasn't a 1978 Cherry Chevrolet like Hayley's - but gosh, I wish I had that car) the radio blared some song that was not in my recognition. Nonetheless, I turned the radio up and had my own little jam session.

As I continued down the road, something caught my eye. I didn't know if it were the blonde wisps of hair that curled up at the end, or the sparkling of his pearly teeth, but my gaze travelled over to Ross. I stopped my car, almost as if my body was taking control and I had no power over anything in my reach.

"Oh, hey, Starr," Ross smiled, jogging over to my car.

"Hello," I greeted. "You wanted me to come over today?" I asked, still sitting in my little car.

"Yeah, pull up in my driveway and you can come inside," Ross insisted, motioning toward his house.

I liked the look of Ross' house. It wasn't very big; it was cute, though. It was a two story, gray coloured house that stood just below the trees that showered the place in a comforting shade.

As I stepped out of my mustang, which wasn't a newer model, Ross motioned me inside with his head.

On the inside of his house was a cute den, that had people - I'm guess his siblings - lounging about the tiny room. As we stood in the foyer, Ross grabbed my hand and started to pull me toward a hallway. I flinched before snatching my hand away.

His sympathetic eyes glimpsed at my blue pair and he licked his chapped lips. "Right, sorry," he stammered.

Something about the way Ross was acting made me think differently in his appearance. I mean, at school, he was a jerk and a player that didn't care about what he did or who knew about it. It was like, he softened up a bit.

Ross and I reached his bedroom. There were two full sized beds, posters aligning the white walls and names above the two beds in red tape.

"Yeah, I share a room with my brother," Ross informed, shuffling over to a drawer and taking out a pack of Marlboro Red cigarettes and taking one out of it.

After watching his every move, he offered me one but I rejected it. I didn't smoke, I didn't do much of anything but read and stalk other people on social networks.

Ross took a long toke of the cigarette, blowing the smoke out of the open window after a couple of seconds.

"Doesn't that kill you?" I asked, absentmindedly.

"Yeah, but I have a theory," Ross replied, taking another long drag of the tiny filter.

"Which is?" I prompted, wanting to get more in debt of this conversation.

"Life kills us slowly everyday, and one day we're all just going to croak. Some people are going to get out of high school and do things with their lives. Like you, you probably want to be a nurse, a lawyer, or the president. And you've got the potential to do those types of jobs. For me? Nah. I feel that life screws me over enough as it is, I'm just waiting for it to kill me." Ross' words made sense to me, but I didn't agree with him.

We sat around for a little bit in silence. It wasn't a deafening, uncomfortable silence. It was a comforting silence. The only sound that was made was the chirps that the birds made as they met their mates.

As I stared at the birds, I thought to myself what it would be like to fly. I mean, when you fly, you're free. And right now, I felt as if I were in a prison. I was trapped in my own personal, subtitled monologue - a narrator predicting my life, and I had no control of his words because someone was writing my story for me.

For the past eighteen years of my life, I've been letting life do whatever it wanted to with me. I was letting others control my actions. For what reason, fear.

I feared the obvious. The world. But as I've grown into this world and let it mold inside of me, I've learned that the superstitions that got in my way were nonsense. Fear is superstition itself, so fearing something was archaic.

I wanted to live like Ross. I wanted to be carefree and live on the edge. I wanted to smoke cigarettes and offer random strangers one and then come out and explain why I smoked when they asked. I wanted to make absolute sense of a life that I wasn't living. That's who I wanted to me.

I didn't just want to be Starr Johnson that had a purpose but I hadn't figured out yet. I wanted to be Starr Johnson, the girl that everyone knew my name and I wouldn't be scared they hated me.

I didn't want to be broken up into little shards of my life that was too hard to clean up. I didn't want to live off the edge and fear what the outcomes of life would be if I lived on the what if's of life.

"You're right," I agreed with him after a while. Ross looked at me from the corner of his eyes and I saw him smirk.

I liked to see him smirk, even though I still did not particularly like him. And right now, I was still confused as to why I was trapped inside this tiny living space because it would be rude to just get up and leave all of a sudden.

I wasn't a rude person, actually. I keep to myself, so people find me stuck-up; when in reality, I'm isolated.

People don't understand my obsession with isolation. My life has always been about me not opening up to anyone, because trust was an issue for me. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't trust anyone because I've never gotten close enough to allow myself to open up to them with all of my secrets. Sure, Hayley's my best friend, but she doesn't understand.

No one knows my secrets. No one knows about the demons that haunt me just as soon as I get a little fixed. No one does.

But for some reason; some reason that didn't come to my mind in this present time. For some reason, this blonde, muscular figure made me doubt anything I had ever thought about my life.