"It has been four months, Ray," he sees concern in Greta's eyes, and he dodges eye contact with her.
"It has only been four months."
He feels pitiful. He has not shaved for two months. Although his heard has only grown an inch long, his neighbors are starting to get worried about him.
"And, by the way, so what if I have not shaved for awhile? Do I look awful now?"
Greta certainly did not find Ray less handsome. "I never said that. We just never saw you with facial hair. And have you forgotten about what happened last time? You almost died, I was the one who heard you first. I called everyone."
The memory is vivid to him. He could remember seeing her face on the window. When he was allowed to go home after being hospitalized, he sent them gifts for saving his life.
"I've never thought you were suicidal," she muttered under her breath.
This is what Ray hates the most after what happened. Each of his neighbors are only thinking the same thing; that he had planned to kill himself that day. This made him angry at himself. He hated showing vulnerability. He wanted to change their thoughts about what happened to him, but he knows that no matter how often he denies what they accuse him of, they would not change their minds.
"Can I come in?" the woman asked.
Suddenly, he felt defensive. He had not cleaned that much. His clothes are all over the living room. Although he ate, he only did it for the sake of doing it. His sleeping patterns had not been fixed since Bernie's departure. The bags under his eyes had started to darken, too, and Greta is observant enough to notice that.
"You have not been sleeping well, have you?" she asked.
Ray shook his head no, and she nodded. "I know you're depressed," she said. "I was once like you, too."
Greta went to tell the story about her life when she was in her youthful years. She was only eighteen when she married her first husband. She would not have married him had she not gotten pregnant. To her delight, her family was not mad, but they kept pressuring her to marry him.
"In the 70s, it did not matter how old you got pregnant," she said. "The girls were getting pregnant at a young age, too."
Her first baby was a stillborn. She had just graduated from high school, and was fully expecting to be a mother. Her first child's death inspired her to do better in school, and she was able to finish university.
"I didn't think I'd be able to do it, we were dirt poor." Ray could see the wisdom she has collected over the years in her eyes.
They were only in their 30s when Greta's first husband died of a mysterious disease. "It sent me to a downward spiral," she said. "It has been three decades. And I'm still not over it," her voice almost croaked while saying the last words.
He does not frequently talk to Greta, but over the years, they have become acquaintances. She is an intelligent, experienced woman — he can tell. Before the incident, she had subtly expressed interest in developing a friendship with Ray, but he has respectfully and subtly dismissed it overtime. There were times when she would ask for his help inside the house; he would tell her that he was busy, but he would call a professional to fix it for her. And he paid for it. One time, she was sick with flu. Although he wanted to care for her, he did not do it, and instead sent her medicine and food. She was thankful for his gestures.
====================
"I had no choice, and I was concerned for you. I was trying to lessen your load," Laura said, defending herself. Ray has decided to come back to work.
"No, you did not do it out of concern."
When Laura saw her in his office, she was excited to tell him about what had happened when he was gone. Everything that Ray was not able to do was transferred to Laura, and she took responsibility. She received praise from Olga, she liked how Laura works.
"Then what would the reason be?"
Ray did not want to say it, but he knew he had to. "I know secretly want to take over me someday," he honestly said. He knows saying this will make her furious, and she would deny it. "I know you have the potential."
He knew, though, that she would never do it purposefully. She will wait for him to retire, and she will take his position. This does not offend Ray at all, and he had expected for this happen.
"That is not true, like at all."
"I'm not saying that you're betraying me. I'm just saying that you're slowly training yourself to learn what I do, and I just want to hear it from you."
Laura's expression had changed from confusion to sadness and disappointment. "I have not earned your trust at all. Have I?" Her eyes tell that she yearned for his adoration over the long time they had worked together.
"Of course I trust you, Laura." Ray assured her.
"No, I don't think so."
"Why are we even having this conversation?" His voice has raised a bit, although he tries his best to remain calm. He has failed. "I've had enough! These past few months have been the worst. Are you seriously trying to provoke me now?"
"I've never provoked you. At least, intentionally."
"This is what I have always hated to happen. You're always like that," he stood still, and looked at her in the eye. "You're headstrong, you never admit to anything, you're always so defensive, you fight with everyone around you. I've never felt that you respected me." He has felt that way for a long time, but he did not know how tell her, or whether it is worth telling her.
"You know I've always respected you." Laura said, calmly. He could see sincerity in her eyes, and he knows that she does respect him, in so many ways. She's just not the type to show it.
Ray walked out of his office and walked around the building. He only stopped when he felt tired. He sat for awhile, and watched people come and go. Do these people live lives as arduous as the one he lives everyday?
Or do they wake up each morning, with smiles on their faces, and get on with their days as smoothly as possible? These thoughts preoccupied him for awhile. He thinks, and thinks, until he could feel his mind going numb.
When he was younger, whenever he was stressed, he would go by a little place on the other side of his town to unwind. The place was left untouched by the people living around it. He used to feed the ducks with bread. They loved it; they would come near him whenever he'd show himself. Today, instead of feeding the ducks, he just decided to walk around. A small lake is located in the middle area. Sometimes he would dip his feet in the water. Oftentimes, he would just watch the lilies. Ducks were not the only animals he saw by the lake. He would also always see birds sitting atop the tree branches. They hummed their own tunes, and he had become familiar with them.
