Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
SAYA & JAKE ──────────── ' the feeling's mutual '
—WHEN SAYA WAS 14, her sister had gifted her a journal. It was small and didn't fully bend at the spine, but Saya turned to the brown leather sleeve and unlined pages every time she was overcome with emotions she needed to expel.
Only about a fifth of the book had been filled in the three years she's possessed it. It wasn't often that Saya fished it from the depths of her nightstand drawer, but when she did, the pages would be tattooed in black ink within seconds.
Saya never struggled to put her feelings into words; the second her pen hit the book, it wouldn't stop. That fact lead her to puzzlement as she sat at her desk, journal open in front of her, pen in hand, thoughts in head, but not a word on the page. She chose to blame it on the late— or more accurately, early— hour of that Monday morning.
The last entry she'd written sat on the left page, staring up at her in mockery. The sentences flaunted their conciseness and fluidity, how easily they populated the paper, how perfectly put together each line was— Saya wished her feelings now were as clear as they were nine months ago, back when she'd written on that page.
But the right page she was tethered to laid untouched. For ten minutes, Saya had only teased the journal with feathery touches as she hovered the pen over the paper, but not once did the two materials make contact.
No matter how resistant her brain was to writing the entry, Saya couldn't put the notebook away. She had to write something.
"Just put the damn pen on the paper, Saya." With that little bit of pep-talk, Saya started writing whatever word popped into her head, no matter how many phrases she had to cross out or how many times she contradicted herself.
June 3rd, 2019
Blah blah blah. Feelings are weird I'm going to throw myself out of this window. I'm being dramatic. I'm like full of emotions and stuff but I'm not sure what emotions they are or why they're there and this has never happened before and I'm confused what do I do.
I don't even know when this all started. On Saturday? I think so. I think when I woke up on Saturday my brain was mush and my insides were twisted. I thought it was just the leftovers I had Friday night but now I'm pretty sure those sensations weren't from old chicken.
I don't want to say it cause then I'll sound crazy but I think we're way past that. I don't even want to write it. I know myself, though. That's the thing. If it wasn't true then I wouldn't even be thinking it.
Did I even really like Nick? I don't know what love is if I'm being completely honest. What did I feel with him? I don't know. Validation? Truthfully, I think that was it. Because these uncomfortable feelings I've been having didn't come from him, I know that. This never happened when I was with him.
