on the next spring | ✓

19

Spring Snow - 10 cm

I dug on the hole, trying to figure out how deep we put the box before. Silly enough, I was nervous at the thought of digging a hole in front of her. Did I look sloppy? Did my sweat overflowed from my back? Did I look good wiping those sweats off my forehead? Those silly questions filled inside of my head as the hole grew deeper and I finally felt something hard at the tip of the shovel.

"IT'S HERE IT'S HERE!" And I found it really cute that without any context, the girl came running to me the moment I yelled out. She crouched down next to me, as I carefully reached for the box, settling on the grass and placed the box on my thighs. I then took off my scarf, placed them on the grass and patted the scarf, signalling for her to sit on it. She hesitated, but then I pulled the card. "I won't show it to you if you don't sit." 

And just like that, she quickly sat on my scarf, almost tumbling from the weight of her jacket. I chuckled and slowly open the lid. Smile formed across my lips as my eyes catched two letters inside, a few polaroids and a necklace. I didn't remember it was there at the first place. 

I took the purple letter, it was mine. The one I wrote without thinking much. I didn't even remember what did I write. I knew we wouldn't come. But silly me, this time around I was the one who suggested us to come here. I opened the letter, and a single line caught my eyes. 

I thought it was nothing. But my eyes sting. I stared at the single line for minutes. 

I want to be able to think of you more than just a mere stranger.

Was what I wrote. The thing I wrote without thinking much, but it held all of the emotion I had today. And if I had a last opportunity to just barge in my mind from the last spring, I would just tell him that

She's the centre of your world.

I shook my thoughts away as I reached for the polaroid. 

And I was strucked to my toe. Those polaroids are filled with me. My back, me from the sport day that I was forced to attend, me when I wasn't looking. It was just me. There wasn't any trace of her. 

All this long, when I wasn't looking, she was looking at me.

And she was now staring at me, too. When I was busy reading the letter and flipping through the polaroid, she was still looking at me.

Disease or not, she was always looking at me. 

I turned to her, smiled and caressed her hair. 

I was looking at her too. 

I reached for her letter in a pink paper. I was nervous, and so I held her hand in mine. She was confused, but did nothing to shook my hands off her. I unfolded the letter, and skimmed through her neat handwriting. She wrote to herself.

And then again, tears rolled down my cheeks. 

hey, its me

i had lots of things to say to youth, to the me of the future. to you, who might be crying or laughing right now, to you, who hold my future. I wasn't expecting much from you. we're sick. i figured, i was just trying to brush the thought off. but when it kick in, please don't get mad. don't be frustrated, for it is inevitable. cherish your moment, i very much want to hold it close in my mind. as i'm writing now, i'm not in my right mind, almost as if i'm tipsy but i never drink. 

hey, i think i like him. that boy who was supposed to be a strictly company for skipping class, had became a huge part of my life. and that isn't good. if i could turn back the clock, i would undo the day we met. i wouldn't care leaving anyone behind. but leaving him left me with nothing to rely on.

so if you had the courage to, unfall. that boy had lots coming for him, whilst you don't have any.

and if you're the one who unfold this letter, little sprout, don't fall for me. 

And by the end of the letter, I chuckled with my face soaked in tears. 'Don't fall for me'. I did, idiot. I even broke my leg on the way. Now I didn't even know how to walked away and 'unfall' the way she instructed herself to do. I looked at her, and I burst into tears, half crying half laughing, as the girl just looked at me with wide eyes. 

Under the same tree, in winter, unlike the promise we made, I found myself crying for the first time over how stupid and blurred I was. 

I wished I had known how I felt earlier. 

Just a day earlier.

That was when I felt a gentle hand patting my shoulder, and it was her. She was crouching in front of me and her eyes told me she was confused as to why I was releasing liquid out of my eyes. I smiled, and held her hand that was busy patting me, gripping it gently. "Do you remember, we promised to come here on spring?" 

She was quiet. 

"You don't, right? But we did promise to do so." I inhaled. "But I bring you in winter because-" 

We were silent. 

"I won't be here on spring."

One second. 

Two seconds. 

Her lips slightly twitched, her eyes winced. 

"I had family matters to settle in Japan. I, would be away by spring. So I couldn't fulfill our promise. But I very much want to come here with you." 

"For once in my life, I really want to be here while I like you."

She sat on the bare grass, her face didn't change, but her hand flattened and escaped my grip. 

"Lee."

"I like you."

Silent.

"I like you."

Still no respond.

"I want to repeat them again, so I like you."

Suddenly, I felt like my whole world differed from the reality I used to lived in. She gripped my arm, and opened her mouth, muttering something I actually wished I could hear from her. 

"....o." I couldn't hear her, and so she tried again.

"....go." 

The last time, I could hear her voice, something I longed for everyday. 

"Don't go."

Was she really talking to me? I stared at her for a solid two minutes, meeting her desperate gaze. I held her hand that was gripping on my arms, took it away from my arm and caressed it. "I'll be back. I promise. Spring is all it take." 

She was still giving me the look, and I was swayed. But I could do nothing. The flight was tonight.

"Lee."

She didn't say anything in respond.

"I wish to spend my next spring with you too."