on the next spring | ✓

17

Lean On My Shoulder - 10 cm

10.00 pm, autumn in 1997

"Please... Remember me." 

I had read the scrapbook for over twenty times, I read the scrapbook for her everyday, but I still had tears in my eyes when I read the last line. I wiped them off my face and proceed to look at her, who was still all ear. Her gaze met mine, and we stared at each other for a solid two minutes. I forgot how did it feel to not flutter over a mere stare by her. I held my breathe longer than I expected. 

I broke the eye contact and reached for my bag, which I had placed on the table earlier. I rummaged through the first compartment and pulled out a stem of flower. 

A pink carnation. 

Her face lit up as she looked at me with eyes shining bright as ever. I smiled to myself. She smiled. She smiled because of something I did. Those little achievements had been filling my days from time to time. Before I realized, I woke up every morning with the determination to make her smile.

"I wanted to give you this flower a long time ago. But I guess... That wasn't my day." I held myself from shutting my eyes closed, on attempt to shooed the memories away. The day that was supposed to be a perfect day to find her smile again was ruined. But it was not her fault. It was just really not my day. 

And so I wanted to make everyday a perfect day for her. 

She excitedly took the flower from me. Upon realising her rather rash action, she shyly bowed to me while tucking her hair behind her ears. 

I bit my lips, innerself fanboying hard over her. 

Why was she so dear to me?

"I... Want to remember you." She softly muttered under her breathe, while observing the flower, twirling the stem back and forth. I caught that and my eyes found her countenance right away. "Hm?" 

"Pink carnation. It's meaning." She muttered again, meeting gazes with mine. I scooted closer to her, smile still attached on my lips. That was the very first time she had ever told me the meaning of the flower, which I had been longing to know. 

"Can you tell me about it?" I asked her gently, ready to listen. 

She shot me a look. "Ignorant."

Upon hearing her, I burst out laughing. It had been a long time since she said anything like that to me. I missed the times where we used to teased and made fun of each other. But this very little moment made me incredibly happy. She was still her, and would always be her. I rested my hand on my palms, on which my elbow stood on the bed. "Yes, I'm ignorant. So tell me."

She smiled and opened her mouth. "Pink carnation indicates... Concept of never forgetting someone. I... Want to remember you. Sort of. Like that." She told me. "It was like... When someone give it to you they're like... Want to remember you? Uh, like you're important. I like it, I... I really love pink carnation and the reason is... Uh, the meaning. I.. Love it."

I watched as she talked and talked, it was the longest paragraph she had uttered for almost six months. Before I knew, my eyes were filled with warm liquids, waiting for its turn to slide down my cheeks. 

I want to remember you. 

Was something I held on to.

She then looked at me, whose face was soaked in tears. The girl was rather shocked to see me in the condition, but I was busy looking at her. Staring at her like she was the centre of the universe had been my things. I had gotten used to it. 

"Why... Are you, crying?" She asked, rather panicked. 

I smiled, wiping the tears away while shooking my head in reassurance. "No. You're..." I paused. Then I looked at her again, with the same gaze I had gave her everyday. "You're beautiful." I wasn't lying. That ego I held for four years, denying the fact that she was indeed beautiful had long gone.

"Thank you." 

I lifted my chin, eyes darted to her face, eyebrows furrowed. Signalling her that I didn't have any clue as to why I was thanked. She smiled and shyly curled her fingers. "For reading to me. I... I liked the story." 

That was the best praise I had ever got. I smiled to her and muttered under my breathe, so that she couldn't hear me. "I liked the original version better than anything." 

There was this urge inside of me that was fighting its way out of me. I looked at her who was still staring at her finger nails, unsure as to how I should put it into words. Or did I even need to say it? I contemplated, hesitated, almost cancelled the word at the tip of my tongue before brushing out of all the thoughts. 

Screw it.

"I'm sure you won't remember this by the next day, so I'm gonna say it. Screw it." I started. She turned to me, eyes meeting mine. As much as I was nervous, I had no desire to look back and reflect on what I was gonna utter next. I'd just let them out. 

"Hey, I think I like you."

There was a moment of silence between us. Somehow, I managed to look in her eyes while maintaining my breath. She was stunned and stiff on the bed, as her eyes blankly stared at me. I gathered my thoughts, inhaling as many oxygen as I could passed my throat. "And I think I like you too much that I wouldn't be able to get attached to anyone else -"

Our eyes met as I was just about to continue with my words. Her eyes was sparkling, but it wasn't because of the excitement, but she was crying. 

The girl, who hadn't been showing much emotion after her disease kicked in, was crying. Her eyes was still on mine, one thing that changed, though, was the fact that it was now wet with warm fluids. When my eyes laid on her tears, I teared up too. The beads ran down my cheeks, and so I wiped it off my face. I swear I wasn't planning on shedding any tears today, I wasn't planning to be pathetic in front of her. 

But confessing to her under this circumstances wasn't something I was proud of. 

"- I wouldn't be able to get attached to anyone else, for my mind is filled with you alone." I wrapped them up when I cried in front of her. I was trying to hold them in, but I couldn't. I felt her gentle hands caressing my hair, soothing me down. I felt a bead of tears on my hair. To think that it was hers broke me into pieces. 

I looked up to her, forcing my lips to form a smile for the sake of her. For the sake of her who was looking at me with eyes filled with clear liquids. For the sake of her who was still all ear on everything I had to say. 

"And I don't care. I don't care if I need to introduce myself to you over and over again just to get you to know me and for you to like me." I reached for the scrapbook, waved it in front of her, and we both chuckled. 

"I'd remind you of me every single day, until your stupid disease got tired of me and actually give in. I'd remind you of me to the point you'd wait for me to introduce myself again to you everyday." Slowly, I took her hand. It was the very first time I had ever touched her other than sole purpose of helping. I looked at her hand, like it was the most precious thing I had ever laid my eyes on. 

"Lee." I called her. She didn't answer me, she didn't even look at me. Unlike everyday, she would respond to the name, but now she didn't. She stared blankly at her bedsheet, while tears were still streaming down her pale cheeks. 

I looked at her, smiling along with tears that was running down my face, trying to contain any emotion I had in. 

"Let's be... Together tomorrow too."

She looked up, her eyes met mine. I smiled and once again open my mouth. "Next spring." Was what I said. She was rather confused. I was pretty sure she didn't even remember the promise we made under the tree on the last spring. I took it for granted, I didn't even take the promise seriously. But I found myself helding on to that one promise more than I had ever been. 

"Let's meet again at the frontgate on the next spring. Let's open the box on the next spring."