Even In The Grave, All Is Not Lost

The Calm Before

A/N: This note was meant to go in the last chapter but I forgot to include it

One of the things I've really struggled with when writing this fic is the immensity of Luna's grief. The sheer enormity of her loss. Especially since the ways in which all that loss has taken place is horrific. Sometimes it'll just hit me like a freight train. Honestly It's a wonder Luna is coping at all. So it is something I keep coming back to when writing. Because if I'm unable to put it out of my mind and keep getting bogged down by it, then you can be certain that Luna would struggle to as well. It's definitely difficult writing what is essentially a love story in the midst of so much tragedy and trauma. But that's also my favorite kind of love story to write lol

This is going to sound odd, but one of the things I love about Luna and her character is that she did kill her brother. When faced with sparing his life or saving herself she chose to save herself. And I love this because Luna is a good person. Like she's not bad, she's not evil and yet she didn't do what would be deemed as the good thing, the right thing - sacrificing herself for someone else. But the reality is that many good people wouldn't do this. Many good people would cave to their survival instinct in a situation of life and death. And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I don't think it makes a person bad if they're not self-sacrificing to the point of giving up their own life. That they do put themselves first sometimes. I think it's incredibly realistic and I love that Luna gets to embody this.

And Luna may see it as evidence of her darkness but I see it as evidence of her humanity. Luna is so . . . human. And I love that about her.

And I think that 'selfish' survival instinct is the trait that Luna condemns most in herself - and others. I think she has a lot of hatred and disgust for it. And she sees it as the root cause of all the darkness in the world. She never would have been trained as a novitiate and forced to fight in that conclave if not for her people's desperation to survive.

Which of course factors into her ultimate decision to effectively take away everyone's ability to do just that.

I mean survivor's guilt is such a huge, horrible thing and that's Luna's character. It's such an integral part of her character and story arc. From killing her brother to losing her clan to being what she thinks is the last nightblood to Nyko's death to facing a future where she thinks she's going to be the last person on earth. Every character on the 100 deals with survivor's guilt but Luna really embodies it.

 . . .

"It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after."
― Madeline Miller, The Song of Achilles

. . .

Luna's fingers were slack around the music box in her lap, the impression of the wood barely touching her senses.

She'd intended to put it on the pyre. With Adria. To give it up to the fire.

But. . .

It was almost dawn and the smoke from the pyres was growing thinner and thinner, weaker. The smell had clung to the air all night, almost thick enough to choke, occasionally making her eyes water, but now she breathed fresh air.

It should have been a relief.

It wasn't.

That smell was all that was left of Adria. That smoke. Luna could scarcely wrap her mind around the fact that all that remained of the child she'd loved was disappearing in the breeze. The wind had turned violent in the night, seizing all ash where it rested and carrying it into the sky. At one point, she thought some may even have landed in her hair, on her skin. . .