Even In The Grave, All Is Not Lost

I Am Haunted By Waters

A/N: Thanks guys for your lovely comments and letting me know you're still reading. I've been going through a rough patch anxiety and depression wise, so I've been having a lot of insecurity around my writing. I hope you're all doing well :)

. . .

"Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.

I am haunted by waters."

― Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through it and Other Stories

. . .

"So, I had a question," Raven started, eyes cautious, and Luna sensed that she wasn't oblivious to her darkened mood. A pang of guilt hit her. She had meant for this day to be an escape, a distraction from the stress and fears their lives were so embroiled in. She'd wanted to give Raven something else to think about, to remind her that there was still life operating outside the walls of the lab, even if it was close to ending.

(had wanted to remind herself of that too)

And she'd wanted to share some of her world with Raven.

Before it disappeared.

Luna forced a smile, hoping to put the other woman at ease. "Go ahead."

Raven deliberated a moment. "Why are all your Commanders so young?"

The Grounder could tell it wasn't the question she'd originally intended to ask but she wouldn't call attention to that. If the question had related to what happened in the river, to Luna's emotional distress, then she was thankful for the reprieve. It wasn't a conversation she wanted to have right now. She was still coming to terms with that new aspect of herself, and needed more time with it before she could even begin the journey of sharing it with others.

"We have a sharp turn around," Luna answered.

Unintended or not, the question wasn't a complete surprise. Ever since learning of her Conclave, such inquiries had been unceasing and she sensed that it was a constant struggle for Raven not to blurt them out all at once. She was curious by nature.

Luna liked that.

She had been curious too, once. Before she'd discovered more of the world than she could bear.

"We can't afford to wait for nightbloods to reach adulthood when the average life expectancy of a Commander after ascension is six to ten years. Rarely more." Lexa had served longer than six, had fallen months short of making it to ten. That she had survived that long, though, made her one of the more fortunate Commanders. If survival in such capacity could ever be considered fortunate. "If Ontari had ever fully ascended, though, she would have gone down as the shortest-serving Commander in history."

Raven scowled. "Would serve her right." At Luna's almost scolding look, "What? She was a bitch. I never met the chick but I've heard more than enough shit. She killed a bunch of kids for Christ's sake."

"Which would make her no different than any other Commander." Lexa had killed six children. Luna only one. At least, during her Conclave. Before then. . .

She wondered whether Raven's heart would fill with contempt for her, too, if she ever came to know of all the blood that coated her hands, whether she would turn away. Luna was no less deserving of her scorn than Ontari.

It was true that the other nightblood had acted without honor but what did that really matter when, in the end, the result was the same?

Luna couldn't judge her any more than she could judge herself.