Guilty

Zane

All day my mind can't stop wandering back to Juliette. I'm almost positive she was having a panic attack, again. I didn't know she suffered from any anxiety disorders. I think she just panics herself to a point where she gets in a state she can't calm down again.

She doesn't want me to know that she has them, apparently somewhat frequently, for reasons I can't understand. It's not off-putting at all, just slightly concerning. Besides, when we do eventually get together there's some pretty heinous stuff I'll have to confess to her that she'll need to come to terms with so the least I can do is accept her anxiety.

It's almost midnight and I'm sitting at my desk reading about how to help someone who's having a panic attack. There are a lot of useful websites on tricks on how to stop them and how to notice one's coming.

I suppose I have to start carrying lavender with me since it's calming for people. Scent can do a lot for a person. I spin around on my chair and glance at Bacon who is sitting on my bed, sleeping.

"Are you allergic to lavender? Because I'm about to mass order some for my girl and I'd hate for you to be allergic or something."

Bacon opens one eye at me but doesn't answer, or snort. I sigh and turn back to my computer to google it when my phone starts buzzing next to me. I look over at it and pick up immediately when I see my brother's name lighting up the screen.

James.

"Are you okay?" I ask immediately. Holding my breath, I wait for my little brother's response.

"Yeah I'm okay, promise," James says, his voice hushed. My nerves quiet down a little bit and I try my best to joke about it. "What are you doing up so late?" I ask, pretending to be pissed.

"Well I figured out my screen time password," James says quietly down the phone.

"What was it?" I ask him, curiously.

"Jesus," James says and I start laughing immediately.

"That's what Dad picked? Wow okay," I say, still laughing my ass off. Our dad was pretty awful but I could admit his faith was admirable. I wish I believed in something as wholeheartedly as he did. Even though I'm sure somewhere in the bible it advises against terrorising your children, and he chose to ignore that passage.

"Did you know I won the spelling bee again? I asked Dad to tell you," James says excitedly.

My chest swells with pride, "Yeah he did, I'm so damn proud of you James. You're doing great kid," I tell him.

Truth was I never pick up Dad's calls, so no I hadn't heard. And I was mad about it, why did choosing not to engage with him mean I had to miss out on important events like my little brother's achievements?

"Thanks, Zane, hey will you be coming down for Christmas?"

"Fuck yeah, I am, kid."

"Hey, don't swear," he says quickly.

I smile, "You're right I'm sorry don't repeat that word especially not in front of Dad ever."

"He'd send me to Father Pavil," James says laughing and I feel my eye twitch.

"You aren't seeing him regularly are you?"

"No I'm not, Dad says only bad kids have to see Father Pavil," James tells me and I clench my fists and try not to get worked up.

"Dad's an idiot and he doesn't know what he's saying. If you ever get sent to him you call me okay? I mean it James call me."

"You're just mad because you were the bad kids who got sent to him," My brother says laughing.

I shut my eyes for a second. I was a decent kid, I just talked back to my dad every time. My punishment was getting sent to the local priest Father Pavil. He believed the best way to atone for sins was to be beaten with a belt.

And whenever I'd come home with fresh bruises or cut marks where the metal part of his belt had bitten into my skin my father would always nod like some justice had been served. I only kept my mouth shut to save my mother the heartache, she never had any idea.

"Yeah, I'm biased. You like church?" I ask him, switching the subject of our conversation before I blow a fuse.

"Church is church, I want to believe in God just not sure I do," James says.

I snort a little, "You sound like Juliette,"

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"Not yet," I say looking out of my window. I will make her my wife, I'll swear it to any God.

"Juliette is the pretty one with the green eyes, isn't she? We saw her on your first day," James says I can hear the smile in his voice.

I can't help smiling either, as I often do when thinking about Juliette, "Yeah you met her at the induction table. She was wearing a yellow sundress. She called you cute and she called me an ass because I cut in line."

Slight overreaction.

"Don't tell anyone else that, you sound like a stalker knowing every detail," James says, giggling to himself.

I cough, slightly embarrassed. "Get to bed James a ten-year-old needs a full ten hours and put your phone back so dad doesn't flip out,"

"Night, love you or whatever," He says.

"Love you too, or whatever," I say back and hang up.

I toss my phone on my nightstand and crash on my bed, scaring Bacon.

****************************************************************************************

I'm walking into the campus coffee shop when a familiar redhead walks up to me. She smiles at me like she's the embodiment of sunshine.

Or maybe the face of a veneer campaign.

"Hey, you! Following me?" Everleigh asks me, her smile almost glittering. She puts her hand on my arm to laugh with me and I feel bad I physically recoil from her touch.

It's just instinct to run from the touch of a woman if I don't want to hook up with her. I ought to do something about that little problem though.

"I..go to school ten minutes from here. You go to the school over two hours away..." I say, trailing off as I give her a weird look.

Why the hell was she here?

"You got me, I was looking for you," She says, smiling again.

"You drove almost three hours to see me?" I ask her, baffled.

She nods enthusiastically, "Yeah. I can't stop thinking about you from the party. You are just...gorgeous. So I was wondering if you wanted to get drinks with me?"

"I have a girlfriend, and aren't you with Jack?"

"I'm not with him, he's my stepbrother," She says, frowning.

Oh, my good actual God. I feel like I'm briefly having a stroke and an aneurysm all at once. As I process her words.

"Whose your girlfriend?" She asks me, completely glossing over the fact she likes to tongue her stepbrother at parties.

"Juliette Castalia, she was with me at the party," I say, with a smile. I love to lie about this type of shit. It's like a dopamine hit.

Everleigh nods like she understands me and then says, "Look I wouldn't tell her...if you were concerned."

"I was not."

"Okay...but I'm saying we could keep this from her."

"No my girl's crazy, she'd find out and kill us both," I say, dryly.

"...Oh."

"Well I have to get to class so I'll see you around," I say speed walking away from her. I didn't even need a coffee that badly anyway. I'll have to find some energy for the day from the depths of my soul.

I get into my car and go for a drive to process the appalling information I learned. I drive past a church on the corner and almost stop my car in the middle of the road when I see Juliette walk inside.

I smile and look for a place for me to park.