Guilty

Juliette

I wake this morning to feel like someone is taking an axe to my forehead over and over again. I stiffle a groan and roll over on my side, risking opening my eyes might lead to me throwing up or maybe just passing out again. 

My arm flings to the side and I frown, feeling cool silk over my body. I was fairly certain my bedsheets were cotton not a soft silk material. I turn my face into the pillow and breath in the soft scent of cinnamon and something so...familiar. 

I open my eyes and audibly gasp when I realise I'm not in my bed or my own room at all. But rather in a hotel room, in a random bed. I look down and realise I'm in my underwear from the night before with a large navy t shirt that stops just above my knees. 

The door to my right opens slowly and I stare in shock when Zane strolls out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel, his wet hair hangs in messy curls and I watch a couple of beads of water glide down his chest. 

Still looks like he's been lovingly crafted by a God, I spy a tattoo on his ribs that I hadn't noticed before. It's some words, but I can't read them from how far away I am. Well, that and the fact my hangover is slowing down my cognitive abilities. 

"Morning trouble, how's the hangover?" Zane asks, he speaks in a quiet tone so as not to make my headache worse. My mouth dries as I blink at him. How did I get here? 

And then a bombardment of memories ear my brain as flashes of the night before attack me. Images of me half naked on a pole, Zane carrying me down and me saying far too much to him assault my mind. 

"How did I...get here? Did we um..." I say, my voice is soft. 

"You were drunk, I couldn't get you home so I brought you here to sleep, that's all," He tells me, walking back into the bathroom to put some product in his hair as I try not to scream. 

"Thank you for that," I say, glancing in the mirror to my right and wincing. There's mascara smudged under my eyes and my hair is a tousled mess. I've looked worse I suppose, but it seems a little unfair he gets to talk to me looking like he just stepped out of a painting and I have to speak to him while looking like a hooker for hire. 

Zane emerges from that bathroom a few minutes later, fully dressed in some grey tracksuits and a black compression shirt that makes his arms bulge. I swallow dryly and keep my eyes trained on the floor, "Thanks again, for even thinking of coming to get me." 

"I'm never not thinking of you, Juliette," Zane tells me. He says it so simply, like it's just a fact. A mere statistic, nothing serious or even important. 

"I said some things last night if you remember..." I say, trailing off as I look up at him. Zane stares back at me, calmly. Almost as if this whole discussion unphased him, whereas my heart is racing so badly in my chest I'm worried I might have a small heart attack. 

"I remember," He confirms. My stomach sank, nothing I said was a lie. I did love him, I think I knew I did from the moment I saw him outside the florists, but it wasn't a feeling I could just succumb to. I was still so angry with him, the cuts he had left on my heart hadn't healed. I was fairly certain he was the only one who could fix them but Zane refused to believe they were even there. 

"When you said you loved me for the first time, everything stopped," I tell him, forcing my eyes to remain on his, "And it never started again, all these years later I've been stuck in that place never able to fully move on or leave or heal. I'm fairly certain it's because to move on I have to entirely let you go and I don't want to. But staying in that place means being stuck with the betrayal and the pain and the hurt you caused me." 

Zane closes his eyes, unable to look at me. He shakes his head, "Juliette-" 

"I know why you took my choice from me, I know why you believe you did the right thing. But you weren't doing right by me, only by you. Time needs to start moving again for me Zane, but it can't if I hold onto the past." I say, getting up from the bed. He doesn't speak or move to stop me as I grab my things and walk out of the hotel. 

*******************************************************************************

I stand still looking at Emery's wedding venue, it's a huge historical building that looks over a beautiful lake, the sun sets painting the sky in a beautiful array of oranges and reds. I watch it silently, excited for tomorrow's wedding. 

Emery stands next to me, watching the sunset. Her face is set and her eyes seem a little dull. Not filled with the usual sparkle she carries in them. 

"Everything okay, Em?" I ask her, softly. 

She smiles, looking at me, "Just nervous, no one talks about how daunting weddings can be." 

I laugh, pulling her into a tight hug. My best friend can be anxious sometimes, often getting into her head about things that truly weren't so scary. She just needed a full night's sleep and then she would be the bubbling bride she had been this entire engagement. 

"Prince charming's here," Emery whispered, pulling back from me. I turned around to where she was looking to see Zane standing on top of the hill. His gaze focused on the two of us. My heart raced and I bit my lip, not knowing what to do. 

I hadn't seen Zane at all in the two days since I had walked out of his hotel room, I thought that was the final ending for the two of us. But, perhaps it wasn't. 

"Fight for the fairytale, Juliette, it does exist," Emery says, squeezing my hand before walking off and leaving me alone. 

Zane walks down the hill and stands in front of me, two or three feet away. I clench my hands at my side. My resolve was wearing thin. 

"We're having this out," he says, his voice laced with emotion.

My hair begins to smack my cheeks as the wind picks up, and clouds are forming over my head erasing the beautiful sunset from the sky. I hope this isn't nature warning me. 

"We've had it out," I tell him, my chest rising and falling in uneven breaths. 

"No, we have not," Zane says, shaking his head. Tears prick at my eyes as I take a step back. 

"Why can't you just leave well enough alone?" I ask him, my voice is ragged with emotion and he smiles at me. 

"I didn't want to fall in love or need someone. I really didn't want anything, but then you appeared and I started wanting everything. You saved me Juliete, without even realising it. You saved me from that chaos and the darkness I was drowning in all those years ago. Just the mere sight of you, the possibility of being yours kept me going and anchored me through it all. And then I had you, and you were better than my most imaginative daydreams. And I let you down," Zane says, walking closer to me. His voice cracks as he speaks, holding back years of pent-up feelings. 

My chest tightens at his words, as he says the things every little girl dreams of being told. Except, it wasn't a dream. It was real.

"I was selfish that day, I took choices from you, I didn't bother explaining any of it to you and I'm sorry. Juliette, I swear to you, I'm sorry. I was cruel when I should have been kind and I pushed you away when you needed to be held. And I know it's an impossible ask but when times start to pick up again, will you move on from the hurt and the pain with me? Because if I did anything right in my life it was when I gave my heart to you nine years ago." He says, standing right in front of me. 

And all of the cuts on my heart heal and mend. 

"I'll never finish falling in love with you, will I?" I say, looking up at him. 

"God, I hope not," Zane replies, holding his breath. 

"I forgive you, I swear it," I tell him, wrapping my arms around him. Zane pressed his lips to mine and I kissed him. 

"You are my once in a lifetime, Juliette," Zane whispered against my mouth. 

And suddenly, time moved on again.