Why I HATE the Color GREEN.

'What's wrong with my life?' {C.3}

At this point in the book your probably wondering, what's wrong with my life?

... And to that? I say,   
                                               I can't say.
Maybe the transphobia? The way my father doesn't accept it? The way my family hates my new name? I don't know.

                                    I decided not to care about what they said. I tried not to care, though I know deep down inside my heart I did care. I cared a lot.
      I wanted to cry each time one of my family members said "Kayla" or "Michaela" to me. I ignored it though.

                           Sorry, I'm rambling. Anyways,

Let me just warn you though, things are just getting started. After this? Ohoho.. Things will get awful.
The pain,
       The tears,
The sadness,
The betrayal,
The trying not to care,
The loss,
The fear,
                      The trouble,

                                               And?

THE HATRID FOR THE COLOR GREEN.

                             You see, I haven't always hated the color green. The color green reminded me of the silly fun parts of life. Like drinking the small sip of Mountain Dew your dad let you take a sip of when your mom didn't know about, the green water balloons that people knew to leave in the green bucket in summer for you to use, the lime green of Beetlejuice's hair, the green beetles I would crush when I was younger at my grandma's house, the green lights that would flash into my eyes at a concert, smelling green Jiffy markers, pretending I'm gonna have the PERFECT time finishing an essay with my green pens, the green nail polish I would almost spill all over the floor at my house, those green blocks I've had since I was little, the green on my doll babies crib, those green "bendy" pencils that when I bent them they broke instead of actually bending, my little cousin making me watch kid shows with her on her iPad that had a green case! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles coming to my house for my third birthday, me and my cousin trying to find a four leaf clover in all of the three leaf ones, my green Beetlejuice wig with the weird "creepy" hair lips in it, both of my dogs old blanket on the floor in my parents room, the green streamers I got from Beetlejuice, Anne Boleyn's costume in SIX, my drama club binder, and how on Saint Pactrick's day when I was little I would have dreams about little, green, dancing leprechauns!

               I loved the color green. I really love i-.. I loved it. The color green is-.. was my happy place. When I was upset I used to draw with the color green! I would make drawings of people, the color green used as their hair streaks, the green clothing and shoes.. The color reminded me of all the things I loved about life.

It reminded me of all the heartfelt moments I could experience as a child, it reminded me of the people that I loved.

Like.. Like Cate,

Or Carson.

My parents! My cats, my fish, my older sister, my baby cousin!

I loved all of those things, and I stil-.. I love all of those things still, besides one.

Carson.

Oh god, how I hate that kid! I hate him! But.. Mon amour.. Je l'aime.

I love that kid, I love Carson. He may hate me now, but I still love him. Unfortunately. I sometimes still remember the way he smells whenever I smell something similar.. and how the day before my show, he comforted me while I was crying... rubbing my back as I sobbed into his shoulder. Helping me breath in and out even though I was choking on the crowded air surrounding me in that hallway, but he helped me take deep breaths.

See, this is why I hate him. I really do. Sure, you can say now.. "He sounds so nice, How could you hate someone like him, Alex?" . . .

I can't tell you now, but it's horrible. It makes me cry sometimes when I think about it at night all alone. I try not to cry over a stupid boy who hates me. But I can't help it.

People ask me, "Why don't you just get over him?"
.. I don't know why. I really don't know why.

But,
I wish I could.

I guess this is all for now, again sorry for the short chapter.

I feel bad because I didn't write that much.

Just know what might happen after the next chapter.. It might not be so warm and happy. It might not be all rainbows, and butterflies.

But that's fine.
    That's a part of life.

I think about it everyday.
  
    It started off with a text,
HOW DID IT END UP LIKE THIS??

It was just a text..
IT WAS ONLY A TEXT.

I guess it was my fault for causing all this drama. I shouldn't have texted him those things, I should've texted one of my other friends, maybe even ignored it.
Said "NAHHH.." to my friends on discord and laughed about the question.

It's my fault in the first place, all because I said it, right? I guess I don't know.
It was just a joke, but it's my fault for actually catching feelings for him. Maybe he caught feelings for me too with that joke.
Was it actually a joke? I don't know. Did I actually have feelings for him? Yes.. I did.
But it was supposed to be a joke, it wasn't supposed to mean anything.

It was just supposed to be a dare. A stupid, simple,  fucking dare. Of course, I was stupid enough to actually like him.

Hell, honestly? What would've happened if I sent that text message to someone else? Like, my friends on discord instead? Or maybe, what would've happened if..

If I ignored that dare?

I don't like to think that it was my fault that all of this happened, but the longer I think about it.. I.. I think it is my fault.

I'm sorry.