Why I HATE the Color GREEN.

{C.17}

i know what i said last chapter; that i was never gonna learn how to be happy?

i almost feel at ease in life now.
     like i'm happy. happier than i've ever been!

but i know that's a lie.

i pretend too much. i pretend like i'm completely normal. it's almost weird of me.

i got ISS today. i guess i should be upset but i'm not. i can't even bring myself to be upset. it's just how my life is now. just a bunch of bullshit because of people.

i think i should be upset but i'm not.

people look at me think i'm nothing but a dick.
an asshole?
a jerk?

i ain't any of that . not cuz of the way i talk the way i act?
that's some bullshit.

saying i'm the bad guy but this the shit you let your students do? calling me the one in wrong but you look like a fucking whore?

it's whatever; i'm good. i don't give a shit.

    people look at me and think i'm a disgrace because of the way i dress, the way i act.

i used to care ; a lot.

     now i just don't give a fuck about shit.

i be getting in trouble for no motherfucking reason . maybe i should just give up.

i told my mom school makes me wanna kill myself and she just told me not to say that shit. when you wake up and i'm dead it's your fault for not listening to the warnings that i was so clearly giving you.

     i mean hey, maybe i'm a fucking asshole for saying that but it's true.

i can't help but think about my mom in disgust. she likes the color green. i hate green.

  i hate green almost so much it makes me want to puke when i see it. me and carson had matching names on snapchat when we talked in September. he put my name as "baby" with green emojis.

    i fucking hate green now.

but after all of the shit we went through ; he remembered my fav color was green. i wonder why he remembered that useless piece of information. green is a stupid fucking color anyways.

    i have a crush on a guy, and the first time i ever even saw him; he was wearing a green shirt. he probably would never even talk to me.

like that time this bitch said "hi, uhm, it's- i don't think it's gonna work out anymore.. i'm sorry."

    my new crush could never be like that hoe.

that relationship was a wreck.
i've been stuck on that tried shit .
i been down that lied shit.
i'm way past all that crying shit.

   i've been fallin' for some time, been wanting to make him mine but it wasn't worth it.

now i got someone new .

    coincidence when i first saw him; first locked eyes he was in a dark green shirt. that shit made me wanna cry. but i still like him.

i remember that time when i used to love green.

you see, i guess i haven't always hated the color green.
           the color green reminded me of the fun shit in my life. yknow, like drinking green colored milk on Saint Patrick's day then getting a green milk mustache, the green pens that you might've accidentally broke, the lime green of my sunset lamp, the green lights that would cover the ground at a concert, sniffing green fundip, pretending i'm gonna have the PERFECT time at school using my green mechanical pencil that my friend gifted to me because i LOVED green so much, the green stuffed animals that i would cry into, that blinding lime green on my rainbow light that would make it hard to sleep at night, the green on my curtains. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles coming to my house for my third birthday, me and my cousin fighting over a green crayon because we both wanted to color the grass, the green streamers on my floor, the green on Yumi's mascot, my old green drama club binder.

i loved the color green. i really love it. the color green is my happy place. whenever i'm upset i draw to draw with the color green!

the color reminded me of all the things I loved about life.
                      i think as i take day by day, i'm slowly realizing that there's no shame in loving my home, the place i live in; the color green.

the only good things that happened to me were in my town, at my school, with the color green.

i can't keep hating it forever.

it's ok to love something so stupid .
it really is.

   it's okay to be different or weird from other people's views. it's okay to like something that not everyone likes.

i wanna be a different person; and be open to the fact that i love the color green.. but it's hard to find myself when i deny shit.

it's also hard when green holds all of these terrible memories, from people to places.
     it's hard to just say i forgive it and love it again.

maybe i'm crazy..?

or-
        maybe the color green isn't so bad?