Why I HATE the Color GREEN.

'Elijah. That's a Cute Name.' {C.9}

I'm sitting in this moving car, the raindrops hitting the window and rolling down like my tears rolled down my cheeks and hit my shirt.

        You see, I haven't always hated green. It reminded me of all the good things in life.

Kinda like the grass, or that plushie you tried so hard to get in the Walmart claw machines, my beetlejuice wig, the lime green bikini my mom got me, Beetlejuice monopoly, the green nail polish that my little cousin spilt on the table.

Now I hate it. And, I hate that I hate it.

The color green reminds me of the way Carson saw I used green heart emojis, and he switched from red to green, and how Carson used to say he loved me.

I associate the color green with Carson because green is bad. Green is a bad color.

The vomit, the hearts, the mold, the wet leaves, the algae in the pool, and that god awful mint green!

It's supposed to symbolize life, and health. Relaxing and comforting.
You see.

Why do I associate Carson with green because those things? Those are all things ruined. Or.. things he wasn't.

He ruined my life, he ruined relationships with people I could've had great ones with. He made me into some sort of "monster" who just wants to show off their body for the validation of boys and girls.
                      I never relaxed when I was around him. I always felt a sudden rush of sadness and emotions I didn't wanna feel. I was anxious around him, I always had panic attacks whenever I was around him. I started to cry, I would sob. I would bawl my eyes out and not talk to anyone and people would yell around me. They'd say "Alex, what did Carson say!?"

"What did Carson do?!"

"Did Carson do this?"

"Was this Carson's fault?!"

I didn't say anything back to them though.

   And.. comforting. He comforted me well enough to snap me out of it TWICE. FUCKING TWICE.
                                    I.. don't remember the situation much. But.

      We were in social studies together, watching a movie and.. he saw that I was so physically distraught and weak; he saw I was breathing heavily and he saw my pale face. He saw the way I was shaking and he said..

"Alex? Are you okay?"
And my heart shattered. He asked me if I was fine. I shrugged and he offered me his hand, I clawed it hard with my long and sharp nails- but he didn't say "Ow." He didn't say "Let go of me, freak." He simply just let me hold his hand.
He let me hold his hand until I felt better, until I could get myself out of that painful situation.

Then he helped me over fucking discord when we were arguing and then I started apologizing like crazy; and he tried to help me get my breathing in a normal pace, he tried giving me the best advice a kid could.
I realize now, that I was putting my struggles onto him and raven, and that's why they don't like me.
I wish I could've said to myself then- "Don't make him put up with this."
"Don't let Raven deal with all of your shit."

"Alex did Carson do this to you?"

i don't know. i don't know. help. my throat is closed shut, and i'm shaking awfully. my hands are sweating worse than that time I had covid.

             me, Carson, and Raven were all dating again. i love them so much, i really do.

No, you didn't. You're lying to yourself.

             i love them so much, i love Carson and Raven with my whole life. maybe so much more than with my whole life. more than my family. actually, more than anyone or anything.

but; this relationship is draining the shit out of me. i don't even know if i have enough love inside of my body for myself. i used it all up on them, all of it. the little bit of respect and love.. left so i could use it for them. i want the best for them. i really do.

maybe i shouldn't be in this relationship anymore. maybe i should hate them. maybe i should love them? i don't really know. i kinda wish i knew. i love them, but it's not good for me. it's not good for me at all. they're draining me of all my happiness. Raven is Carson's favorite, Carson is Raven's favorite. i'm here for no reason. they hate me, they don't like me. they don't love me. so why am i here?

Raven grabs my arm, and i can't see anything besides security guards in the lunch room surrounding us.
"Please let her bring me."

is the only thing my throat will let me say. Raven brings me out of the lunchroom and i start sobbing. nobody is around so i have no worries. she brings me down to guidance and i hug her tightly before she goes back up. i sit in the chair inside of guidance.

the counselor brings me. and we sit here and of course we're just gonna talk about the same old annoying shit like always.

"Why did he do that?"
i don't know??

"And that made you feel?"
upset. scared?

"Right. That's not something to joke about."
no shit, dumbass.

"Are you feeling okay?"
mhm. yep.

"Sit here for as long as you need too."
ok.

     i sit, and i wait, and i wait. i wait and wait and wait. i wait for things to get better, i wait for things that aren't gonna come back to me.

i wait for them to say "I love you."
but they never did.

it was always "Ily" "Ilyt"
say "I love you."

i don't need you weak ass "love"
give me something real.

       It was real, you just didn't wanna accept it.  They did like you, both of them loved you. It may not have been a lot, but believe me; there was shit there. They felt shit for you, and you gave up on them.

We're kids goddamn. We were trying our hardest at love; and you gave up on them. Fuck you.

You should've killed yourself when you had the chance.

        is it my fault? i'm sitting down in ELA now. i look at my arms. blank. a blank canvas for more drawing. i yawn and i look across the room at this boy. what's his name? Elijah?..

Elijah. that's a cute name. no. what?? cute?

no. i like Raven and Carson remember?
        right..? i like them?
i don't know. shouldn't i like them instead of this ugly dipshit?

probably. we're dating.
i don't even know at this point, i'm so mentally drained from everything.
school, parents, family, friends, them, life.

why am i still staring at Ethan or whatever his name is? shit. shit.... shit!

i turn my head away in embarrassment;
he saw me staring.
my face is god awfully red.

today's gonna be a great. day.