Why I HATE the Color GREEN.

'ugly.' {C.16}

ugly.

ugly.

that's what they all call me.

ugly.

and i feel it too.

whenever i put my makeup on, it's like putting makeup on a pig. that's what people mean when they say that, when you look at me you see makeup on a pig.

ugly.
ugly.
they're still calling me ugly.

i want it to stop.

i try my hardest to look pretty, try my headrest to be hot and sexy for the people i like, but it never ends up working.

      you know, i've never really .. hated the color green. someone showed me how beautiful the shades of it could be... but they ruined it.

    i hate the color green because it reminds me of the fake love we once used to have.

he called me pretty, said my smile was pretty, said i looked good without my glasses, said i looked beautiful without makeup, let me know that i was loved.

stop, stop, please stop. i wasn't love by him.

      it was fake, it was all fake.

the green hearts, the green pens, the green shirts, the green flowers, the green love.

i like to say that "the green love" is what me and "he." had.

      love is supposed to be red.

not green.

      our love was fake, and hurtful.
we weren't meant to love each other,
        we were meant to hurt one another.

he wants to ruin my life, so i want to ruin his.

i want revenge for what he did to me and my friends, but i won't ever be able to speak up about what he did.

people will think of my response to things as ugly.

    ugly.
that's what they call me.
   
"I hate Alex."

      i know, i hate myself too.

nobody gets me, nobody can understand my pain when i get called ugly.

                  i'm friends with the popular kids,
but i'm nowhere near as pretty as them.
           they insult me behind my back, that's ok.
it's ok because they're pretty.
                                 i'll never look like them.
i'll never understand how she is prettier than me.

i'm not as pretty as them.
      i'm friends with the popular kids, but i'll never be as popular as them.

i'm friends with them, but they don't remember things about me.

they're my best friends, but they're not mine.

he called me pretty. it was him who eased my pain, he smiled at me and told me i was pretty.

              the person who was right for him.

someone so pretty he didn't know what to think when he saw me.

well, that was a lie. i know it was.

but, a part of me wants to believe that it wasn't a lie. that he truly loved me.

ugly.
ugly.

     but now the ugly isn't about me. it's about him.

"hes ugly" raven says to me. but he isn't.
     he's adorable .
he is ugly to you but not to me.

         not to me.

i called him "ugly" and "gross" but he really wasn't any of that. not to me at least.

never.. to me.

why? why don't i hate him for what he's done?

        i should hate him, right? but i can't.

"hes ugly"
she says again. but.. how?
i love him.

     i miss his stupid face smiling at me.
his laugh when i said something funny.
        the way he talked to me.

it's him that i love, i don't love the memories.

i love him.

no. i'm completely over him.

i like other people now.

Just hearing those words come out of my mouth is disgusting. "I love him." Jesus.

No. I don't, I'm over him.

right?

i think i'm over him.

i want to be.

i want to move on, and i think i might be moving on.

but it's only been a month.

... a month.

we had five months no contact last time.
it could've been a really long time if i wasn't stupid.

the fair doesn't count. i was bound to see him there anyway.

————

guess who texted him again !

               me .

     isn't that amazing?

and guess what he called me. ugly!!

    but it's okay.

i felt hot as SHIT on Halloween night hanging out with Cate. which I don't really need someone to tell me if i'm hot or not.

it's up to me.

————

it's december now . we talked and we fought. but that's ok.

i don't need him.

people still call me ugly.
but not because i'm actually ugly.

because they want to be me.

i didn't get a callback for mean girls, but that's fine.

i'm just tired.

oh, christmas is soon.. so is my birthday.

my mental health is .. shit.
i don't know if i'm ever gonna learn how to actually be happy.