The Blip Bae

Crazy Aunt Mode Activated

"You did what?!" Tony screamed into the phone. "Are you out of your goddamn mind?"

"Hold on, are you or are you not the same man who offered me up as a consolation prize during a game of drunken 'Truth or Dare'?!" Zoe yelled back, shocked at his reaction. "You and the rest of those fools have been pushing this for years!"

"When it was funny!" Tony huffed. "When it was a sweet idea by yours truly to get him to dip his patriotic big toe into the dating world! Before you became like my fucking kid sister!"

"So this is some kind of misplaced protective shit?" Zoe sighed. "Fine, I promise not to do anything stupid and ruin my life, oh wait, I'm a grown ass adult who doesn't need your permission!"

"That's not what I'm talking about..." Tony got uncharacteristically serious. "I just don't want you to get hurt because you give too much and ask for nothing in return. You're the poster child for self sacrifice these days, dropping everything to take care of a couple of broken superheroes, checking in on whoever's left, running secret plays for me. I know care taking is kinda your thing, but you deserve better. There, I said it. Happy now?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? Better?" Zoe tried to maintain her composure. "It's Steve Rogers, you know, that guy who kamikaze'd a plane full of bombs into the ocean? You might want to check your facts. It doesn't get much better, especially for us little people. I think you forget that not everyone is you sometimes."

"Sure, he laid down his life before you or I were even atoms of dust, but he's still extremely broken." Tony ceded. "I don't want him to break you on his road to recovery. On a purely selfish note, I need you too much, especially now. Sure, I'm the goddamn life of the party, but there are very few people I actually trust in what's left of this fucked up world...don't trade his happiness for yours."

"We literally just started dating a few months ago. Aren't we jumping ahead a few steps?" Zoe snickered. "Besides, I'm only telling you as a courtesy. Don't want you freaking out if you see anything on the security footage or whatever...and what do you mean you need me? You're Tony Mother Fucking Stark!"

"Is that Zoe?" Pepper yelled in the background. "Perfect! I was about to call her!" She joined Tony on the phone. "Hey stranger! How's things down on the island of misfit toys? You're making monumental strides putting them back together again. Eventually, you might even be able to get back to your own life. I just got an email from Natasha the other day, so thanks for working your magic, I know it can't be easy, but you're doing a tremendous job over there."

"I'm doing my best, you impossibly graceful bitch." Zoe quipped back, unwilling to take a compliment per usual. "How are you? How's cabin life? Not that I would necessarily call your woodland retreat a cabin..."

"It's exactly what we needed." Pepper let out a breath. "In more ways than we thought..."

"Yeah?" Zoe laughed. "You found a new found passion for forestry?"

"When do you think you can break away for a visit?" Pepper sounded pensive. "There's something I want to talk to you about, in person."

"Oh god, you're not sick are you?" Zoe gasped. "Is it Tony? Did something happen? Potts, what the fuck is going on?!"

"Geez, Zoe, dramatic much?" Tony laughed as he snatched the phone. "No big deal, just wanted to see if you were up to adding another rugrat to your already full crazy aunt dance card..." he said nonchalantly while Pepper yelled in the background. "You in?"

"Are you serious?!" Zoe squealed. "This is the best news I've heard in forever! Oh my god! Holy shit!"

"What's the big deal?" Tony chuckled. "I just fucked my wife, not exactly out of the...ow! Pep, stop hitting me!"