𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚎𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚜 - 𝚋𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝚋𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜

in this dream

Untouchable- Taylor Swift

Bucky lurched forward gasping for air. His breaths were shaky, cold chills running down the nape of his neck. Beads of sweat lined his hairline. He felt confined. He grabbed at his hair, trying to pull the long locks from his face and cool his body down. Cool air came from the fan next to his bed. It was late June, the hottest month of the year.

Slowly standing up, he walked out of his room and into the compound hallway. His steps were silent to almost everyone as he made his way to the kitchen, but Steve sat at the island with a cup of tea. Bucky didn't say anything to him.

"I heard you. Figured this could help you." Steve pushed the cup forward. Lavender tea. Bucky closed his eyes. This was one of the things he couldn't let go of when he woke. Cara always had Lavender tea. It calmed him. Steve took the blow for him, telling the team it was his even though the teased him daily.

Steve nudged it to Bucky's hand. Bucky took it from the blonde, nodding at him slightly as a way to say thank you.

"What happened this time?" Steve spoke gently, hoping to help his friend. Nightmares plagued him almost every night since movie night. It had been weeks of resurging memories, and the pain that came with them. Bucky sat on the seat next to Steve and sighed heavily. He kept his eyes closed to try and hide how red they were. His throat was raw when he finally drank some of the tea.

"The screaming." He spoke almost silently, whispering more to himself rather than to Steve. "The way she looked at me."  He lowered his head to rest on his forearms against the counter.

"You can't keep beating yourself up over this. This isn't like the other situations. You didn't do anything. You didn't hurt her." Bucky clenched his jaw. He looked down at his sweatpants strings.

"I could never hurt her. No matter how much they fuck me up." Bucky let out a shaky breath, trying to calm his rising nerves. Containing his emotions recently has been rather hard.

"I know, Buck."

"Steve, I want to know what happened."  Steve sighed in frustration. They had been over this multiple times.

"It's not a good idea, Bucky."

"I need to know. I don't care what you say, I will do this. With or without you." Bucky felt his temper rising along with his tone. Steve ticked his jaw.

"It will only make things worse. These nightmares right now are bad enough, imagine what they will be like when you know the truth!" Steve raised his voice a little bit.

"Goddammit, Steve!" Bucky clenched his hand around the mug, shattering the pottery. He stood up, Steve following suit. "Just let me have this! I need this. I need closure. This will never get better if I don't know!" Bucky ran his hand through his hair with one hand, pointing at himself with the other. Tony stood in the doorway, watching the whole scene unfold.

"I will not do it! You need to let go!" Steve put his hands on Bucky's shoulders. "You can't change what's already done. Bury the past."  Bucky shoved Steve's hands off of him and walked away. Tony walked up to a frustrated Steve.

"What the hell is your problem?" Steve looked at Tony incredulously.

"My problem? He is going to find things he doesn't want to know, and he will lose it!" Steve swung his arms in the air helplessly.

"He already is losing it! Look at him Steve. I wake up every night to his gut wrenching screaming every night and he is running off of coffee and rage! He might find something he doesn't want to know, but at least he would know." Tony took a deep breath. "You might not help him, but I will."