My Bodyguard

20

"Hey, you okay?" I was nudged and I looked at May.

"Huh?"

"You mixed in wrongly." May said taking the bowl away and I realised I did mix in the ingredients wrongly.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay, it can be fixed. Are you feeling okay?" She asked with a hint of worry and I nodded, mumbling a sorry again.

I still have been feeling shaken since I saw my mother and I know I talked with Aarav but I still feel uneasy.

I couldn't focus and I keep messing up.

I need to come up with a few new desserts and chocolate art for our final project that is coming up in a month. I couldn't get any ideas out and my brain is not working.

I couldn't think properly.

Why didn't my mother just bring me with her? Why would she leave me?

I held on my bakes for the day, walking back home and I looked at my phone, noticing it's almost time for Aarav to be home.

But I didn't feel excited like always, I feel like I'm floating aimlessly, being useless and stupid.

I was sitting on the floor, staring at my dessert ideas that I had earlier but the longer I stared at it, the more I felt stupid.

I don't even understand what I envisioned.

I kept remembering my mother's face, the way she held me, the way she smiles- everything was blurring my mind.

I cried silently, trying to calm myself before Aarav comes home.

I don't want to feel like this. She's at fault. She's the one left me, having another child but I feel horrible.

I feel absolutely terrible.

I heard the front door opening and I quickly wiped my cheeks, standing up and wanting to wash my face.

I don't want to trouble him with my feelings.

I got out of the bathroom and Aarav just walked in, cracking his usual smile.

"Hi love." He kisses my lips and I kissed him back, holding his waist and tried to be casual, smiling at him but he stares at me, stroking my cheek.

"You feeling okay?" I nodded, smiling at him.

"I brought you tarts. We baked tarts today and I have savoury ones for you. I'll make dinner, you shower and rest." I said pulling away from him, taking my notebook from the floor, wanting to calm myself down in the kitchen.

Our kitchen is my safe space.

"Ira, come here." He called me and I was holding my notebook, looking at him.

"I'm going to-"

"I bought dinner. I told you I'm buying today because you said you were trying out recipes. I even bought the things you wanted." I stared at him, completely forgetting what I asked for.

"I don't remember." I mumbled, tearing up instantly and he comes to me, pulling me into a hug.

"Talk to me. What happened?" He asks stroking my head and I was clutching on him, crying silently.

He just holds me, leaning on my head.

"Whatever it is, we'll figure it out. I'm here with you, we'll figure it out, okay? Don't worry." I nodded, staying in his arms.

I was sitting on the living room floor, leaning against the couch and stared at my recipes.

I need to figure out something by this week so I could try and error before presenting.

"I got you fried rice." Aarav sat beside me, giving me a container and I mumbled a thank you, taking it in my hands.

"You got a problem with the recipes?" He asked looking at it and I shrugged, taking a spoonful of my fried rice.

"Okay, what do you feel about it?" He questions and I stared at him.

"I feel stupid."

"I told you not to say that." He said sternly and I just dropped my head, putting my container down. I can't handle my feelings.

I felt him pulling me, wrapping his arms around me and I leaned on his chest, hugging him.

"Talk to me, love. What's wrong?"

"I feel weird. I feel like I'm floating aimlessly- I couldn't focus on anything and I even made a mistake today. I don't feel good since the other day and I can't think. I keep staring at these but I can't figure it out- I feel so dumb and useless! I'm so upset and I feel like I can't breathe! How can she live so peacefully?! How can my mother be a mother to someone else but not me?! I feel terrible but it supposed to be her! She should feel terrible- I can't breathe-" I sobbed so bad, clutching on him and he pulls away, rubbing my chest because I really couldn't breathe, gasping for air.

I suddenly felt like I was short in breath, hearing my heart pounding so loud and my body just trembling.

"Ira, calm down. Look at me- look at me." Aarav wiped my cheeks, making me look at him and he pulls me on his lap, rocking us together.

"You're worthy of everything. I know you're upset, angry and you should but don't feel any less. You're amazing as you are- she missed it. She's at loss, not you. Calm down- breathe. Listen to my voice." I felt frantic for a while, trying to listen to his voice and I stared at him, watching him soothing me.

"You're okay. It's okay to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes but you should learn from it too. You're amazing in what you do and I believe that you will be the best. Right now, take your time and calm yourself. Don't think about her, she's not important but I promise, we will confront her one day. I will get your answers." He mumbles, kissing my forehead and I held on him, letting his words sink in.

He held me on his lap for a while, rubbing my shoulders and I cling on him, repeating the words he told me in my brain.

I am good. I have a good life. I'm blessed with my good man. Why should I worry about someone that doesn't appreciate me?

"Thank you, Aarav." I kissed his cheek, hugging him and he hugs me back, kissing my forehead a few times.

"Nothing is more important than you. I just want you to be happy."

"I am happy with you, only you." I mumbled, gripping around him.

I eventually ate, leaning on his shoulder while he stared at my recipe ideas, looking through it and brainstorming with me.

I pushed my thoughts far away, focusing on what is important, which is my husband and my education. I have a chance on learning and I should cherish it, not caring about the human that didn't care for me.

I am still upset but I will get the answer to my questions one day. I will ask her one day until then, I'm going to be okay.

"What about this peach mango- I don't know how to say the rest." He mumbled, making me crack a small smile.

And an idea popped.

"Mini double chocolate fromage and- your spicy tuna bites! I can make those!" I shrieked in excitement when I finally got 3 dishes.

Aarav always love these spicy tuna bites I make on pastry dough and I just realised no one has tuna on their menu yet.

"Thank you for helping me think! I love you!" I hugged him tightly, kissing his cheek and he chuckles, wrapping his arm around me.

"I want you to feel better, I hope you do and- I love you the most." I smiled, getting his sweet kiss.

"Can you help me being my lab rat?"