Love and Food

xli: who i truly love

For the rest of the weekend, Cecilia laid on her bed and was in a deep state of thought. So much has happened in the past year that she really had to think about what really was going on.

At the beginning of the year, she was head over heels for Joseph, who hasn't been in her mind since January. She had never seen him again since then, and maybe he must have known.

Evan rocked her world, literally. He made her feel all sorts of ways: anxious, excited, scared, and so many more. He was something new to the table and not to mention he had a whole other side to him. The problem was that he was giving mixed signals day and night. He would tell her she was beautiful and then say that she's not his type. It made so sense. Just thinking about him gave Cecilia a headache.

She didn't even want to get started on Kyle, now that she could be honest about how she really felt about him. Luckily, nobody really liked him. She could easily not feel guilty about leaving him.

Her heart was strained with the stress of boys, even a boy crazy girl like her could get tired out of all the male attention she received. So much so that she became overwhelmed.

The story does sound fun to tell, but a nightmare to live in.

"Live, laugh, love men." She said sarcastically.

When she really asked herself, only one guy came to mind: Evan. She couldn't deny that her feelings for him were nonexistent. Almost everyday, a memory of them would be swirling in her mind, so much so that she starts to catch herself relive it when she's home alone. Did he really make such a big impact on her life?

Even with what Wizzy told her, it was strange that she managed to steal his heart and time.

Then, a memory came by that she almost forgot about.

Back in November, she and him were in the side hall, and Evan told her about a girl that he was talking to at the time.

"Is that her?" Cecilia saw a girl sitting alone at a table, waiting for somebody to show up at the table.

"Yes. That is."

"Is there anybody that's showing up with her?"

"Nope, she came to see me."

"So, why aren't you talking with her? You should make a move. Come on, it's your chance."

"It's not that big of a deal, she was more into me than I was into her. Besides..."

He exchanged a glance with Cecilia.

"I think that there is somebody more memorable that can blow her out of the water."

"And who exactly is she?"

He stepped closer to her.

"Who do you think?"

She laughed.

"No way it's me. I must be crazy to think that." Then, she slid on a napkin and fell into Evan's arms. "Damn it, I'm a dumbass." She whined.

"Luckily, I like my girls a little dumb and crazy because you're hitting both marks right now."

He saw somebody come and she fell on the floor.

When the person came and left as if nothing happened, Evan picked her off the floor and he pushed her into her. Her hand was on his chest and their breaths were aligned.

"You bitch." She muttered and he smirked.

"And you are really something else." He inched his fingers down to her waist and started playing with the ribbon that she tied so neatly on her chef's coat.

She started to giggle. "Stop, that tickles!"

His hands stopped between the bottom of her waist and the top of her butt. She stopped giggling and then felt her chef hat come off, to reveal her hair that complimented her face.

Cecilia made a weird noise and face that made Evan laugh.

"You are the most interesting girl that I swear I ever met. I like you."

"You're definitely something else too."

His grip on her waist became tighter and their bodies were glued to the other now.

"Wild card." He whispered.

She had a cute little giggle.

All of a sudden, the girl that Evan was talking about left the banquet hall and walked past the door that connected the small hall with the kitchen. She looked and saw Evan and Cecilia flirtatious with each other. She looked away and felt tears already start streaming down her face.

Evan didn't notice but Cecilia did.

That night, she tossed and turned and wondered all sorts of things. It has been so long since she has not had feelings for somebody, and the sad part about it most of the time was that the thought of a mediocre at best guy was getting her through life.

Her therapist encouraged her to buy a book and she got out of bed and started reading it. It was all about learning to love yourself and accept the fact that you can be alone.

Alone.

That word haunted her as if it was a ghost. She was scared to die alone. 

It was always hard for her to know who was right for her and who was not. Many times, she fell victim to manipulation and gaslighting, pitting herself as what the words she was told of in the past.

"You're crazy."

"Delousial."

"What a freak!"

"Pathetic piece of shit!"

"Worthless!"

"Whore!"

"Should've killed yourself a long time ago!"

"Useless!"

"Slut!"

"Homie hopper!"

"Trash!"

"Nightmare!"

"Monster!"

She shut her book and felt tears flow down with no control of stopping. 

"This is not love." She whispered to herself.

In reality, she never knew what genuine love really was.

The thought of love to her was like a forbidden rose in a castle. It made her curious and she desired to have it, but knew it was wrong.

Years of being hurt by others brought her down, and there seemed to be no escape.

Until....

She grasped her fist, wiped her tears away and took a breath. There were words that flowed through her head.

"In order to love others, you must love yourself."

She nodded and suddenly, her tears slowly stopped flowing and took more deep breaths.

Her mind became clear again and she sat there in silence.

"I don't need a man to prove that I am capiable of love. I have to prove to me that I can love me for me, even if I'm alone."