Eleanor's Journal

126

So I've been struggling a lot lately with feeling like I might be unloveable. I mean my parents didn't love me and so how could anyone else love me. And after all this time, I still wasn't convinced Kayla loved me. I was feeling like she was with me just for the convenience of it. For the feeling of being loved. I love her so fully and deeply and with every inch of my being I don't know what things would be like for me without her. And when she told me she didn't have any romantic feelings for me it shattered my world. I wasn't a person anymore. Not only was my feelings confirmed but it hurt more than I ever could've imagined. It was like I had been shot several times and I couldn't go to a doctor. And I'm just supposed to live with it. Live with the bullets lodged in me and I'm supposed to pretend like they're not there. That nothing has changed. When everything has changed. My heart is being held together with off brand bandaids. And they don't stick well.

Today, Taylor swift announced that she bought back all of her music. I don't think I've ever seen Kayla smile that big. I wished she loved me as much as she loves her. I wish she could be this proud of me.